This is an extremely personal post, inspired by a post I read by VelvetBat. It gave me the courage to just...let it out. I'm somewhat tired of not telling anyone, so I'll tell you guys instead. I've wanted to talk about this for a very long while...Both are related to identity, one in a way related to my gender, the other in some ways related to that as well, but by way of my mindset, I suppose...
Since I was young, through ages nine and eleven, I had this interesting, slightly disturbing and strange fascination with alter egos and personality disorders. For a while there, I wanted one and/or thought I had one. I got one right. I do indeed have an alter ego, but not a personality disorder, for which I am thankful for...but at the same time, still morbidly curious as to what it might be like. I never meant this in a joking sort of way. Ever. I was quite serious about it...and still am.
There have been many instances in my life in which I wondered what it was like or wished to be male. I've never looked it up, but I have felt both comfortable and uncomfortable in my own skin, sometimes simultaneously. I'm not quite sure how to explain it. Since I was young, I was more of a tomboy than a girly girl; climbing trees, beating up my older brother, and always ready for a conflict, even with other boys when I shouldn't have been. I've always hated the sound of my voice. For the longest time I would pick up the phone and people would think I was my brother, and that went out for a while, even after he hit puberty. That somewhat thrilled me. I've though myself to have a deep voice, wanted a deep voice, and still do. I wish I a gravelly, androgynous voice in which you couldn't tell I was male or female. I love androgyny with a passion.
There are also things that I like that confuse me. I wouldn't mind have a flat chest at all and want to bind, though I'm drawn to other women's chests, especially if they have particularly large busts. That may or may not have something to do with my round, bouncy fetish...And at the same time, I know for certain that I'm heterosexual. Oh, I'm flaming straight, if you want to say. When I was little, you could say I had a sort of penis envy, though not with the following Electra complex. I just wanted one. For whatever reasons, even I don't know. Then, of course, are the other things that I've noticed about myself. I know for a fact that if, hypothetically, I were to suddenly become a male, I would still be attracted to men, not women. I don't understand how this works...
As for my alter ego...
I don't know when exactly I created an alter ego for myself or exactly why I did it, but I did. My alter ego is a male nicknamed Eve. Over the years, I've had difficulty determining just what exact gender he is...but he looks male on the outside, at least. Inside, however...I'm not sure to this day.
I took Eve's creation to such great lengths. I gave him a birth date, email address, act as him while online, want him to be treated as if he were a real person (because in some way, he really is), and when in certain moods and mindsets, I call it "being Eve". I even have conversations with him via instant messaging, going back and forth between two clients, and have sent letters to him...to myself.
This means I've wished to be able to dress as a male, and for a very long time. But this greatly conflicts with my religion, as men aren't supposed to dress as women and vice versa. However, I really, really wish there was some way I could pass for male. I wish to be a cross-dresser.Yet I'm so very confused with who I am and with my religion...
I've never told anyone about this, not even my brother, who I've almost literally told everything to. I don't know how this is going to sound. I don't even know how it sounds to myself...
I want to cross dress.
I wish I were male.
Women's bodies fascinate me.
But I'm attracted to men.
I don't like being a woman.
I hate having a vagina and especially my menstrual cycle.
But I love the idea of inserting a penis in a vagina.
And I like both femininity and masculinity; both masculine traits and feminine traits.
...
I'm a so very messed up individual. I'm uncomfortable and confused with my mind...
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Bell Book and Candle & outfit video
Off to the school play! Well, it's not by my school, but my class is going to have a day off to see it.
I had never heard of this story until it was announced in my class that we were going to see it. It's a...comedy, I'm told. My mom had heard of it, so..It's got witches in it, so that should be a good point. Hopefully it's not like the Sabrina or Bewitched sort of comedy witches. Never liked 'em...
Here's what I'm wearing for the play!
Beetlejuice FTW...
I might and will most likely do a review after coming back.
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| Long Wharf's poster | From site |
I had never heard of this story until it was announced in my class that we were going to see it. It's a...comedy, I'm told. My mom had heard of it, so..It's got witches in it, so that should be a good point. Hopefully it's not like the Sabrina or Bewitched sort of comedy witches. Never liked 'em...
Here's what I'm wearing for the play!
Beetlejuice FTW...
