General update...

...So. Here I am, at school...having found out that my course for the month has been canceled...forcing me to...otherwise...look up my school records...listen to music...and waste time for as long as I can in this computer lab before I am kicked out. Or whatever they do to you if you spend too much time in here, if they do anything at all...

As usual, folks, there is nothing to talk about. I lead a very uninteresting, droll life.

Sure, I'm working, now, on the weekends; 11 AM to 3 PM...Otherwise, I am still writing like a maniac and attempting to finish something before 2012 ends. Well, in a way, I did...but no one has reviewed it, yet. I feel quite unloved...

...Ah. Yes. The whole confession thing...

So, you see, now that I'm not covering anymore, I feel I need to put up some "safeguards" so no one from the local (and...I guess my former) Muslim community bother me while I'm minding my business out and about. This is something that is a serious "worry" of mine, but it's more of a...nuisance than anything else. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to be bothered. I just want to be left alone. So I've considered just making a Facebook confession, since that seems to be the best way to get my story across to a large portion of the community. In my own way, I don't like this idea, because a part of me feels this is cowardice, but...the other part of me feels this is the best way. Hey. If Facebook didn't exist I'd just do what I'm doing now: not covering (all the time). But jeez louise...

At the moment, I'm going with that Facebook confession thing. Spent practically all of yesterday and a night over at my dad's yesterday and completely forgot to drop the "I'm not a Muslim anymore" bomb on my brother. But I just can't freaking wait anymore!! I want to get this over with! So I am.

I'm going to be getting rid of my previous pictures of me in my hijab. I'm not comfortable with them up anymore. Never really was, but...now I really don't want them up. Eh...I don't really have any other pictures of myself, yet...at least not any good ones...but I did make this one random picture while trying out my black lipstick, so...

Eh. It's not the best...I hate spaghetti straps...but it's okay. I guess.

...So I'm going to head over to the library or something after this. Nothing else to do, and I have to contact my counselors on this stupid class hiccup that just completely blew my mind.

...Something that has been bothering me...rather much...as of late is...my...in my opinion, extreme...femininity. I loathe it. Oh, god...Now that I'm not covering, it's really becoming an issue to me. Last weekend I went skating...I couldn't help but watch some of the younger men almost...wistfully. Their angular, lanky bodies...Just muscular enough...Veins in their arms...Deep voices...
...I never really thought this would bother me as much as it is. And jeez, it is bothering me a hella lot.

But. My thoughts on hormone pills still stand: if there was a way to get just enough for just what I want, I'd definitely jump on it. But...it's not that easy, it seems...so...

...I don't know. I'm confused. I don't even know where to start with this. And I'm still too awkward with myself, mentally, to really elaborate on it with my therapist...

...Anyway.
After this post, I'll be modifying those posts with pics of me wearing a hijab...and...will simultaneously start writing that confession...

...Considering my mother will likely see it as well...and someone will likely tell my father...and my brother will find out as well...





...I don't know.

I'm conflicted. Confused...

Show me how to live

...I've been living at my apartment for...four days. My Dad knows, obviously; that was the only thing holding me back from moving sooner. I'm dressed to the nines, today, feeling good...FINALLY laced myself into my corset the PROPER way (darnit!)...but...I need some "safe places" I can dress the way I want. Well, I'm not wearing a hijab right now...but...because I'm at the library, I had my scarf off and then put it back on for some reason. I feel as if I need to hide from someone I don't feel like explaining myself to...

It's not that I'm uncomfortable not wearing a hijab...Though I do love wearing things on my head. Oh, I can't wait until I can get a few hats...

...Ah, well...

If I brought my laptop, I would have made a video of my room and my outfit for today...Maybe I'll do that when I get back home and upload the vid some other time...

From now on, I'm not calling myself a Muslim. I'm...not, really. I don't know what I am. My Dad knows this, too. Or...something of the sort. For now, I'm just a theist; I only believe in one God. The other little things...I'll work on that some other time...

...Lovely that my Dad feels as if he's lost two daughters, now. My older sister left Islam, too...

...So once I get back on T2, my laptop, I'll update all of my pathetic profile pictures...and...hopefully have a new video to show. I wonder if I should make a new blog or just change the name of this one...? Remember my stages? Yeah...I don't know if I'm on stage three, yet...

I have to go shopping for some food, right now.

Just a general update...

My Alias

This is something I've wanted to talk about for a while, since I started this blog, actually.

My alias. Once upon a time this might have been a little more than a simple alias, but that's all really stupid history and fortunately is not that complicated anymore. My alias is Jadell Leigh, a craaaaazy side of me in which I allow myself to be as radical as possible! Emoticons, smilies everywhere! CAPSLOCK! KAHSAKJDSAKLSHAJKSAMLK  keyboard babble! Yeah. I can be like that, but I try to keep it localized to my Jadell accounts.

Accounts under this alias go as far back as 2006, my most long-standing account to this day on FanFiction.net, when my common username was Radical Hartless, a username I still love to bits today. I made up that name because...well...I am radical, and I can be heartless...even though it was a joke that "I was not heartless, just hartless"; honestly, though, the name was inspired by Radical Edward from Cowboy Bebop. I see her as a role model of sorts. My common username is now Lenighma, made especially for myself; it is a combination of my alias' last name "leigh" with "enigma", which was the word I used to describe myself back then (now I use devious).

So, the story back then was that Jadell and Elian were close friends, cousins, really. He was the brooding SOB with a snake tongue, she was the, well, radical nutjob you had to take breaks away from to spare your brain cells. They worked together to create stories, but she always stayed within the K+ to OT rating and he did...everything above T. Eh, even though I might still say that, I'm slowly writing more OT+ stories under Jadell's name...

I made up my alias to be undercover, you see. Back then I was heavily conflicted with my likes and always thought I had to hide my real name from the world. I had a "People can't know I'm Muslim!" mindset back then, because of the stories I write and the things I like (wanting to be an erotic novelist, including homoerotica, and all). As time has gone on, I've wanted to use this alias less and less, but because I'm literally on nearly every popular site I can think of off the top of my head (deviantART, SheezyArt, GaiaOnline, JPopAsia, TokyoPop, MangaFox, Nintendo, VampireFreaks, Playlist, Last.fm, MySpace, the list goes on), uh...it's going to be hard not to use it, especially since I'd love to keep the accounts, just change my username, something that is impossible on more than 80% of these sites without some sort of stupid hiccup. One of the things I hate about being online is having a million accounts everywhere, and because of my alias (and some other person), I literally have well over...oh...perhaps 90 accounts from yesterday and today and perhaps more than 10 email accounts. That's from a span of a mere six years. Ugh. I have accounts I don't even remember having, god forbid...and let's not even go to accounts that have passwords I can't remember!

And why is this mess even existing? All because I was afraid to be who I am.

...I hate this madness...

But...It's history, eh?

Right.

So on to the real reason why I'm making this entry: I REEAAAALLLLLYY love my FanFiction.net Bleach fanfics and want more people to bask in their goodness!! MUEHAHAHAHA!

Seriously having intense Bleach fever, here...

Also, now you know whenever I show stuff under some crazy chit by the name of Jadell Leigh/Lenighma.

And...do a Google search for Lenighma. See what I mean by everywhere?

Countdown...?

The word is my therapist might have a vehicle so we can go by my dad's on Friday to pick up my stuffs (or a good lot of it) to take to the new apartment. If successful, I'll hopefully spend my first night there! You know what song I'll be singing if it does happen...

...Also, there is a possibility I could get an internship at my school, or an internship period. If so, I really have to go hunting for clothes...and shoes; the boots I have now kill my feet with the aggressive way I walk...In fact, I think that's my problem. There's NO grace in my walk. I end up running my footwear ragged...
If I get an internship at school, I'll likely do office work, typing and the like, which is fine; I just want to work, dammit. Twenty years old and I've never worked before...Is that weird...? Feels weird to me...

