Ponderings, ramblings, and prepping for 2025

Yes, this is a generated image

'Lo, ev'ryone. Now that it's come to this, I guess this is just how it's gonna be...

I no longer use Wix. It's a personal reason but also a moral reason if you know what I mean. Anyway, I won't have all of the really fucking pretty things I had that came with it such as a newsletter, a "professional" blog, a member section, and other things that all came together in a nice little package. I'll have to make my new site from scratch—literally—unless I stick with some shit like Google Sites...which is what I have now. But I don't plan on keeping it that way.

I'd love to commission someone, but fuck if money isn't a huge problem right now.

This means, of course, that I'll have to keep people interested in...me?...somehow. Except, what is there to keep people interested? I literally do nothing. I can't do anything. I just...can't fucking do anything. I am useless.

I've come to...a painfully low point in my life. No one seems to understand just how low I am. How close I am.

I digress...

I will be using this as both my personal and my new "official" blog, damn the old entries from 2011+. I'm fucking human, and I want people to see that. I literally have nothing to hide. It goes "well" with me using Google to host my site, I suppose.

...for now.

Whatever...

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How 2025 looks so far...

Lots of streaming, hopefully. Interacting online in servers and joining some online communities like Reddit and etc, working on my wiki, focusing on some minor coding; all that jazzy fuck shit. 

Absolutely zero writing. None whatsoever. I give up on trying to entertain...myself and others. I'm a shitty, pathetic storyteller.

But a storyteller nonetheless. Not that it means anything, apparently...

I'm not even going to attempt to consider playing games. I can barely stream as it is. And there aren't any games that I love that I can actually play, anyway—at least newer ones. Old ones, from like the 1990s, sure, but no one wants to see that shit. Let alone from me. I'm not a gamer anyway, not anymore, dammit.

Be it I also don't have a camera, at least not yet, I won't be able to VTube either since I don't want to show my fucking fatass face. I would be able to VTube in January if my fucking PC wasn't a potato...

An 8-bit potato, yes...but a potato nonetheless.

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As 2024 E.N.Ds, Pt. 1...

"Part 1" because this probably won't be my last entry for 2024...

1. In need of urgent support

I have a Ko-fi and Throne up, like a "real" streamer (as if?). I guess that's supposed to be a good thing, but I just feel shitty about it considering what I went through about six months ago. Just pure shit. Ripe shite. Why yes, I am sorry.

But it's true. I need help again. So much help. I appreciate anything you can give; reposts, mentions, donations...Everything helps.

2. My writing sucks so fuck it, I guess

I'm putting writing on hold, as I mentioned a bit above, for the foreseeable future. I'll probably just try to worldbuild until my eyes bleed tears of sadness (well more sadness) since I plan to stop writing fiction.

...Fuck, I hate this plan.

We'll see how it works two fucking weeks from now...puh.

3. Still doing test streams

I did another test stream three days ago. They're going...well. I guess. This 8-bit potato can only but so much but...at least I can stream, dammit. 

I plan to do another probably before Christmas hits.

And for the record, I probably won't be putting my videos on demand on Twitch. I plan to put the archive on YouTube along with more vids once I get around to fucking making them...with my fatass face...

4. Happy fucking holidays

Christmas is next week. I literally know nothing about the other holidays around this time and no, I won't look it up at the moment. So, happy holidays. I guess. 

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Take care of yourself, ev'ryone. I hope...at least some things are going better for you than they are for me.

Please, please take care of yourself as much as y'all can.

It fucking sucks out here...

Very late 2024, very early 2025 news

'Lo, ev'ryone. Please, please read—well, if you care about my stories in any capacity, that is...

Before I get into it...

Hi, I'm a depressed transmasculine (he/him) wannabe storyteller who uses writing as his medium and am a worldbuilder and writer of over 20 years. I have finished five stories (2 "main", 3 that are parts of larger series) since November 2017.

Despite all of my experience, I suck at writing.

I also suffer greatly from mental illness and disability in the form of severe MDD (going on 17 years diagnosed, baybeee), suicidal ideation, and anxiety on top of some hallucinations...

Life is great. 🙃

Now, to the news...

I was recently hit with the personally devastating info that my dream indie company, Candelabræm Books will...not be coming into being. It CAN'T come into being. The assessment came from a professional in the indie author field I am fortunate to know. 

This is on top of a lot of fuck shit going on "IRL" as the kids say today...

Being told this about Candelabrem...broke my heart. I laughed it off too fucking easily, and it's only really hitting me now. I've been dreaming of my own company for over fifteen years. I was fucking 13. I'm 32 now, goddamn it all.

Look, I...really thought 2025 or at least 2026 would be the year everything came to fruition, but...no. It legitimately won't be happening. In fact, it may never happen at all. Thus, as a bit fat "fuck you" to me and to thank my few followers who also had hopes for me in the only way I can think of...

🍂 Starting today, I will get rid of all my tiers. Everywhere. No more subscriptions. Possibly forever and never again. It's ultimately pointless.

🍂 This does mean all 13 chapters of HUMAN, the only story I had under a tier, are free to read for guests and followers alike (once Inkitt stops freezing every 5 seconds, I will reupload). 

🍂 I will also upload HUMAN onto AO3...at last...

🍂 Inkitt will "soon" see my longest novel at some 150k words, the dark high fantasy inspired by wuxia and shenmo, GOD NOISE. I hope.

🍂 I'm leaving Ream and I'm taking INHUMAN with me. Inkitt kills my motivation enough as it is...

