Monday, December 5, 2022

Branding is hard

 'Lo, ev'ryone. Looks like I'm still here for 2022...a.k.a. look, another entry! 😲

Anyway. All of this evening, I've been working on my branding. It's really fucking hard, but I'm thankful to have my domain names to make certain things possible. 🙂 All I have to do now is create the official Paneidoverse and Qarollverse sites. 😕 I think it'd be best to do that here on Google for now for both. This way, everything is located on Carrd and Google instead of all over the fucking place. 💡! I don't know why I didn't think of that before.

But you know what they say...talking to a brick wall helps, sometimes. 

I'm going to make some tests and then come back...

Saturday, December 3, 2022

Something something 2022

'Lo, ev'ryone. This may or may not be my last entry for the year...probably not...

In any case, it's been a rollercoaster of clusterfuck since October. I can't remember being so fucking lackadaisical in a banal way in a while, but I always say that, so fuck me.

I won NaNoWriMo 2k22. Worked on Human Shed Skin Book Two but didn't finish it, and am I feeling okay about that? Not particularly. I lost my notes, so I couldn't go any further. I'm resenting my feeble mind in that regard. I had everything when I came back from the ward in April...

I was so fucking ready to tackle this, let me tell you... 😒

Not finishing it just makes me feel more like shit? So? What was the point. 🙃


So...2022

I had...not hIGH but high enough hopes for this year. I intended for something...nice...this year. Something better than...this.

Whatever this is, exactly.

Winter is coming. ❄ Wonderful. My fatass isn't ready for it since I can't fit in my old winter jacket which barely fit me last year...

You know where I'm going with this.

Blah blah, depression sucks, blah blah, waaaaah.

My desires to work on my social media were AHAHAHA pathetic, per the usual. I'm becoming too embarrassed to post anything of anything I have since I'm...

Well. Anyway...

I'm seriously thinking just keeping my stories here on my site. Or just AO3 and Patreon. 

Or nowhere. 

After all, I can never finish them (case in point: every fucking time I uploaded Inhuman online) and when I do, I just take them down out of embarrassment and sadness because I'm not getting the interactions I need. Not want. Need

I'm tired of going over why it's not a want thing...

So, to end this shitty post...

Once it gets to the end of the month, I might summarize everything from 2k22 in a single post, see what I've actually accomplished in the year I swore to kill myself as a wee lad. 🙃 Just be happy I'm still here, yeah? At least some people get something out of my existence...



Tuesday, October 25, 2022

When writing isn't fun anymore

I've been writing all my life.

Literally.

I don't remember when I first started or anything. It's always been a constant thing in my life. I do know that, before I even knew the alphabet, I would scribble on paper as if I was writing. I tried to stay on the lines...but hey, I was very young.

Fast forward to...today.

I feel like a washed-up wannabe writer, never able to get anything done and constantly letting people down. It's utterly impossible for me to feel...as if I have done something. I'm fucking 30 years old. What have I accomplished? What have I done that I am proud of?

Nothing. I feel as if my younger years were robbed from me with depression and suicidal ideation, and my older ones were just...stagnant. No matter what good I tried to do for myself, I never did anything worth my efforts, time, or blood and sweat. Not to mention too many tears.

It's come to a point that I kind of...resent writing. Or something. Maybe just me and my writing, because I can't get rid of my desire to write no matter what I do. It's too ingrained in me. It's all I've ever wanted to do, all I've ever done when not sleeping or crying or whatever.

I'm pathetic.

I'm writing this to let everyone know I feel pathetic. 

I'm not...what people think I am. 

What I think, or wish, I am. 

I don't want to write. I say that, but I know I'll go right back to writing anyway. It's in my blood. My marrow. My DNA. It's pathetic...

Needless to say, my writing will be on pause for a while. I don't know when I'll update again on Tapas or AO3...because...I'm just...so tired. Painfully...utterly exhausted. 

Gods...I just want it all to end.

Thursday, October 6, 2022

Recent developments | GOD NOISE, social media, and more

'Lo, ev'ryone! As of writing this, I am in the midst of working on my social media, from Instagram to SpaceHey. I've also decided to finally upload some of God Noise Vol. I onto Tapas!