As for getting a camera, I might have to stick with T2 (my laptop)'s webcam and just make more videos! I wish I could carry a camera around to show more things, but...a camera just doesn't seem to be in my measly budget anymore. Believe me, it's just shy of $100, and that sure as hell isn't enough for a decent camera. Sure, there are cameras under $100, but the reviews are driving me insane! There doesn't seem to be a good compromise anywhere! Some people hate the cameras, some people love them, some had problems with quality, some had none...Where the hell is the middle opinion?! So no. Either I get a miracle during Black Friday/Cyber Monday as I did when I got T2, or I'll just stick with his (T2's) webcam, as I said.

Yes. I name my technology.

And yes. They are all males. T2, full name T2.L(EGACY), is named after my dear 2007 Windows XP desktop, Tron. So T2's name stands for "Tron II point legacy", as I bought him in 2010 during the time the second Tron movie came out! It worked perfectly! HAHA.

*Cough* Right. Yeah. No camera. Mm hm..

What now...?

There's something nagging me. It's been nagging me...for...a very long time (would say "forever", but that's only based upon what I can remember). Two things.

One...I really, truly hate my voice. With a passion. I've sounded like this since I was twelve, dammit. And I do mean that. Oh...the horrors. I swear I don't even recognize my own voice. It just doesn't sound like me, how I hear myself in my head. I've just had to deal with it, but it's obviously not working...

Two, and this is the thing that annoys me to no end...

Oh, hail no..

I'M TOO DAMN FEMININE!

I don't even have to try and I am! Not in walking, not that I think so, anyway. My walk is kind of aggressive on average, even when wearing heels, which is why I can't wear stilettos even if I was a fan of them.

Seriously, I hate this was a passion. Even without my hijab on, I look too feminine. I don't even look remotely androgynous (at least, not to me). Maybe I need makeup. Maybe I need different lighting. Maybe I need to see what I look like without wearing a hijab (and by that I mean in public, like looking in a store mirror). But for crying out loud...

...Yeah. I need to start getting a full-night's sleep. I have bags under my eyes. I'm a night owl, you see. A horrible, horrible night owl. I'm talking six, seven AM. And THEN going to sleep. Half the day is gone. Nothing gets done...

...but that's the best time for me in the world...

And so. Thus I end up with a face like this:

What're you lookin' at?

It's a sad, sad face.

...So. What now?

I know, I know...Hormones. But I don't think it's going to do me any good. I wouldn't mind being a man, but...for now I feel and want to be more masculine. If there was some non-surgery way to become a man, hell, sign me up. But because surgery is the only way...I don't feel comfortable with that. Okay, so then I'm stuck with my own body. Well, gee, then if there was some way to get my voice changed and looking more masculine, including body structure, by taking hormones or something without having to worry about certain other things that'll inevitably come with taking hormones, I'd be hopin' for it in the future in a heartbeat. At least that way I could make my transition easier...One day more like a man, another day more like a woman...Because, dammit, men are damn beautiful when they dress like women or even wear makeup! Even with beards!!

...Ah, well. Just had to let that out...

In the meantime, that damned first chapter of part three of my Bleach fanfic series has been uploaded onto FF.net...

...

...Though it's technically not mine...It's Eve's...which means...erm...it's ours...



I need to figure this thing out. Go with what feels best, yeah...I'll figure that out, don't worry....

Alice, darkly...

My AAIW story...It's technically Eve's...erm, which, uh, technically means it's...ours...
...
You get it...

I wanted to show some excerpts, since I love it so much, but...erm...I'm always afraid of people stealing my prose online. But because I'm glad someone has taken an interest in PSY and AiW, I'm going to go with this blurb that I dream to be on the back of the book one day...if not a better version of it...

Before I show 'em, I just wanna say a few words about AAIW. Firstly, it is one of the few books I had added to my Universal Library, as I call it, before I had even read it. I haven't even done that to Dracula (still haven't read it, either...). I only read it for the first time...two years ago. But by then I had already started writing my own AAIW story because of how...*seethes*...pissed off...I was at Tim Burton's movie. OH, that movie had SO MUCH potential! The only thing I don't really complain about it Depp's awesome (but not even NEARLY Mad enough!) Hatter and the Cheshire Cat!

Thus began the Alice Tale, which is what I call my AAIW when I'm not using its initials, AiW. You see, I have an obsession with the idea of a dark, horrifying AAIW story, which is what I was hoping Burton would do. As for American McGee's Alice...Let me put it straight: it looks very, very pathetic on my scale of awesomeness. I've seen a lot, okay? Screenshots, videos, gameplay...Not interesting. Not even in the slightest. Scary? Yes, in its way; more visually than anything, but nothing near what I desire. I want visuals and you glancing around in spine-tingling, but mind-fucking horror. So it's not the gore I want...it's suggestions and psychological implications. Double-meanings...etc. Xanthic's Wonderlost Project is, however, somewhat and very slightly similar to some of the things I imagine with the characters thus far (being less actual scary, but more of the double-meaning and whatnot) but unfortunately...that's just character artwork and nothing else...It leaves so much to be desired...

Let's not, however, talk about some of the most amazing and definitely dark/horrific AAIW fanart I've seen on places like...oh...deviantART...Why don't these people ever make stories for their artwork...?

So AiW is my answer for all that every other AAIW has lacked. If you know of any other dark/horror AAIWs out there, do please tell me about 'em!

So here's the blurb for my first book, before AiW, abbreviated as PSY...

And here's the first blurb for AiW itself.

Meh. I can't channel whimsy to save my life...Like I said, these are just first version blurbs. I purposely made the title of the second book similar to AAIW (AiW). 

Anyway, this is for you, Dismantlynn...

Sigh

...Just a few random...generally uninteresting and morose words from Mei...

I don't even know why I'm writing this; this blog here's been clear from such blab shit, as I call it, for a while, now...

So I finally got around to talking to my brother about me leaving soon. He's personally fine with it; he said himself that he's seen this coming for a while now, that this is something he's known I've wanted for years. He just doesn't know how the whole showdown with our parents is going to go, either...
...I've got an awesome brother, I do...

I was supposed to go see the apartment (again) today, but didn't, and that's okay. I just...really...really want to be there now. Living there. Decorating...Finding a damned job...I admit I am impatient. I just want to begin my journey. Is that so much to ask for?

...Looking at Tumblr is a bad idea. All it does is make me sad...

At the library...wasting time...
One of the main reason's I'm in this pose is so that my elbow presses the button

I want to buy a camera, a real camera, unlike the one I use now from my laptop. Once I'm on my own, I'd like to start chronicling everything and make my own Tumblr, maybe. Can someone please recommend some good brands/models to get for video and digital pictures? It'll be my first buy...

I looked over some old 2004 - 2007 journal entries I wrote, both via my computer (2007) and handwritten. I seemed so damned...happy back then, for even the dumbest things. Then the very next year, everything suddenly spiraled down so quickly...I have those journals, too, from 2008 and 2009, the worst years in my life. What happened? Has it really only been less than five years that I've struggled with my depression? It feels as if it's been so much longer, especially since I'm still going through it now...The signs may have been sooner than even I think, but, whatever. It feels strangely disgusting at how carefree I was back then...especially when I was 12...

I found out about the Butterfly Project today, thanks to good ol' Gut (Joji Viktor Grey; yes, I call him Gut). Honest to God, I was thinking about picking up cutting once I got on my own, or at least really soon...but not for the reasons you think. At least, not all the time. I don't know. I don't promote self-mutilation due to depression or what have you, but...I have no problem with self-mutilation because you just happen to like it, and I do believe there is a difference...I'll elaborate on this one day...

Yeah. So I'm off, now...going to leave the library soon, get some bubble tea...and then go back home...Whee. And I'm literally slaving over this Bleach fanfic series I'm working on...

Random. Random, random: did I ever mention how much I FUCKING LOVE watching synchronized headbanging?! Been watching GazettE/Satyricon/whatever the hell else I can get my hands on music videos on YouTube...♥ *Siiiiiigh* I wanna play guitar....so badly...

