That's it

I'm outta here. This blog is going to be shut down.

BUT HOOOLD UP, people.

There's a reason...

First and foremost, from what I gather about the way to make a good blog, I don't...eh...I don't have a good blog. Not just because I don't post very often...I just...don't.

Let's be honest, here.

I complain a lot. I...am not the type of person who will do blog roundups, and favorite posts from other blogs and what have you, or offer challenges...or things like that. I don't have the means to. Maybe in the (far) future.

Also, I'm not in any stable mental condition to make good blog entries. It's come to a point now that I've realized I would much rather die in any given second than deal with the possibility of having all that I would like to have (or a lot of it) in the near or distant future. I don't care. I don't.

Third, living hurts. It takes every ounce of energy to get out of bed, every day. I dread tomorrow. I dread the weekends, especially, because I work on the weekends. I mean it when I say dread. I have anxiety attacks, racing against time to get something done or have something worth looking forward to on Monday, cry and moan when I can do nothing but sit at home, look at the clock and shake with that building horror swelling in my chest. I wish I could explain it better...

True DREAD.

I'm not just spitting words, here.

Yes. I have medication. It even increased just recently. And it isn't working.

As for my therapist, let's just say I'm sick of her and hope to get someone else.
...Not that I really care...

Yesterday, I spent a good fifteen to thirty minutes looking from a sharp edge to my left, my medication in front of me, and the blank wall to my right. What was I going to do to get rid of myself? What was I going to do to end this torture I do to myself? What was the quickest way Out? Cut, overdose, or just bang my head against the wall until I give myself a concussion or something?

Lastly...I don't like this blog, even to look at. My old entries...disgust me.

I'm not that person, anymore...

Hell, I don't know who I am...

So...I'm going to delete this blog. Copy the old entries, I guess...and then delete it.

So if anyone still wants to deal with lil' ol' pathetic Mae, though I can't fathom why you would, you're welcome to trod over to my new blog, where I currently just plan to...do...something...

I'll give it a week.

...Saia.