Creative news

God Noise Vol. I: Echo vers. 8.4.13.2

It's going really freaking well! I'm excited. I'm currently on chapter 34, or 21 if I don't count the Expanded Edition chapters. I've also worked on the wiki quite a bit, something I...um. I'll have to think twice about putting on the usual sites I've been uploading my encyclopedia for Paneidoverse... 🤔

There are many reasons...and I'm not sure how to express them...

Oh, yeah, and GoNo:V.I. is definitely gonna be on Tapas like...today. 😁

Paneidoverse

I still don't have my Paneidoverse site done, and the deadline is coming waaay too close for comfort. People can access the PNDVS site via my Discord where I also have the guest password for Those Who Know (role).

Just thought I'd mention that... 😕


Social Media

I hate social media. 😑 Did I mention I hate social media? Social media hates me. But I am a writer and a storyteller who wants to have a meager following if nothing else, and thus I am forced to use social media.

Social media I hate. 😒

SubscribeStar.adult

...I ain't got a clue what the fuck I'm doing here. Should I leave...?? 🙁

Patreon

I've not been ignoring my Patreon, I just forget it exists. So I decided to give the damn thing a proper appearance and info! Thus, I can happily say my Patreon is looking miiighty fiiine. It now looks like something I actually want to look at and be proud of. 

I remade my Patreon welcome post, and golly, I think it's pretty sweet. 😊 I'd appreciate it if you check it out, at the very least. 🙂

Twitter

I made a new post for the first time in forever. Thing is, it's no different from the stuff I usually post, which are my links. I never know what to upload to my Twitter. It's such a strange place and I don't like it, personally. I think that's why I'm just putting simple things on it at the moment. I hope to be more involved, perhaps, starting NaNo or January. I'll need to do something with it as I start Teasers & Excerpts Month...

Ugh...T&EM is going to kill me. 😩 But we'll get to that bridge when we cross it...

...or something. 😖

Instagram

The least I can do with this is post snippets of my prose like I did during a period of my Insta account. Problem is, I think it's gonna get old real fast. I could always try to post based on the chapter I'm working on at the time I post, but...ugh, that is going to take so much effort. So much time!

And a Canva Pro account. Or...maybe not. But I've found what I need works best with a pro account. Dammit. I had to be poor. 💸


Links



Thursday, September 1, 2022

Patreon ideas and more 🤔

'Lo, ev'ryone! Back with more thoughts for what I realize is essentially 2023 and perhaps late this year... 😕

I haven't been feeling good for the past week or two. I waited direly for last month to be over, goddammit. And finally, it is! So, I might be able to do the things I actually want this month...if I'm smart.

And I note. I am not. 😞

Anyway. Patreon! I've always wanted to have a Patreon, and I do have one, actually. Thing is, I've always wondered what to put on the damned thing. 😕 I've struggled with this a lot. I think I officially launched two years ago and haven't been able to get a single subscriber even once! 😩

Ahem, so, my more recent intentions are as such...

No more masterlists, more content!

So, at the moment I only have masterlists on my Patreon. While this is good, it's redundant. I need actual content. And since I have some attention on my story Inhuman, which is on AO3 and Tapas.io, I plan to upload some scenes from previous versions/drafts of the story onto Patreon for patrons!

...The question is...when? 😕 At the moment, I'm gunning for 2023 when I have an idea of how all of this is going to work since...erm...I'm literally just coming up with this stuff now as I type. 😅

Teasers & Excerpts Month

Best time for me to do this is in February since it's my self-invented Teasers & Excerpts Month! That whole thing never worked, no matter how many times I've tried to redo it, but...now that I have some eyes on at least one of my works, I might be able to do something for next year's T&EM! 

Also, I may have to change T&EM a bit...It might have to be more frequently, like twice a year, or even just more than just Fridays during the event itself...? 💭

Anyway...

Skipping January 2k23's 31D31S...again

Yeah. 😓 This has to happen so I can focus on my T&EM in February. I plan on trying much harder to get my name out there as a writer...so. This is something I have to do. Maybe, if I have time, I'll try again in August 2k23...😦

Reiterating on blogging

Lastly, to reiterate, I'll try blogging fully starting this January. SpaceHey, GaiaOnline, and here, the Textbook.