I might and will most likely do a review after coming back.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Repost: my take on the lolita fashion
This is a repost of a rant I made in early 2011 when I was just starting out on Blogger
And this is still a rant. You have been warned.
Never even wore the style and I've grown out of it. There's plenty of reason behind my decision...First, what is it about lolita I found interesting? Hm. The dresses, maybe. The overall silhouette, when it was done right. Never liked most of the poof-poof, though. I always thought a-line dresses to be much more appealing and so much more practical.
What is it I like about the aristocrat style? Everything! Aristocrat...What does the word mean? The word alone makes one thing of elegant, proper and mature adults of the 18th century and whatnot, eh? I know it does to me.
Elegance...sophisticaiton...maturity...things you don't often see with most lolitas, who try to be "sweet" and "childish". I wouldn't say childish if I hadn't seen it myself, okay? The thought of that annoys me...way too much. Childish...The hell did that come from? When I pictured lolita, I always saw it as doll-like, delicate and elegant, not childish. The heck with the pat-a-cake games and singing ring around the rosies?? Childish! Now, don't mind me if that's what you actually want to do, but jeez, man. It totally shattered my imagery of lolita. What a turn-off...
Now, I'm not saying I don't acknowledge the more mature lolita styles...not that it seems as if many people wear those styles...It's just...if I was going to put in all that effort to wear the more mature lolita styles, I might as well have my inner lolita grow up and become an aristocrat. Would I test this theory and dress lolita? No. No thank you. I plan to have some lolita pieces in the future, but actually be considered a lolita? God, no. Please no. Aristocrat, please.
And no. I have nothing against lolitas. Don't even start.
And this is still a rant. You have been warned.
Never even wore the style and I've grown out of it. There's plenty of reason behind my decision...First, what is it about lolita I found interesting? Hm. The dresses, maybe. The overall silhouette, when it was done right. Never liked most of the poof-poof, though. I always thought a-line dresses to be much more appealing and so much more practical.
What is it I like about the aristocrat style? Everything! Aristocrat...What does the word mean? The word alone makes one thing of elegant, proper and mature adults of the 18th century and whatnot, eh? I know it does to me.
This is a lolita style I can do, and aristocrat, of course | Image from Wikipedia
Elegance...sophisticaiton...maturity...things you don't often see with most lolitas, who try to be "sweet" and "childish". I wouldn't say childish if I hadn't seen it myself, okay? The thought of that annoys me...way too much. Childish...The hell did that come from? When I pictured lolita, I always saw it as doll-like, delicate and elegant, not childish. The heck with the pat-a-cake games and singing ring around the rosies?? Childish! Now, don't mind me if that's what you actually want to do, but jeez, man. It totally shattered my imagery of lolita. What a turn-off...
Now, I'm not saying I don't acknowledge the more mature lolita styles...not that it seems as if many people wear those styles...It's just...if I was going to put in all that effort to wear the more mature lolita styles, I might as well have my inner lolita grow up and become an aristocrat. Would I test this theory and dress lolita? No. No thank you. I plan to have some lolita pieces in the future, but actually be considered a lolita? God, no. Please no. Aristocrat, please.
And no. I have nothing against lolitas. Don't even start.
Repost: my take on the lolita fashion
This is a repost of a rant I made in early 2011 when I was just starting out on Blogger. Accompanied, this time, by my crappy lolita video.
And this is still a rant. You have been warned.
Never even wore the style and I've grown out of it. There's plenty of reason behind my decision...First, what is it about lolita I found interesting? Hm. The dresses, maybe. The overall silhouette, when it was done right. Never liked most of the poof-poof, though. I always thought a-line dresses to be much more appealing and so much more practical.
What is it I like about the aristocrat style? Everything! Aristocrat...What does the word mean? The word alone makes one thing of elegant, proper and mature adults of the 18th century and whatnot, eh? I know it does to me.
Elegance...sophisticaiton...maturity...things you don't often see with most lolitas, who try to be "sweet" and "childish". I wouldn't say childish if I hadn't seen it myself, okay? The thought of that annoys me...way too much. Childish...The hell did that come from? When I pictured lolita, I always saw it as doll-like, delicate and elegant, not childish. The heck with the pat-a-cake games and singing ring around the rosies?? Childish! Now, don't mind me if that's what you actually want to do, but jeez, man. It totally shattered my imagery of lolita. What a turn-off...