The Stages

I don't think I ever explained something about the title of my blog, here. It's also called Stage Two: The Babybat rants, but it's the "stage two" part that is most important. Why stage two?

My first stage, stage zero, was doing what every (...or a typical...) child does: what they're told. I believed what I was told. I did what I was told. Or in other words, I was simply that. A child. Innocent, for the most part, and my little heart untainted. My stage one was the stage of rebellion and figuring out what my likes and dislikes are, but still pretty much too afraid to break out of my protective mold as much as I wanted to, around ages ten to fifteen. Stage two, this stage, is when I was/am beginning to travel on the road to my ultimate dreams and who I really want to be, not what others say I should be, believing what I believe to be truth...yet conflicted between myself(s). That lasted from around age fifteen to nineteen...going on twenty. And now, I'm on my way to stage three, which is me on that road to my ultimate dream and already knowing I am indeed who I want to be and no one will change that. I don't care how much someone doesn't like it.

Or...am I still on stage two...?

Perhaps for some while longer, huh? After all, there is a lot of experimenting I plan to do once I get out of here. I still can't believe I'm going to be twenty years old tomorrow...or that in four days, there will be a place reserved just for lil' o' me! Sort of; I'll have a roommate, but you get it...

Yeah. I guess I am still on stage two, for now. Hopefully next year, or by halfway to next year, I'll be on my stage three...Once that happens, I'll leave this blog behind and use one I've had on reserve since last year...

Oh, and...I haven't done any shopping yet, but thanks to this young adult program I'm in, the place helping me get out of here and on my feet, I have a small dish set, a small TV with VCR (booyah!), and a black lamp, all donated. And I bought meself two hard plastic goblets from a dollar store...that are silver and black...with silver skeleton hands "holding" them~ I. Love. Them. I will be using them every day!! Also got two stone gravestones that'll work well for bookends!! My first Halloween-season purchases~!!

Also...I'm still intending to uncover, one day soon. I've only covered this whole while because I chose to. I like covering my head, I want to get some hats, for instance, but...I also want to uncover, not wear a hijab all the time. Like I said, lots of experimenting is in order...

Still no internet, so...I'll be updating when I can, as usual.

And thanks for the good wishes!

The rolling stone...

Things are finally moving forward.

Hi, hi, yo, how's ev'ryone? So I've finally seen the apartment I'm going to be moving into. It's a very nice place in an overall good location (right next to a Subway...) and I met my roommate. The landlord said it should be ready for move-in on October 1st, so...I'm slowly, subtlety...packing. It's not easy, I tell you; remember, no one knows of my intentions to move out. I won't even be taking any furniture with me. I'm literally going to be starting from scratch. It's exciting...but I'm worried about how my family will react...

As for school, eh. It looks like I'll either be going to the Winter semester at Gateway or will take an accelerated course in October. Either way, I just want to be in school, dammit. I want to get this over with...Also, there is a possibility I could end up working at Gateway, too, if the latter plan doesn't work. Or maybe even if so...

So things are slowly moving along, ya? Finally got a freaking cell phone, too.

As for my stories...I've been working on my Bleach fanfiction series for weeks, if not over a month, now. I really want to get it done. I've also started working back on a story inspired by Alice's Adventures in Wonderland that I put on hold last year.

...Yeah...

Hopefully things will all work out...

Short update, but I hope to get back into the swing of things once I move out and get myself together.

Saia~

So...

Where the hell? What the hell? I know. Life is giving me its worst right now...

So here's a general update. The process for me getting out of  this hellhole house is...in progress. Slow progress, or so it seems to me. I am an impatient soul. There's much I would love to talk about, but there is also much I need to do today. Next week is the first day of school (Sept. 4, I believe) so I have to get supplies, clothes, you name it. I was given some money for Eid last week and hopefully it'll be enough for all I need...

Not really in the mood to elaborate at the moment...I'm a little...bummed...right now...

...If I get the chance, I'd love to talk about a new game my brother bought for me last week next time, too...~

Liebster Award vers. 2!

Nominated again! Hm. I still don't know who to tag, myself...for the obvious reasons and because I don't have enough time to tag everyone! Still no internet at home, guys...My time's real limited online...

I was nominated by Marmalade Marionette over at the Misadventures of Marmalade Marionette.

Rules for the Liebster Award:

1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
2. Answer questions the blogger set for you.
3. Create 11 questions for people you've tagged to another.
4. Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
5. Go to their page and tell them.
6. No tag backs.

*Looks left, looks right*....What...? My excuses are valid!

The questions I was asked and their answers:

1. If you were stranded on an island filled with natives who feasted only on scorpions as a staple food, would you join them for dinner?
   -Yes. I've always wanted to eat bugs...Makes me feel superior and I might not be so afraid of them!
2. What's your astrological sign?
   -Libra. Funny thing, that...
3. What's your favorite color besides black?
   -AHAHAHA. Oi, how'd you know? Pfft. My next favorite color would have to be...well, honestly, I', not sure. Maybe emerald green...
4. You're stuck in a world controlled by technology. Would you see this world as an utopia, or a dystopia?
   -I can see it being a dystopia. I see it as more of a dystopia than utopia...
5. You have an empty room, with blank white walls. Which color(s) would you paint the walls?
   -I see white wall and I want to paint it...black.
6. What's your favorite animal?
   -Capuchin monkey!
7. Which do you do more: texting? calling?
   -Neither!
8. A magician gives you a bag that takes away all your negative qualities. What are your bad qualities?
   -Self-doubt, irritability, and inability to make up my damned mind! Those are bad qualities, right...?
9. What's your favorite board game?
   -Not really a board game, but based on one, my brother and I loved the electronic version!! We still have it....!!!....I think... T_T
10. What's your favorite book you read during childhood?
    -A Fly Went By. Oh, man. Love, love, love that book still. 
11. If you were given the chance to redo your life, how would you fix your life?
    -I would be myself and wouldn't be so afraid to use my voice at an early age. That's the first thing that comes to mind...

I really do have to go, guys. I have an interesting story to tell, something that happened yesterday and today, but I'm going to have to tell it the next time I get online...

Religion, beliefs, and I

As you know, I was born and raised Muslim.

I believe in quite a lot of what is taught in Islam, especially the more important aspects such as the Angels, Books, Messengers, and life after death. It's the somewhat or absolute smaller but prominent issues that I have near extreme conflicts with.

• Heaven
  - How can a non-Muslim not be able to go to Heaven? I believe any good person should after they die. So you mean to tell me Mother Theresa isn't in heaven right now? You mean to tell me the nicest, most loving and beautiful people in my family won't be going to heaven just because they aren't MUSLIM? You. Have GOT to be out of your fucking mind. Religion and belief should have nothing to do with it.
• Love
  - If one truly loves another person, no matter who, what age or what gender they are, and are loved in return, shouldn't they be allowed to love in peace? Why is loving someone of your gender a sin? Love is so powerful...I believe it should be something respected and admired, not shunned and blasphemous.
• Gender
  - Yes, one may physically male or female. But if it were so wrong to feel the opposite or both genders, why is such a thing in existence? How can one help themself if that is how they truly feel? Are they to live in depression and confusion because of their body or their mindset? That makes no sense to me.
• On a lesser note, prayer.
  - I personally do not like nor do I feel comfortable praying the way Muslims are supposed to. This may change in the future, who knows. But right now...I prefer and enjoy praying quietly. Anywhere. Anytime. Quietly, aloud; it doesn't matter. Not physically, at least not the way Muslims are told to.

And a plethor of other things I can't recall off the top of my head.

I will always continue to follow the aforementioned Islamic beliefs. Always. And I will probably always consider myself a Muslim, especially in my heart...But a few others, specifically these...no. I cannot, will not accept them, no matter how hard I've tried. No. No, no, NO. I refuse. It infuriates me to so much as consider...