That's the plan with both Patreon and my entries here on my official blog as well as what I plan to do next/this year! I'll be announcing things as I go along on my SpaceHey, of course. 

...I hope. 🙏🏾

As for my writing, it's going...well? Better than I thought, though I am a bit stuck with chapter 12 of God Noise Vol. I, I think. Or 11? Whichever. 😅

I also want to announce that by January, I hope to somehow have my Discord server, Qarollverse, ready for new members!! 😁

Thanks for reading! 💕

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

Upcoming and current projects, intentions

'Lo, ev'ryone. As you've probably noticed, I haven't streamed (or blogged here, but that's a separate issue) in a while. 😕 I want to, but motivation is...extremely low. I suffer from a very debilitating mental condition and it's pretty much overwhelmed and pushed back everything I've ever wanted to be done in my life...especially within the past decade.

Regardless, there was a period when I was doing pretty well. I want to get back to that. I'm so far planning to return to streaming in November. 🙏🏾

In the meantime, I've started working on my "future magnum opus" novel God Noise...again. For the 13th time. 😒 Specifically for the 8.3.13th time. What that means is that this is the 8th version, 3rd attempt, and 13th revision. Ugh.

I say God Noise is a "future magnum opus" but hell if I really know. It's just always felt like one...or it feels like it has the absolute potential to be one. I did complete it...once...two years ago. It'll soon be three years ago in December. I want to surpass my then-wordcount of 150k words. That's...wow. Going to be an attempt, for sure. 😅


Streaming

To reiterate, streaming is one of the things at the top of my list to do again. I miss it. My schedule should be something like streaming every day or every other day at 7PM EST. 🙂 Well, conditions permitting, that is.

November is the best time to return to streaming! November is, of course, National Novel Writing Month. I would be streaming and working on some one-shots for this month's 31D31S (31 Days, 31 Stories) challenge but...😓 Well, we won't talk about that.

Writing

There are two main stories I'm working on right now. I want everyone to know about my beloved stories! 🥰

God Noise Vol. I: Echo

Of course. Need I say anything more about this, really?

To elaborate, God Noise has changed considerably from 2020, and even from a few months ago when I was still working on vers. 7! Goddamn, was it really just a few months ago that I was sticking to that gahd-awful method of writing the story?! 😩 SO glad I've given that up...

For this vers. 8, everything has changed!! No longer am I following a fucking awful and useless blueprint! I can't wait to talk more about it. 😊

Human Shed Skin: Book Two

I have said the name of Human Shed Skin's second novel but just in case I haven't, I won't be saying its name here. 🤐

The first Human Shed Skin novel is complete! It's currently being uploaded to both AO3 and Tapas! Check them out, I beg you! 🥺 New chapters are being uploaded today! Two!

...

Ahem.

However.

During the uploading of said story, I came to notice some...flaws. Really fucking annoying flaws. So, in the future, there will be another version of Inhuman! 😭 I'm so sorry, ev'ryone. I just can't stop it, can I?

Blogging

Hoo, boy. There are three places I'd love to blog at in the meantime: GaiaOnline, SpaceHey, and my official blog, The Maggoty Textbook. That's love to blog at, not necessarily a given. BUT! I'll try my damnedest.

GaiaOnline

I've always wanted to go back to the music-related GaiaOnline entries I used to do all the way back in 2007. Wow, that was a time. 😊 This time, it'll be commenting and pseudo-reviewing all music I enjoy and find myself listening to, from live concerts and videos to music videos and songs I obsess over and more! 😁 Should be fun, honestly!

SpaceHey

Ayyyy, I'm there again! 😲 Looking forward to it, this time, and I'll be sure to set limits this time and make more of an effort to get to know people. *Nods seriously* 😤 I also have to work extensively on my fucking profile. It's a mess...and I can't get my profile pic to STAY WHERE I WANT IT, DAMMIT!! (╯‵□′)╯︵┻━┻

I'll probably write the same entries from Gaia here, too. I don't see why not? It'll allow people to get to know me better! After all, Music is My Religion™.