Now, I'm not saying I don't acknowledge the more mature lolita styles...not that it seems as if many people wear those styles...It's just...if I was going to put in all that effort to wear the more mature lolita styles, I might as well have my inner lolita grow up and become an aristocrat. Would I test this theory and dress lolita? No. No thank you. I plan to have some lolita pieces in the future, but actually be considered a lolita? God, no. Please no. Aristocrat, please.
And no. I have nothing against lolitas. Don't even start.
And this is still a rant. You have been warned.
Never even wore the style and I've grown out of it. There's plenty of reason behind my decision...First, what is it about lolita I found interesting? Hm. The dresses, maybe. The overall silhouette, when it was done right. Never liked most of the poof-poof, though. I always thought a-line dresses to be much more appealing and so much more practical.
What is it I like about the aristocrat style? Everything! Aristocrat...What does the word mean? The word alone makes one thing of elegant, proper and mature adults of the 18th century and whatnot, eh? I know it does to me.
This is a lolita style I can do, and aristocrat, of course | Image from Wikipedia
Elegance...sophisticaiton...maturity...things you don't often see with most lolitas, who try to be "sweet" and "childish". I wouldn't say childish if I hadn't seen it myself, okay? The thought of that annoys me...way too much. Childish...The hell did that come from? When I pictured lolita, I always saw it as doll-like, delicate and elegant, not childish. The heck with the pat-a-cake games and singing ring around the rosies?? Childish! Now, don't mind me if that's what you actually want to do, but jeez, man. It totally shattered my imagery of lolita. What a turn-off...
Now, I'm not saying I don't acknowledge the more mature lolita styles...not that it seems as if many people wear those styles...It's just...if I was going to put in all that effort to wear the more mature lolita styles, I might as well have my inner lolita grow up and become an aristocrat. Would I test this theory and dress lolita? No. No thank you. I plan to have some lolita pieces in the future, but actually be considered a lolita? God, no. Please no. Aristocrat, please.
And no. I have nothing against lolitas. Don't even start.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Did I change my religion??
...Uh...no...I didn't. I just like crosses.
I try to keep my interests away from my dad. We have never seen eye to eye about anything...except seafood. I definitely got that from him. And god forbid he ever saw my computer wallpapers. Or my coffin. Or my corset purse....or my crosses. But, alas. He saw one by accident while I was waiting for a ride. He saw it, made The Face™, and, well...
*Sigh* And, as many of us do nowadays, I did the stupidest thing I could possibly do. As a way to sigh and just get it over with, I posted this picture on my second Facebook account explaining how I just like symbols and nothing more. Was that really so hard to understand? I did this because I didn't want to bother with explaining it to them when I would be seen wearing my crosses in public. But I received an interesting reply from my...er...stepmother, I suppose you could say...She asked if I had changed my religion. Mind you, she's never talked to me prior to me uploading the picture. So. I replied...no. I just like crosses.
Symbols and shapes have never meant much to me when it comes to what they may represent. I respect them fully and understand what they generally represent, even cry over them when I see them in an emotional situation or time, but my personal take on them has almost always been different. I see most symbols, especially ones that existed hundreds of years ago, as beautiful designs, and I know that may irk many, or just that: a symbol or shape, with no real definition to what it means. It's something that may appear in nature, or something that show in an accidental creation...I can't recall ever seeing a symbol that really meant something to me.
As for actual meanings behind symbols, I try to know them before I wear a symbol so I can at least understand why people would react in negative ways. I don't want to be ignorant. I've designed my own symbols for as long as I can remember, and even created the Project DV symbol by complete mistake while doodling. Perhaps that is why I simply see most symbols as designs.
Some of my favorite symbols/shapes are the cross (all variations, sans the crucifixion), swastika (all variations), pentagram (all variations), spade, question mark, coffin, and music notes. Why? I think they're amazing designs.
So did I change my religion just because I wear a cross, which to most, represents Christianity...?
No.
I just like symbols. Nothing else, and nothing more.