...I've been considering adapting other beliefs to the beliefs I already have. Something that makes a lot of sense to me or interests me. Maybe something to fill in some voids...I don't know, really, maybe not. Forgive me, I don't even know what I'm saying...

In the beginning, typically, I considered Wicca. In some ways, I'm still considering Wicca, but not too extensively. There are some Wiccan practices that resonate so well with me...perhaps I will adapt those. I recently did some research on Neo-Druidism...and...am very interested. It made me smile just reading about it. Animism and the that "religious truth [can] be found through nature" really gets to me. That and...oh, I love the idea of being connected to nature, as I really want to be a homeopath, herbalist, follow the macrobiotic philosophy, and...ehe...I have always dreamed of being a "neighborhood witch"...

...Yeah, okay, I should have kept that to myself...

So...Neo-Druidism and Wicca are currently very promising for me...I'm even getting...a little...excited...happy...at the mere thought of all of this...

...and maybe a little sad, too...

A big thanks to all

First and foremost, I met with my therapist today and thanked her, too. It's like she was sent to me to help me out on this difficult journey...

And then I have to thank all those from the Facebook 'Goth and More' Blogging Community who have helped me, spoke to me and sent good words and wishes my way! And then...you guys, the people from both the Facebook group and other bloggers who have done the same. Seriously, you guys. Things are looking just a little, just a little bit brighter, and your comments and wishes help so much. As different as I am from the norm, or so I feel, it makes me feel like I'm not so alone...not so strange...not strange at all!

Falling

Warning. Rant ahead...but what else is new?
...I don't understand. I've supposedly improved since taking this Wellbutrin medication, but...sometimes...like today and yesterday...it doesn't seem to be working. Nothing seems to matter. All seems hopeless...

After looking over and trying to read every Tumblr post and blog entry I've missed since losing the internet at home, I've...fallen into that horrid slump yet again. I've been thinking of the things I used to love doing that I don't do anymore or not enough of in comparison to the better days...Sketching...reading...writing...going outside for no reason but to be outside...

I can't even explain how much I feel as if I've betrayed myself. I love these things. Why...? What's wrong with me?

I don't like to read anymore? Blasphemy! I adore books...yet...I don't feel the desire to read. I always make up excuses...Not having what I want to read...not finding time...or something stupid like that, but even I know they're all lies. I borrowed Dracula recently, for crying out loud, and didn't even pick it up to read once. Ended up returning it to the library on the day it was due with a heavy heart and a confused mind. I don't dare to borrow a book now...That feeling of betrayal is too deep...

I ooh and aah over the list of books I want to add to my library, yet I don't even go out to read them. I used to read so much...

And writing! The last time I can remember in which I was writing nearly every day and taking joy in it was sometime back in 2006. Sure, I've written since then...have had fantastic ideas...etc, etc, but...I don't have the joy in it I once had. I look back on the way I used to write, and...they just flowed. I look on the only story I've ever completed, a fanfiction, back in 2010 and...it, too, just came to me. I didn't have to force myself the way I have to now...I want it to be like that again, always...

Sketching! Goodness, I used to draw and sketch all the time. Took a true liking to it when I realized I'm better at sketching than I am at drawing. Tried to do that again earlier this year and...I just didn't feel that interest, that rush of adrenaline I remember feeling that time I re-drew a computer wallpaper or drew my hands. Or even when I would sketch weapons and jewelry for my stories, or symbols for fun...

...I love making symbols...

...And then of course, there's going outside. This, unfortunately, or quite a lot of it, I admittedly blame on my parents. Once upon a time, from ages 13 to about 16, all I wanted to do was go outside...on my own, mind you. I wanted to go to the park, go visit stores, go to the library, anything, as long as I was out of the house. But I wasn't allowed to go out by myself. I had to go with my brother, or father...or my mother. And then, all of a sudden, age 17 came and I was allowed to go out only because I was going to school. But by that time, I admitted defeat. Oh, and when I turned 18, everything was suddenly "okay". Oh, yes, Maryam! You can go anywhere you want, now, just tell us where you're going and when you might come back! Bye-bye~! What the hell was that? Suddenly, I was paranoid. I was afraid to go out. I had by then lost all...I don't know...confidence to do what I once thought I was perfectly capable of doing when I was younger. I lost it. I was mad, then...at them...

...There's another reason for my not wanting to go out, now, but...it seems too ridiculous to even mention here. I'm embarrassing myself enough as it is...

So. Now I am a mess. I don't want to go anywhere unless it has something to do with what I like. And that, of course, never happens. Now my father is pissed because he wants me to get out more and "interact with the Muslimas" and "the young sisters", because I "am a daughter of Eve, you know". Gee. Thanks, Dad. I'll go back to ignoring you, now.

...Clueless...

I swear, nearly everything he says (or does) pisses me off...

...I often wonder how my family will react once it comes out that I'm bigender...that I want to be considered a man at times...that I don't want to cover...that I do consider myself a Muslim, but according to all of the rules and the basis itself, no, I'm not. As much as I hate to admit it, even I know that. And I hate that. I loathe it. I despise it....and sometimes I have a hard time explaining just why that is, even to myself...

My eldest brother and his wife visited yesterday. It was unexpected, but welcomed. Though I didn't meet her, I found out I've got a little niece...I've wanted a little sister forever. My family knows this all too well. I almost had a little sister, too. But...she didn't make it. A little niece, as my other nieces are older, will probably be the closest thing. The problem is...her mother is Muslim...from Morocco. That never bodes well. Never, fucking ever. There is a huge possibility she will be adamant about not having me in the presence of her daughter in the future.

...Black sheep and all...

...Perhaps I'm blowing things out of proportion, as I do too often. I very well might be. Maybe not. This is why I take meds...but it's not like they seem to do much...

...Ramadan is coming up in a day or so. That will not bode well in any way.

To say I wish I was out of the house today is an understatement.

God's twisted sense of humor

There is currently no Internet at home...and this is the first time I've been out of the house, at the library, since. I've had much I want to talk about since...and whoo! I made it to 50 followers! GUYS? YOU REALLY LIKE ME? :'D

First, let's rewind and go back to the fact that my situation at home is...at best...uncomfortable. In September, I'll be going back to school, and my original plan was, of course, to go to Job Corps. As I mentioned before, I've been offered..a lot... from the higher-ups at Gateway and, hell, my very state itself, it seems (state representative?). They really want me to continue going to Gateway. The reason why I didn't want to go, however, was because I'd still be in direct contact with home, and I sure as hell don't want that.

And now there seems to be a godsend of an answer to my problems and prayers. Emphasis on "seems".

Blame me, and my stupidity, or blame my inability to make decisions on my own when I feel I have to do what my parents would want me to do, but I just don't know what to make of this...

So I've been receiving help from a medical...group...eh...of sorts... for young adults that is allowing me to have medication, a therapist, a psychiatrist...and it's real nice. Thing is, because of my, and ehe, my family's, money problems, I get everything for "free". All I really have to do at the moment is be willing to do what I have to do to get better, and I've been doing just that. Because of this, I seem to be (yet another) "perfect" candidate the state would be willing to spend more money on. And what is it my therapist proposed this time...? Having me move out and into my own place or share an apartment with a roommate.

Do I want to get the hell out of dodge?

Do ya even need to friggin' ASK?!

But you think I don't know how much "debt" I'm going to be in after all is good and well in the (hopefully near) future?

I will have to pay off my "bills", but not anytime soon. That'll be when I'm completely stable, mentally and financially, thank goodness. And if I get away from home, not only will the strings to my parents be cut, but I know for sure I'll be able to think more clearly. I can already take care of a place, and if I need assistance, I'm to tell my therapist. They've done this sort of thing for other young adults, so...Thing is, I'm just a little...wary. All of this will help me, greatly...but...all of that money I'll have to pay back...