The Maggoty Textbook (here)

My official blog. Ah, how it has been ignored and avoided since I have nothing to talk about, sincerely. But I'll see what I can talk about, even if it's just about my writing and how it goes nowhere...as usual...

We'll see.

That's it, really! We shall see how it all works out!

Tuesday, February 1, 2022

Stories by Mar Qaroll

Well, then. That was fast...

Right after the decision to put my stories on AO3, I have this to talk about.

If all goes well, I might not need to put my work on AO3 after all. I'm currently working on a site I call Archive of My Own - Works by Mar Qaroll, a.k.a. Stories by Mar Qaroll. 😀 If I do it right, it'll be my own version of AO3 using Blogger pages as statics and entries as navigation and stories. If any of that made sense. 😅

The way I see it in my head is pretty sweet, so I hope I can make it work. I'll work my damnedest using CSS and HTML to do so! Because...I still don't want to use and would rather avoid using AO3 at all costs, if I can. I really want it to be a site for transformative works only. It is their mission statement, after all. And I want to support that. 🙂

In the meantime, this is what I have so far, appearance-wise!

A preview of the site's main page!
Not bad, eh? The layout is identical to that of AO3's main page. 😁 Managed to get rid of all the annoying stuff with CSS and HTML, as I said. This might really be able to work. 😮

Now all I have to do is figure out what I'll be putting on the site first and what that means I'll do with the stories that are elsewhere online. After all, I hate having multiple things all over the internet when they can just be given a specific spot. 😕 This means doing something about the Royal Road and Campfire locations...Grr, I just went over this. 😑

Back to work, I guess.

Monday, January 31, 2022

My erotica need a home

While Campfire is the home for my Paneidoverse stories, or rather the stories that are important in the Paneidoverse, I need a home for my erotica since Campfire doesn't allow that genre on their platform. I'm not savvy with the idea of putting my work on a site that's primarily for transformative work...

 
...but it seems that's where I'll have to put the stories after all. Archive of Our Own. 

Archive of Our Own

I've loved AO3 forever. I've been a user of the site for years. But I respect its purpose for transformative work. I'm not saying people who upload original work up there don't; what I mean by that is, I greatly respect their goal and mission. I love AO3 and its related organizations.

I assure you, if there was some other place where I could upload my erotica, I would do it there.  But Literotica is bizarre and offputting. I'll give it a legit chance, but I feel it isn't the place for me. I really do.


Erotica to put online

I've nothing erotica-related complete but Passions of the Lune, but I like looking ahead to see what else I might want to put online...

Passions of the Lune

Obviously. Now, this story is currently being rewritten, so it won't be put up in some while, anyway. It's on its third version. Very good. It will probably be a blend of its original Camp NaNo 2019 Winner version and the second version after it I had started but never finished. Sounds good. 

I was originally thinking of making an abridged version of this story, but that's a terrible idea. For me. I'm not rewriting this story for innocent eyes. The fuck. Why would I do that. 😩

...Not...that I might not change my mind in the future. In fact, that might be a good way to figure out how to get this story together... 🤔

Er, anyway. Passions is my first erotica and I want it to be treated super-special-like. At the moment, I am only not sure how to do that. Or, ah, where to put it. 

There is furthermore an alternate telling of it that I've considered in which Arius and Azul's positions are changed but that might not work...We'll see.

Liquorish

I'm having trouble with this story, to be fair. Sometimes I even wonder if it'll even be written or if I should put it into the...Recycle Bin. 😫 Therefore, I'm unsure if I should speak about it much more than say I do intend to put it up as well...

Boogeyman

Aside from needing a new title like yesterday, of course, I plan on putting my first-thought erotica up online. Depending on what I do with it, it might even be a bit of an important story, much like Passions having a connection to Inhuman. Well, that doesn't make it important, per se, but far more than just mere erotica.

...Actually. That has me thinking. 🤔 Maybe I can do something with this story, plot-wise...

Ah, well, I'll work on that.

As far as a new name, ah. That. Is a very good question. I have absolutely no idea what sort of naming convention I should go with. Originally, it was meant to be more than erotica and actually tell the story of how the Boogeyman "fell from grace", but that idea is so freaking outdated it isn't even funny. 