ON ANOTHER NOTE! I reached 31 followers!! Wow! Thank you so much everyone! ;D
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| Currently the two I have |
*Sigh* And, as many of us do nowadays, I did the stupidest thing I could possibly do. As a way to sigh and just get it over with, I posted this picture on my second Facebook account explaining how I just like symbols and nothing more. Was that really so hard to understand? I did this because I didn't want to bother with explaining it to them when I would be seen wearing my crosses in public. But I received an interesting reply from my...er...stepmother, I suppose you could say...She asked if I had changed my religion. Mind you, she's never talked to me prior to me uploading the picture. So. I replied...no. I just like crosses.
Symbols and shapes have never meant much to me when it comes to what they may represent. I respect them fully and understand what they generally represent, even cry over them when I see them in an emotional situation or time, but my personal take on them has almost always been different. I see most symbols, especially ones that existed hundreds of years ago, as beautiful designs, and I know that may irk many, or just that: a symbol or shape, with no real definition to what it means. It's something that may appear in nature, or something that show in an accidental creation...I can't recall ever seeing a symbol that really meant something to me.
As for actual meanings behind symbols, I try to know them before I wear a symbol so I can at least understand why people would react in negative ways. I don't want to be ignorant. I've designed my own symbols for as long as I can remember, and even created the Project DV symbol by complete mistake while doodling. Perhaps that is why I simply see most symbols as designs.
Some of my favorite symbols/shapes are the cross (all variations, sans the crucifixion), swastika (all variations), pentagram (all variations), spade, question mark, coffin, and music notes. Why? I think they're amazing designs.
So did I change my religion just because I wear a cross, which to most, represents Christianity...?
No.
I just like symbols. Nothing else, and nothing more.
ON ANOTHER NOTE! I reached 31 followers!! Wow! Thank you so much everyone! ;D
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
[Dark] Sunshine Award
I'm kind of stupefied...I was nominated for the [Dark] Sunshine Award by SaryWalrus! Thank you very much!
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Rules for the [Dark] Sunshine Award
Questions:
Nominees:
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Rules for the [Dark] Sunshine Award
- Post the award picture with a backlink to the person who nominated you.
- Answer the ten questions posed to you.
- Pass on the award to 10 or more bloggers.
Questions:
- Favorite color: Black, emerald green, amethyst violet, sanguine red, sapphire blue and pumpkin orange...with a dash of white. Yes. I am very particular. :p
- Favorite animal: capuchin monkeys, monkeys in general (I have three stuffed capuchin monkeys).
- Favorite number: Six and nine. Interesting for a few reasons, the position (69), September (the ninth month) is the month I was born, and in the 90s, and that 999 is 666 upside-down.
- Favorite non-alcoholic drink: Apple juice, root beer, birch beer...and VANILLA MILKSHAKESSS.
- Facebook or Twitter: Facebook, though I don't like it.
- My passion: art and music.
- Getting or giving presents: Getting!
- Favorite pattern: Stripes and swirls.
- Favorite day of the week: Eh...I guess Saturday, because of the good ol' sake of Saturday mornings...
- Favorite flower: Bleeding hearts. I wish they came in black...or plum, at least...
Nominees:
- Tenebris In Lux at Never-Ending: Playlist of a Psycho
- VictorianKitty at Sophistic Noir
- Aristocratic Elegance
- The Halloween Ladybug
- Amy at Stripy Tights and Dark Delights
- Lynoire at Milking the Rolling Cow
- Mary Rose at The Everyday Goth
- Dismantlynn at Color Me Goth
- Electrobat at Dark Entries
- Audronasha the Countess at Gothically yours...
Also, a little random something I noticed while answering these questions...I haven't actually talk about much related to my personal life in a while! With all that's going on, I guess that's...somewhat okay, but it's bothering me. I hope to make some personal posts, at least two, before the week ends!
Thanks again, Sary!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Q&A list
First to-do on the videos I plan to upload this week.
This is just a little list for me to keep track of the questions I receive. I only have one so far! Feed me more!
- What do you want to do once you get into a four year college? — asked by Dismantlynn
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Spring break Q&A
So spring break is coming up for my school next week and I've decided to do something really nice during that time. I plan to announce this as a video, too, when I get the chance, but here's the gist of it: it's Q&A time! Send me messages via YouTube, Blogger, or LiveJournal, and maybe some other places once I get those accounts stable...Ask any question, ask away~! All stupid questions will be ignored, but ask them anyway, if you dare. Maybe they'll be amusing enough for me to mention...