I spoke to my mother about what "loans" she had to pay when she was younger, and she said she paid off her college loans the moment she had a job. She eventually did,  and though she doesn't remember how much it was, does remember that it was, to be expected, up there in the thousands. So maybe my situation isn't that much different from typical "college loans", except that I'll just have to pay a different type of loan.

...Right??

Tell me I've got nothing to worry about, please. Oh, no, give it to me straight! Should I go with it, get my peace of fuckin' mind, for crying out loud, and worry about everything else when there's nothing personal to worry about?? This will help me greatly...so greatly...I can and have only imagined having my own space, controlling my own time and what want to do...I wouldn't have to cover, can start wearing the clothes I want to wear...can even (and was recommended) to spend an entire year just getting to know myself! It's...it's...it's a dream I can't imagine coming true...

I want to take this offer, oh, God knows I want to...but it's what I'll owe that bothers me...

...I guess I just want a few more...y'know...experienced thoughts about it...? Especially since you guys  know exactly what I'm going through, at least personally, like why I need to leave home...There's no way in hell I'd be able to be me if I stay at home...And being away from home means I could go to Gateway after all, thus not feel guilty about not taking up these generous offers...

The Devil's Carnival is coming to CT!!

LOOKIT! LOOOOOK! RIGHT HERE, the words do not lie!! IT'S COMING TO CT!! Oh, why did it have to be so far away?? Aw, I thought it was closer, but it's literally near the capital...There's a very teeny tiny chance I might be able to go. There's the fact that I have no money whatsoever, no way of getting there except by public transportation...*sigh* And the likelihood of my brother wanting to take me there is...very...very...slim...

So far, the directions I have from Google Maps state I may be able to get there in about three hours...so...maybe leave at five o'clock? Ugh. Then there's the fact that it takes place at 9 PM and might...

...

Yeah.

This isn't going to happen.

...Just when I was complaining about nothing in my interests happening here...something does happen...Oh, what a mess..

I guess I'll just keep looking for solutions until the date...

Liebster Award

I was awarded the Liebster Award by DarkAngelCase over at The Strange Case of a Curious Mind and Sal Kaye over at Still Dark @ Heart. Ha-ha. I needed something to blog about. This came just in time...

So this award is given to upcoming bloggers with less than 200 followers.

Rules for the Liebster Award

• Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
• Answer the questions the tagger has set for you.
• Create 11 questions for the people you've tagged to answer.
• Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
• No tag backs.

11 things about me (in no particular order of importance):

1. Though I absolutely love to learn, I hate schooling.
2. I had plans to kill myself. Was thinking something along the lines of drowning after overdosing on sleeping pills.
3. Music. Is. My. Life. And it has saved my life. If it were a religion, I would be such a devout follower, it's sad.
4. Up until around two years ago, my dreams (and near-unconscious moments) were plagued with reoccurring shadow people. I only just discovered they were shadow people a week or two ago, after being tormented by these things since I was a child. I call them "My Little Friends"...
5. Thanks to said shadow people, I have a severe fear of being exposed while sleeping and sleep with a sleep mask.
6. All of my favorite actors, except one, are male.
7. I am severely arachnophobic. I have panic attacks, hyperventilate, everything.
8. Larger than life objects give me a horrible fright. I don't even know how to describe the feeling...*shudders*
9. As long as I've been writing (since before I could even spell or write words), I've only finished one of my hundreds of stories in my entire life (even counting my short stories and fanfiction).
10. I want to be the sole owner and manager, and play an active part, in my own business and company in the near future.
11. All of the people I look up to most in my life are men.

The questions I was asked:

1. What is your favorite candy?
2. What book are you currently reading or have just finished?
3. What was the last movie you saw in the movie theater?
4. Do you like the Opera?
5. What is your favorite restaurant?
6. Do you prefer Autumn or Winter; Spring or Summer?
7. What is your favorite fruit?
8. What do you carry around the most?
9. What is your dream car?
10. What anime shows do you watch?
11. Do you have a favorite stuffed animal?

Answers:

1. I suppose my favorite candy are mint-flavored ones. Can't be mint-anything-else except mint-chocolate. Other than than that, simple ol' mint is my #1.
2. I'm currently re-reading The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers for the...I-don't-know-what-th-time. 
3. The last movie I saw in the theaters was The Avengers (2012).
4. Yes! My mother introduced me to a great lot of Puccini operas (Madam Butterfly, Turandot, La bohème) when I was younger and I've loved them since!
5. ....I guess I'll have to go with my top three favorites as a tie: Pizza Hut, Captain's Pizza, and Famous. 
6. Late Autumn, with Winter in second place.
7. My favorite fruit? I'm a fruit monster. That's a really difficult question to answer. It is. I don't know.
8. I carry a weapon with me at all times.
9. My dream car is a black hearse of pending design with a CD and cassette player, airbags, and a sunroof.
10. The anime I watch are (all subbed, unless stated otherwise):
    One Piece
    Hellsing Ultimate OVA (sub and dub)
    Code Geass
    Death Note
    Cowboy Bebop (sub and dub)
    Samurai Champloo (sub and dub)
    Fullmetal Alchemist
    Saiyuki
    Paranoia Agent (sub and dub)
    s-CRY-ed (sub and dub)
    D.N.Angel
    Pokémon (I've never watched the sub)
    Shaman King
    Yu Yu Hakusho (sub and dub)
    FLCL
    Dragon Ball Z (...mostly dubbed, believe it or not)
    Devil May Cry
    Princess Tutu
    Beelzebub
    InuYasha (sub and dub)
    Bleach (up until, you know, IT STARTED TO SUCK)
    [THIS LIST IS STILL BEING UPDATED]
11. My favorite stuffed animal...was...my baby bear...My grandmother gave it to me. Somehow, someway, I lost it a few years back. I've never been the same without it...

Questions I'm asking you:

1. What do you prefer, an anime version or the original manga, unless the anime came first?
2. What manga do you read?
3. What shows from the 90s and 80s are most memorable to you?
4. What do you think of the kid's cartoons of today?
5. What are your plans for the future?
6. What is your favorite genre(s) of music?
7. What is your favorite book, manga, comic, and otherwise?
8. What obscure book, manga, comic, etc, do you read and love?
9. Do you read any webcomics?
10. Do you like tacos?
11. Do you know how to do the hokey-pokey?

...I suppose you can see where my mind has been lately...

I tag you! Pikachu!

•  ....Uhh...Anyone who hasn't done it? Lots of people have, it seems...I know...I'm breaking the rules... 

...I wish I was asked some questions about the 90s...*sigh* Especially since I've been obsessing over 90s cartoons, if it isn't obvious...

Ah, well. This was fun...

Todd McFarlane's Spawn

Four days later. Sometimes I wonder...

Anyway! My obsession with this fan-fucking-tastic animated series is still in overdrive!

My newest obsession! | From Google

To begin, let's start with my history with Spawn. I'm quite sure I either learned about it from the old pictures my mom showed me of my older cousin as a kid reading Spawn comics (he was/is (?) a big fan) or because of the 1997 movie. Either way, naturally, I became interested, but never pursued. Then somewhere along the line I saw the movie. I liked it, though I don't remember my reaction very well...aside from loving that cape, man! The caaaape!!

Fast-the-fuck-forward to this week. Whoa, man. Don't even ask what possessed me to suddenly search for the TV series or how I discovered it. It was just this past Monday and I don't remember, either. All I do remember is that I was begging for the cartoon to be as dark and gritty and, well, everything I've been dying for in a TV series that I haven't been able to find.

How ironic that I would find it in an old HBO series, considering everyone I know considers HBO to have really interesting stuff and I can't get into any of it. True Blood? Gag me. Please. I cannot take it seriously; you have no idea...

Right. So I was hooked on the first episode. What is it about this series that I love?

Pros

• A legitimate story

And a story that doesn't include crap called school, work or owning a damned restaurant. Better yet, apparently like the original comic itself, it gets right to the gist of the story, with the main character Al already in his undead state as a Hellspawn General...er...a general of the Army of Hell...or someother...As much as I love gradually getting into a story, it's a rare to treat to come upon one that jumps right in that ends up being good in my mind.