Hopefully, I'll come up with something before my rewrite of Passions is done. It's going to be the harbinger of all the erotica I put online...

Speaking of which, I...never got Boogeyman off the ground. It'll probably be the longest of all my erotica, too. It has the most and densest plot. Grr. Plot.


That's that. Archive of Our Own's gonna have to be the place for now. Only, I don't have any erotica stories to put up at the moment...

Monday, January 24, 2022

Witchcraft "vs" African spirituality

I've done more thinking/soul-searching and research and have realized what I really want to do.

Let's start this from the beginning...

Witchcraft and I

I've had an interest in witchcraft since I was very young. Now, the Qur'an pretty much lumped anything that wasn't Abrahamic under the category of Pagan and any sort of craft related to spellwork was automatically labeled "witchcraft". As a child, I, naturally, shunned these things because of what I was taught.


However, I grew interested in witchcraft through what I saw in the media, admittedly. Anything witchcraft-related interested me. I honestly wasn't afraid, at least I don't remember so.

As they do in the media, I had no idea that there was a separation of the different types of spiritual practices. Everything was Pagan and lumped under witchcraft.

Later on, I came to realize most of what people actually mean and say when they imagine witchcraft is Eurocentric, "Western" witchcraft. 

Came to find out recently that I don't like that...

...for myself.

It really isn't for me.

No, what I want is African spirituality. That's what I've wanted from the beginning but I completely forgot about it!! Now, that's not to say I still don't want to have ocean-related...hmm...not sure what the word is. But I still have such a strong connection to the ocean.

I just don't want to get into witchcraft anymore.

African spirituality and I

This isn't completely new to me, to be honest. It's rather sad, now that I think about it...

The story starts when I was young, too, with my grandfather. He had idols in his living room, or what looked like idols; what they actually were, I'm not sure. My parents called them idols. He had African masks on his walls. I was curious about them, but my parents told me they were Haram and we couldn't even pray in the living room because of them.

...I think he might have even taken them down because of us. If he did, that makes me sad...


Maybe ever since, I never felt connected to my African roots. Never had an interest in it.

As I entered my early 20s and saw everyone I knew who was black talking about their African roots in some way or form, I felt a bit...ashamed? Off? I don't know. Maybe I felt like I was missing something. I still felt disconnected and was technically okay with it, but I noticed that disconnect a bit more and was curious about it.

Now, I'm...lost. I want to get in touch with myself, and that includes my African roots. I need to embrace all of myself. I want to connect with...perhaps...the part of those roots I can grasp onto.

I'll still be myself. I doubt I'll ever take on the...*sigh* the "look", for instance, that comes with most people who take on their ancestral roots. I will still be me at the end of the day...

Or so I think now. I'm ignorant of who I will become at the end of this journey.

Perhaps I shall transform and be at peace with that...

I don't know.


Well...to conclude. I am lost.

I've always questioned my spirituality. 

I've wondered what my purpose in life is.

Is there more to my life to this?

Who am I?

I look for enlightenment...purpose. Connection. 

And if connecting to my ancestry does that, I'm all for it. I'll be more than happy. I want it. 

I'm not sure if that's the "right way" to put it. 

But I know what my intentions are.

Saturday, January 1, 2022

2022


Well. It's here. The dreaded year. I say dreaded for a reason not many will understand and I'm not interested in explaining publicly. Regardless, it's here. 

There's much I plan to do this year. Working hard on my stories is one of them, of course. Streaming, focusing on the Paneidoverse, keeping track of the Qarollverse...

In the past two days, I've actually already started some new ideas. Not new stories, just new ideas. Merged several stories together...and I look forward to talking about it, eventually. But I know I need to start focusing on real-life shit far more than I have over the past...several years. 2022 is going to be my attempt to do that.

Ah, and the 31D31S challenge begins today, too. I'll take some time to work on that, of course. Should be fun. Might lead to some new stories in the future...

...and I'm just repeating nonsense at this point, so I'll shut up...

Well. Here's to 2022. 🍵 May it be a...decent year.