During this weeklong break, I plan on updating some fanfiction as well. It's been a while since I've updated one in particular...and it's my most popular!
I plan on making and uploading at least two videos during the breaks as well, if I can get my mom out of the room, somehow. One about how I discovered the lolita/aristocrat fashions and my reaction to Juggalos.
CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP
SWING! SWING! SWING! SWING!
And maybe some other things.
Also, I revamped my LiveJournal account; it's pretty much a LJ version of this blog for those who frequent LJ more than Blogger. Enjoy, and thank you all for being so patient!
During this weeklong break, I plan on updating some fanfiction as well. It's been a while since I've updated one in particular...and it's my most popular!
I plan on making and uploading at least two videos during the breaks as well, if I can get my mom out of the room, somehow. One about how I discovered the lolita/aristocrat fashions and my reaction to Juggalos.
CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP
SWING! SWING! SWING! SWING!
And maybe some other things.
Also, I revamped my LiveJournal account; it's pretty much a LJ version of this blog for those who frequent LJ more than Blogger. Enjoy, and thank you all for being so patient!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Random video...
Here's that video I talked about before...Now I have to go do my homework before I regret it...
Saturday, March 3, 2012
My Life Project!
In-between the weekly chaos at school (and believe me, it's chaos; it's like being in high school...and I've never BEEN to high school!!)...I've managed to work quite extensively on the project that my entire life revolves around. Yes...I do intend to do everything necessary to protect it, but at the very moment, I'm not too worried about that. I have all of the paperwork (emphasis on PAPERWORK) of its development from day one, so for someone to try to steal the ideas from me —HAHAHA!— they'd find their ass losing badly in court. Nonetheless, I'd appreciate it if no one be dumb enough to try such an endeavor.
Project DV is a project I started about...four years ago. It seems like it's been so much longer than that since, like I said, my very life revolves around it. In 2006, I (with my aliases) created an old group on deviantART that was supposed to be a lovely place for art related to Halloween and all other wonderfully dark-related things. Since then, it's been more of a personal project that I'm trying to make public...in veeery teeny tiny baby steps. It's just so hard to get people in my community interested...
Now, in 2012, though the Project is on hiatus since I've started school, I've been working on the wikis (via Wikia and Wikispaces) and...well, just trying to get people interested in it since there's not much else I can do right now. Not to mention...um...well...the biggest problem is that...amiss all of the wonderful things I plan to do with PDV...I uh...simply don't have anything to show for it. I've got divisions and sub-projects after sub-projects, yes...but none of them are complete. So I just want people to get interested in it.
Read more on the wikis...even though they don't have a lot of info...please? I plan to make a Facebook page for it...eventually...
Also, I'm currently editing the new video I have ready. This one is really general; just three new things I've bought. You'll also get to see how crazy I can be. Note: I have had two Dairy Queen Blizzards in medium and small. So much sugar should NEVER be in my system...
Project DV is a project I started about...four years ago. It seems like it's been so much longer than that since, like I said, my very life revolves around it. In 2006, I (with my aliases) created an old group on deviantART that was supposed to be a lovely place for art related to Halloween and all other wonderfully dark-related things. Since then, it's been more of a personal project that I'm trying to make public...in veeery teeny tiny baby steps. It's just so hard to get people in my community interested...
Now, in 2012, though the Project is on hiatus since I've started school, I've been working on the wikis (via Wikia and Wikispaces) and...well, just trying to get people interested in it since there's not much else I can do right now. Not to mention...um...well...the biggest problem is that...amiss all of the wonderful things I plan to do with PDV...I uh...simply don't have anything to show for it. I've got divisions and sub-projects after sub-projects, yes...but none of them are complete. So I just want people to get interested in it.
Read more on the wikis...even though they don't have a lot of info...please? I plan to make a Facebook page for it...eventually...
Also, I'm currently editing the new video I have ready. This one is really general; just three new things I've bought. You'll also get to see how crazy I can be. Note: I have had two Dairy Queen Blizzards in medium and small. So much sugar should NEVER be in my system...
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