• Superb voice-acting

A definite 10/10 for voice acting in this series.  Not only do they have a boss of an actor (Keith David) voicing Spawn, but the voice acting is legitimate! When Spawn agonized, oh, my god, did I agonize along with him. I thought my forehead would permanently crease from all the times I furrowed it in my pity for this...erm...man. Everyone else did just as good, but you know I have to give the main man best props. Also...whoa. Violator's voice. Scary as shit when he was in his true form.

• Animation was dark, atmospheric

And they call this series low-budget. The only sign of its times or possibly of it being low-budget were the occasional (in my opinion) reuse of scenes. But I understand they did that in the old days, anyway. Some were well manipulated to flow with the progression of the episode, but some carried flaws. Didn't bother me in the slightest. And must I mention HIS CAPE?! Oh, sorry...his shroud. Oh. Ugh. Every scene with that bloody thing is my favorite. It moves so beautifully. The blending of shadows, the wonderful contrast of day and night...Good features for every character (unlike some anime I won't mention)...Oh, yeah...

• Not for kids!

Not by any stretch of the imagination! Also, c'mon, this is HBO. Sex? Yes. As usual, there was a moment there I was worried every episode was going to have sex or nudity in it...but don't worry. Later on it becomes much more tastefully done. Eh, but it didn't bother me, anyway. Voice acting was good with that, too~ :p Pfft. Nice gratuitous use of crude and strong language, too. Ahh...

Cons...

• ....Too. Damn. SHORT!

Seriously? This isn't too uncommon for good animated series, be they anime or otherwise. The short ones are usually really freaking good. Six episodes per seasons, and there were three. Three seasons...three sixes. 666, anyone~? And so, only eighteen freaking episodes, and just when I was ready to freaking cry at the last episode!

• IT. JUST. ENDS!

No conclusion to that nail-biting discovery?? What about Wynn?? And Spawn! Just when he got it! *Gag, growl, hiss* Over ten years later and there's still no conclusion!! 

Any other complaints? Nada~! 

I'm kinda in a rush (may touch up on this bas later), but seriously. Spawn has everything I've ever looked for in a TV series: dark, humorous (Spawn even has his moments; oh, and his one-liners!), tragic, dashes of ADULT romance (nothing pissed me off, which is a first in itself), and...deeeemons. Deeevils. Posssesssions...Wheeeee....It was somewhat lacking in the element of more dark cretins, but I have no complaints. It was short, but I'm so getting this bad boy on the best DVD set I can get my hands on!!

...

And this will be the third Western comic (along with The Crow and Batman, of course) I'm so adding to my library! Must get into Spawn...

Short rant of upcoming review: Todd McFarlane's Spawn (1997)

I have just spent the past...oh...about if not over ten hours, staying up all night and all morning, watching this...heavenly...90s cartoon.

Unfortunately, I have somewhere to go in six hours. So I'll have to make the actual review after I come home, as I have to take a four-hour nap. Here's to hoping I wake up before 11 AM so I can take a freaking shower!!

From Google

Adding this son of a wizard to my top favorites' list. The one and only complaint? WHERE'S THE REST OF IT?! It just ENDS! We, the fans, DEMAND MORE. If the comic is anything like this cartoon...this will be the second, and only second, Western comic that is irrefutably and lovingly going into my library....along with Batman. Of course.

You don't understand. I've literally been wining and bitching and moaning and groaning for a show like this for...so...long. And then I find it...only to find out it's...not...FINISHED?!

Why...oh, why...is it that I miss out on all of the goodies only to discover them years later...I had to be seven years old when this mofo came out, eh? SEVEN! And just a year later I started writing smut!

As you can see, I attached the "obsession(s)" label. Yes. Along with Beetlejuice, this is one of my new Obsessions. Prepare to hear more about this...lots more...

...and speaking of Beetlejuice...this must be my lucky-eye-weekend: yesterday I watched a whole bunch of "new" (to me!) Beetlejuice episodes on YouTube!! Finally got to see Not So Peaceful Pines, in which we get to see a cartoon, kid-friendly version of his movie self, in a way...!

...
...

Oh.

See~ I can't help myself when it comes to my obsessions....~♥

Saia~!

The search for peace of mind, pt. 2

To begin, there hasn't been much to talk about. Okay, maybe there has, but nothing I would want to talk about here, even if this is the place to rant. My words seem...pointless. Repetitive. Stupid. Laughable. Immature...Haven't checked my mail, haven't read anything, haven't enjoyed anything...My mind is so...


I am so...

Here's the goddamned deal. I've spent the past...what...six months...?...at Gateway. Pretty much worked my ass off, or maybe I didn't; everything seems like a pathetic blur, now. To sum it up, not only did I get straight A's in all four subjects, but I made the Dean's List and have also...received annoying, aggravating pressure from just about every teacher and facilitator I know. As I'd mentioned, my intentions were to get the fuck away from home and go to Job Corps. Yeah. Thing is, since that got out to my teachers, word spread, and to sum it up, I've now not only got the attention of the person who runs this damn program, but I've got one of my frigging state representatives throwing favors at me to stay at Gateway in the fall instead of going to Job Corps. That and also other favors from other important people, including offers of scholarships and lovely shat like that I'd feel like an idiot if I didn't agree to suck up to.

What. The. Fuck.

So. As much as the idea of this is lovely and all, I'd unfortunately not only still be in the same state as I am now, but I'd still be reliant on home. I'd have to keep on frigging coming back here every day. I. don't. WANT. So what to do? 

And this fucking medication I'm on isn't working. It's just easier to grin and bear with it, but lying has always been my specialty, thank you very fucking much. But is it working? No. No, it doesn't seem to be.

As usual.

I'd still so rather just end it, for crying out loud...

And then there's me. Ah, how forgetful I am. Was supposed to call this culinary instructor guy over the weekend, but as usual, I've been forgetting. Now this will be the second time I'll have to face the guy who gave me his number and did this favor for me (he's hooking me up with the culinary guy because he knows I want to be a chef). Even lost the number. Can't remember where I put the damn thing. 

Do I feel like a fool? Yes. Yes, I do. As stupid as an excuse my forgetfulness is, it is a legitimate problem, people. I've apparently inherited it from my father. Yet no one believes me... What I don't get is, why the hell would I be doing this to myself on purpose, assholes?

So.

Feeling like a good wad of shit right now. Nothing new, of course. 

...I know. I get it. Nothing to talk about...

Day #?? of the Hot Blood Overdrive and of Bat Fit 2012

To be honest...when news of Le Professeur Gothique's Bat Fit 2012 came out last year, I kind of sighed to myself.

On November 12, 2010, I began what I called my Hot Blood Workout regimen, inspired by Aural Vampire's song of the same name. Did it work? Even I don't know; the HBG was nothing new, I had just given it a name. February 28th of this year began what I called my Hot Blood Overdrive regimen...and that hasn't been going very well at all. Maybe. I'm not sure...

...I'm not even going to try to count how many days into the HBO I am...

So I was debating whether or not I would partake in Bat Fit...and I don't know. Maybe incorporate elements...

So here's what I've done so far...

Today I went to the dollar store and bought me some things...

You have no idea how hard it was to get this picture...

So...Yeah. Another gorgeous book and pristine white paper to ruin.

I need to go to bed...I'm an hour behind schedule...and there's school tomo— today. Later today.

I had a nice dream, yesterday. One of the few that take place in the real world, but was most definitely "a dream", if you get what I mean...

I'd go into detail...

But that'd be bitching.

...Yeah. I've been off...

The search for peace of mind

There hasn't been much to talk about. Hopefully tomorrow I get to go out with a friend, maybe go to the mall and talk over lunch or something...and then it's back to a rigid school schedule on Tuesday. Lovely. In the meantime, I'm searching for peace of mind...

