As usual, folks, there is nothing to talk about. I lead a very uninteresting, droll life.
Sure, I'm working, now, on the weekends; 11 AM to 3 PM...Otherwise, I am still writing like a maniac and attempting to finish something before 2012 ends. Well, in a way, I did...but no one has reviewed it, yet. I feel quite unloved...
...Ah. Yes. The whole confession thing...
So, you see, now that I'm not covering anymore, I feel I need to put up some "safeguards" so no one from the local (and...I guess my former) Muslim community bother me while I'm minding my business out and about. This is something that is a serious "worry" of mine, but it's more of a...nuisance than anything else. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to be bothered. I just want to be left alone. So I've considered just making a Facebook confession, since that seems to be the best way to get my story across to a large portion of the community. In my own way, I don't like this idea, because a part of me feels this is cowardice, but...the other part of me feels this is the best way. Hey. If Facebook didn't exist I'd just do what I'm doing now: not covering (all the time). But jeez louise...
At the moment, I'm going with that Facebook confession thing. Spent practically all of yesterday and a night over at my dad's yesterday and completely forgot to drop the "I'm not a Muslim anymore" bomb on my brother. But I just can't freaking wait anymore!! I want to get this over with! So I am.
I'm going to be getting rid of my previous pictures of me in my hijab. I'm not comfortable with them up anymore. Never really was, but...now I really don't want them up. Eh...I don't really have any other pictures of myself, yet...at least not any good ones...but I did make this one random picture while trying out my black lipstick, so...
Eh. It's not the best...I hate spaghetti straps...but it's okay. I guess.
...So I'm going to head over to the library or something after this. Nothing else to do, and I have to contact my counselors on this stupid class hiccup that just completely blew my mind.
...Something that has been bothering me...rather much...as of late is...my...in my opinion, extreme...femininity. I loathe it. Oh, god...Now that I'm not covering, it's really becoming an issue to me. Last weekend I went skating...I couldn't help but watch some of the younger men almost...wistfully. Their angular, lanky bodies...Just muscular enough...Veins in their arms...Deep voices...
...I never really thought this would bother me as much as it is. And jeez, it is bothering me a hella lot.
But. My thoughts on hormone pills still stand: if there was a way to get just enough for just what I want, I'd definitely jump on it. But...it's not that easy, it seems...so...
...I don't know. I'm confused. I don't even know where to start with this. And I'm still too awkward with myself, mentally, to really elaborate on it with my therapist...
...Anyway.
After this post, I'll be modifying those posts with pics of me wearing a hijab...and...will simultaneously start writing that confession...
...Considering my mother will likely see it as well...and someone will likely tell my father...and my brother will find out as well...
...I don't know.
I'm conflicted. Confused...
your black lipstick looks great! As for your extreme femininity maybe go to a local thrift store and pick up a few mens' items. like dress shirts, vest, maybe a tailored jacket or really masculine shoes. That should make you feel less feminine and you can get those things at thrift stores for REALLY cheap. And if your really feeling daring try playing around in the mirror with eyeliner and pigment to create subtle facial hair. Just to see sort of thing. The Facebook confession is probably the best way to let the most people know but I wouldn't get back onto Facebook for a while after just in case it gets crazy.
ReplyDeleteHeh, still remind me of my trans-man brother.
ReplyDeleteI could never sympathize with that peculiar lust for the physical traits of the opposite sex.
Gender in general seems so arbitrary, so much the dichotic construct of a society with it's morals in a bunch.
I always hate it when girls dislike their feminine qualities. It's like boys trying so hard to deny their feminine side. You'll never be whole unless you embrace your body, instead of trying to coax it into shape.
Go read the sutras and the vedas, that might help!
Also, what are you studying? How is school going? What are you choosing to learn?
Your black lipstick looks gorgeous on you :)
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