Everything has just been so very messed up. This whole year has started off on the wrong foot, amiss all of my "accomplishments". I personally don't feel very accomplished. And I'm not going to bitch, don't worry; even I'm not in the mood to do that... 

So here's the deal. I've grudgingly accepted that I won't have a single peace of mind with my personal identity and mindset for as long as I'm even remotely connected by this invisible dependent string to my family. Okay. But I can at least get the hell away from everyone and take up something hands-on, a trade, for a year or so. My plan for the next fall school semester is to go to Job Corps, but not the one here. I'm talking about the one in Massachusetts. 

So what does this mean? This means I'm going to have to go to the adult education center and talk to the Job Corps liaison there. I've spoken to him before, but it was some time last year. He might not even remember me...

And then, if I get that out of the way, learning when the next schedule is and such, the next part is going to be hardest. I need a near entirely new wardrobe. I'm talking underwear, toothbrush, hijabs, the whole nine freaking yards and more. It's ridiculous, really...and I don't know how that is going to work...

I've been forgetting to take my meds, so maybe that's why I've been so very out of it. Though I have to admit, the idea of being "dependent" on medication is really starting to piss me off. They never seem to work, anyway. 

Oh...and there was this vocational counselor I was supposed to have seen sometime during the weeklong break I had...but...I...forgot. Did I mention how bloody forgetful I am...?

Yeah. Feeling rather shitty. My attempts to finish my fanfiction and stories aren't helping, either...not to mention the lack of reviews...

I think I'm straying to bitching.

I shall stop, now...

Oh, and in other news, the Project DV wiki is up and running..

World Goth Day 2012

2012  |  Image from Facebook (?)

Been looking forward to this day for a while, now. I had it on my calendar and everything...but...unfortunately...there is little I can do to celebrate that differs from my everyday norm. Now, I suppose I could try to listen to lovely music all day long, out loud, but that is just a great big "SUPPOSE". Did I mention my mom and I share a room...?

Not to mention my other idea to stay out all day on the computer interacting with my internet companions is also hampered since I've been up and am up now to near 6 AM. Been reading fanfiction....all morning...and watched nothing but Enies Lobby episodes of One Piece with my mom up until about midnight, so...yeah.

...I'm also feeling...quite...well...it're really no different from the norm, but...at times like this...I don't care. Not what happens to my body, not that I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing...not like that...

So. Yeah. Happy World Goth Day 2012, ev'ryone...

Oh, and this is my (published) 90th post and (unpublished) 100th post. Interesting.

Flea Market Finds

Obviously, I went to the flea market today. I found three, count 'em, three things off my small list o' necessities!

This is new.

First and foremost is a gorgeous black umbrella I found at the very end of the market itself. I had a gut feeling something good was going to be at the end. Check this: got it for $2. And the only "problem" with it is just being a lil' dirty and one of the folds had dead maggots in it (dried, so they were easily brushed off). Come on. This, what, $12 umbrella is a total steal.

Second are these....*inhales sharply* gorgeous compact mirrors mimicking Anna Sui's brand that I've only found on Ebay for around $4 to $8 each! I got 'em both for $4; two dollars each. That booth had more Anna Sui-like cosmetic accessories, also seen on Ebay, but I didn't get the large black vanity mirror because lack of monies and it was just too biiiiiig.

And lastly are these earphones. They were the most expensive at $5...but...they seem to be dying AL-FUCKING-READY. Lovely purchase, those. Hmph...

Aaand...I don't have enough money to see Dark Shadows, as I had forgotten I wanted to do...Stupid...stupid...

And, forgot to mention, but the first time I went to the local flea market, I found these lovely sunglasses.

I'm talking about the lower, smaller ones. The larger ones are what I call my Burton glasses and were bought on Ebay for a little less than $5. Oh yeah. Finally...

I really need to start budgeting again. I've fallen completely out of synch since I began to go to Gateway...

A note: like I said, school is technically over, but only for a week; this week coming up. Then I'm off to some mandatory computer class that I'm looking forward to and planning on acing for a month. And then...

Movie review: Dream House (2011)

This movie is not a horror. It's some attempt at psychological thriller. It sucked.

End of story.

Dream House | Image from Wikipedia

I feel cheated; the commercials liiiiied. This was the most unsatisfying movie I've seen in a long time.

And a short note: I've finished this college transition program at Gateway...and the awards banquet is at 6 PM today. I've been very much lethargic and unmotivated to do anything, even read or write, hence the lack of entries...

...I had to make this one, however, because my mom and I were so looking forward to a friggin' horror!!

...Lies...

Some books and losing steam

First and foremost: books and movies I've recently discovered. Two goth subculture books were found in my school's library. One, which I have borrowed before but never finished, is called Goth: Undead Subculture and the other I plan on borrowing today is called Goths: A Guide to an American Subculture. Hm. Interesting. So far, the first book seems very much legit. I had planned to do a review, but even though this is my second time borrowing this damned book, I fear I won't be able to finish it before the 24th arrives. Though...I do have a week off of school...so...maybe then...?

Image fro Google | Seems legit

  

Image from Google
I'm wary of this one, for some reason...

 And now, movies. Never seen 'em, but they sure sound interesting. I stumbled upon an interesting picture from one of the Tumbrs I follow. I think it was a wolf wearing what appeared to be Mary Antoinette-esque attire, complete with the wig/hair, and at a table with a man and a woman dressed in clothes of the same period. Didn't look like a parody at all. So! The movie sounds just up my alley!

Image from IMDb

Yeah, yeah, look at that creepy cover. The user-made summary is: A bag full of symbolic folklore about werewolves, or, rather, their sexual connotation. Granny tells her granddaughter Rosaleen strange, disturbing tales about innocent maidens falling in love with handsome, heavily eyebrowed strangers with a smoldering look in their eyes; about sudden disappearances of spouses when the moon is round & the wolves are howling in the woods; about babies found inside stork eggs, in a stork nest high up a tree; etc., etc. Of course the story of Little Red Ridinghood is also present, with a very handsome he-wolf! (And of course this he-wolf consumes Grandmother, but 'consumes' Little Red Ridinghood). All the stories are somehow reducible to loss of innocence, and fear of/hunger for (a newly acquired sense of) sexuality; their Freudian character is mirrored in their dreamlike shapes. This movie is not really a horror movie; it's more a multiple tale about growing up into adolescence.

Mm hm~ I wouldn't mind if it's campy...I just want it to be GOOD campy! Like Rocky Horror or Trick 'r Treat...

And the second is one I've heard of before, but never researched.

Image from IMDb

C'mon. Sam Neil and Sigourney Weaver are in it. If it's not good, I'm gonna be pissed.

I love dark versions of fairy tales...

*Ahem* And now for the (very short) rant.

I'm losing steam. The finals are tomorrow and alllll the rest of this week and...seriously? This is EPIC. FAIL. I spend more time focusing on PDV than school work! I've just fallen apart. I'm tired of this bull that is completely unrelated to what I want to do in the future, especially math. I know...I know this is necessary...but it's driving me fucking crazy!

...Maybe I just need a break...from everything. I don't know...

Define: devious

Typed in:

Define:devious

Used dictionary:

Google.com

 Result:

• indirect in departing from the accepted or proper way; misleading; "used devious means to achieve success"; "gave oblique answers to direct questions"; "oblique political maneuvers"
• characterized by insincerity or deceit; evasive; "a devious character"; "shifty eyes"
• deviating from a straight course; "a scenic but devious route"; "a long and circuitous journey by train and boat"; "a roundabout route avoided rush-hour traffic"
• wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
• Deviating; not straightforward, not honest, not frank; not standard
• en.wiktionary.org/wiki/devious
• deviously - in a devious manner; "he got the promotion by behaving deviously"
• wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
• deviousness - the quality of being oblique and rambling indirectly
• wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
• deviousness - The characteristic of being devious; sneakiness; underhandedness
• en.wiktionary.org/wiki/deviousness

Which of these do you think I mean when I use the word "devious"? If you've seen anything related to Project DV, obviously, this word comes up quite often. I've been thinking about it for a little while now...and since I have so many projects in mind and so many things I want to go public in the future...I'm wondering how the general mass will react to my usage of the word "devious". Whatever the reaction, I do admit I'll never change it. It's been the word I've always used.

Devious...

The meanings I use are "indirect in departing from the accepted or proper way", "deviating" and thus "deviating from a straight course".

The word "devious" has always been a favorite word of mine, even before I knew I liked it as much as I do. It's the only reason why deviantART interested me back in 2006...And it sounds strange, and although totally unrelated, but I always associated the word "devious" with mature, serious media and a dark, serious mindset.

So it all began around 2006, like said. I found deviantART and joined it in 2007 (my old accounts have since then been deleted...).  I was hoping dA to be a serious atmosphere sort of place, so I was genuinely disappointed when I realized it was more like...a seriously funny online community. Really, it is. If any thing "devious" about it, they do what no other art community site has done before. I can't even list the things, good and bad.

Since then, I've religiously looked for other online communities with mature and dark atmospheres...and have found none. There was one, but it wasn't what I was looking for. It wasn't nearly dark enough and more focused on Alice in Wonderland the way the first incarnation of Project DV was focused on Halloween. So, no, that won't work. I don't even remember its name...It might not even be around anymore. So, obviously, I've tried to make my own serious (and witty) deviant site, to no avail, via PDV itself. It's gone through too many incarnations over the years...

But "devious". This word is usually used negatively. What is it about this word that interests me and sucks me in the way it does? Honestly, I don't know. If I wanted to be 'chievous about it, I could say because it begins with 'd', the way dark, different and devilish do. I like those words, too, within certain contexts. But I know for sure that's not the real reason. I know once upon a time, the word I always used was "unique". I used to use that word when I was in my tweens. But somehow I stumbled upon "devious" in my early teens and haven't looked back since.

I use the definitions of devious in a sort of rebellious way, taking its meanings of "not standard" and "indirect in departing from the accepted or proper way" to heart. It's like being different, you see. Best thing, like all things I associate with my nature, is just that. It's my nature to deviate. It's my nature to be devious. I don't need to fake or "act like" much of anything, amiss what it seems like sometimes. When I am inspired by another's personality and etiquette, it's because it's a part of me that I never really divulged into, always wanted to, and didn't know how to apply it into the real world. I needed to see an example.

PDV is my life's work, also staring in 2006. Everything I do is to help PDV in some way or another, whether financially or for divisions and subsidiary projects. It is the hub of my deviousness. And it all started because damn ol' deviantART wasn't what I was looking for, so I thank thee. At the moment, it's more of a...work in development...but it has locations online that give plenty of a general idea of what I hope for it to be in the future. At least, I think so.

Related to the word "deviant", I've also used "darkness", as in the darker side of life. I accept and encourage those interested in it to go for it. It's always been a part of who I am, a dark interest. It all started with Halloween, thus the reason why the first incarnation of PDV was Halloween-related.

To this day, Halloween reminds me of how it all began, my true interest in the darker side of life and my realization that I dared to be different. And that started with noticing how different from my peers I was, and of course, still am to this day.

Another definition of devious I use is one I've made up myself. As mentioned further above, I use it to mean something or a person related to darkness, maturity and a serious "atmosphere", all of the things I enjoy but find hard to come upon nowadays. I know there are people like that out there, and I myself aren't always this devious, but it's the general makeup of who I am (...after sarcastic and witty).

I never really noticed it before, but I've taken one word and completely reinvented it to my liking and incorporated it into everything I do. This is why Project DV is my life's work. It was spawned from my love, my nature to deviate. When I think about it, dream about it, I can see a future with me being my devious self like nobody's business and being a strong believer in Islam. Might sound funny, or "wrong", in the same sentence (Islam and devious, that is), but hey. This is me. I reinvented the word.

Be proud. Be devious!

Guess what came in the mail~!

After a strenuous and studious day at school yesterday, I arrived home to find a package waiting for me on my bed. My mom told me...it was my corset I ordered from Corsets-UK!!

Me first corset~!!

I got it for less than $50...$45, in fact; free shipping! And it wasn't expected to come until May 16th or something ridiculous like that, but it came YESTERDAY!! Oh, man. It's so legit. Weighty, you know...and soooo beautiful. It's unbelievably REAL! I'm wearing it right now. I can only wear it at night, unfortunately, since...well...you know. How the hell would I explain it to my dad...?

I do have a few worries, but I think it's just my body. I messed up my insides pretty badly, you know. My kidneys are probably in a bad shape...and...well, I probably shouldn't even be wearing this yet; give my body some time to heal from the shit I did to it, y'know what I mean? But I can't resist....!!! Wore it to bed last night and stood/sat upright effortlessly all day with it off. Awesome.

So. I would post more pics....but...there's not much to show. The second one I took literally looks similar to the first.

Soooo happpyyyyyyy....

And I watched my favorite Beetlejuice scenes today. About...five times. *Ahem* Yes. I am happy. Started watching The Nightmare Before Christmas, but...had to stop since my dad came home. *Sigh* Oh, WAIT!! I can watch my DVDs on my laptop!!!

OH YEAH!!

Quoth the lyrics flowing through my ears at this very moment, "It's Friday, I'm in love"~!

...This is new...

I'm a person, damn it all

The following is a heated, mindless rant fueled by pent up anger. You have been warned.

Yesterday the strangest, annoying thing happened to me. I'm minding my own business in the school library, just about an hour and a few before it closes, and trying my damned hardest to do my plethora of homework. I have a lot on my mind, mostly self-antagonizing, as well as the fact that the math finals are coming up and there's just so damn much I hate about math and it's all chicken shit scratch to me, and my right wisdom teeth have effectively made the entire right side of my face painful to touch and just overall in pain, not to mention cutting the inside of my cheek. Unfortunately, as I've been told by my mother, brother, father, and even complete strangers who stop me on the street, when I'm in a funk, it shows in my aura and on my face. Unfortunately. So I wasn't even looking in the general direction of this woman sitting at the computer beside me, and she suddenly asks me if I'm having a bad day.

What was I expected to do, lie? So I tell her yes, but blame it aaaall on my teeth and math finals instead. Then she goes into this...um...repetitive talk about how I "am old enough to make my own choices," and that I "am free" and "can be free" and asking if my father was harsh to me that went on for about...fifteen minutes. I swear, if I wasn't raised right...

You get where I'm going at with this? If I wasn't wearing a so glaringly obvious headscarf, this woman probably wouldn't have said anything of this annoyingly "nice" sort. No, it's not "nice" when you talk to someone about their choices in life, much less because of their religion. You have no idea what someone could be going through.

My point is...how I...greatly...desire for people to not look at me and only see a Muslim woman. Because, oh, you know where the mind strays with those two come together. Oppression! Wearing all black! Faces covered! Being beaten by their husband! Having no rights whatsoever!! OH THE AGONY MUSLIM WOMEN MUST GO THROUGH!

Shit, fuck, man. The media is such a reliable tool, isn't it? Oh, and then when you actually see how "normal" Muslims can be, you immediately believe it isn't real! That it's just a ploy against the world and to make people see we can be trusted! So you shut the show down. Bastards.

As much as I love covering my head, and believe me, I do, I can't do this. This isn't helping my mentality at all. And I'd rather not have to feel as if I must prepare myself once I see a person coming towards me for questions, go on the defensive, and grab my mace in case this is a crazy person who won't leave me alone. It has happened to my mother and I. I don't want to have to announce to the entire quarter of a mile that a Muslim woman is truckin' through because they can see my headscarf from that distance.

I don't want to only be seen as a Muslim woman. I want to be seen as just a person. An anomaly, even. Just leave me the fuck alone and stop talking to me about my religion.