🍂 I will re-upload GOD NOISE (and its series) on Royal Road. Eventually.

🍂 I might re-upload all of The Little Gods series onto Tapas since why the fuck not.

To conclude...

Yes. I am VERY sad and painfully fucking bitter. My long-lived dream is gone—or seems so, legitimately. There's so much going on offline on top of this, I...I don't even know what to do with myself. I can't fucking think.

I just can't believe I was so stupid, so delusional, to think such a huge aspiration would come true for an idiot like me, now that I think about it.

It's a real shot to the head.

Instead, I can only hope I might get some tips now and then... *Glances at tip jar* I'm a starving writer, so...anything helps. Especially since being an iNdIe AuThOr isn't happening anytime in my near future... 🤪

...In the meantime, I'm halting HUMAN's updates since I'm coming close to the last chapters I've done for now...because I realized I left out a chapter entirely...'cause I'm stupid...and no one seems interested in it anyway...

I'm tired, man. I'm just...so tired...

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Links

My story links (Inkitt will have ALL of my stories; INHUMAN and HUMAN are available now):

🍂 https://www.inkitt.com/marqaroll

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All my links:

🍂 https://info.marqaroll.com/#links

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Ways to support (if you can):

🍂 https://ko-fi.com/marqaroll

🍂 https://paypal.me/WeavingWords (I still don't know why the damn button says "Pay"...)

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Hope your Turkey Day and Black Friday were better than mine. If not, know I deeply empathize. I really, truly do... 🫂

I am... | An Open Letter

'Lo, ev'ryone. This is an open letter-slash-rant-slash-vent to my family and anyone else who needs to know. I don't know when they'll read it, if at all. I'm also making this my official social "out" post? Or something. I watched an...amazing video by Jessie Gender. It's painful. It inspired me to make this post and stop giving a damn.

You should watch it, too, no matter if you are Left or Right or Whateverthefuckery. 

To start

I don't really remember when. I was very young. I just remember having an "alter ego" named Elian—specifically, Elian Hollow. He was originally known as, in my Halloween-obsessed ways, Child of Halloween, or ChoH. I remember describing him as "everything I wanted to be". Tall(er). At the time, I suffered from really bad internalized racism, so I said he was white. But, more than anything...he was...he. 

I spoke to Elian. I gave him accounts online, some of which I still have, email addresses, and even wrote letters to him that I would write back as him. I lived in a sort of mental split as if I were two people, two genders, in one body. 

At the time, which was around 2006 - 2008, I was...struggling. I'd even call it suffering. I was at the (first) lowest of my existence (I'm currently at my second which has lasted faaar too long) and was probably going through the last remnants of puberty. I was...severely suicidal. Sometimes I couldn't even lift my head from how extremely depressed I was, and I hated. I hated...everything and everyone—especially "God". 

But maybe that's a story for another time...

My epiphany

I've had therapists for most of my life. I was in my late twenties when one of them listened carefully to what I explained about Elian. She finally said, and I paraphrase, "It sounds like you may be transgender." 

Mind you, I have been told before that, from other peoples' points of view, I could be transgender. I think in 2012 someone mentioned it in a comment. Because of the internal duality I had for the longest time, I identified as genderqueer for several years and went by they/them. 

But this time, in 2019, I remember exactly where I was when I realized how right that was. Maybe it was because I was more knowledgeable about what being transgender was at the time compared to 2012. In any case, I knew it was true. 

My history, my desires, my discomfort with my body...

It was a huge epiphany, let me tell you. And it was such a weight lifted from my shoulders.

My letter

Dear person reading this letter...

My name is Mar Qaroll. I am less than a week away from my 32nd birthday and I am a panromantic asexual transgender man.

To Mom

Mom, this is something I've wanted to tell you for a while now. I think I vaguely remember telling you that I was pansexual once, but in any case, ta-da! You officially have three boys. Part of me really is sorry, as I know having a daughter means...a lot to you. I kinda feel like I let you down...though I don't know why. But I love you so much, and I hope you can accept me as a man.

By the way, Ibrahim has known for a few years now...I came out to him first. He took it easily...but I don't really know how he truly feels about it.

I don't know what else to say other than...I'm sorry, but this is who I am. 

To Dad

Yeah, so. This happened. I imagine, I hope, you understand why it took me so long to get a letter of any sort to you. I understand if you're angry, disappointed...all of that. You'll probably mourn, more than you probably do already because I'm not a Muslim. Well, believe me, this is just the tip of the iceberg. There's one more thing I haven't told you...and I'm not ready to tell you or Mom or Ibrahim about that, yet.

In any case...yeah. You have another son.

I know...you may/might/maybe never feel/felt like your two biological female children are...disappointments or something. We both denounced Islam, we both have mental illnesses, and we're...not who you probably thought we'd end up being at this time in our lives. Regardless of what's the truth, this is something I've thought about since I was very young...and I'm sorry.

But this is who I am. 

To conclude...

In the past few years, maybe two or less, I've tried to come to grips with who I am as an individual, as a flawed, disgusting human being. What does it mean to be Mar? Is it to wonder, to think, to be an individual, to be a storyteller, and to deviate from the norms of society...plus a slew of other things? Beats me. I'm still learning to accept myself...and believe me, it's been metaphorical hell. I've gone through and still go through severe self-hatred and disgust, even more so now that I've gained weight and even found out I'm obese for my body type...and since I'm not Muslim anymore...

But what is the point of being alive otherwise? For me? What am I supposed to do? Put my faith in a being that doesn't even seem to care about me in "his own teachings/words" yet supposedly made me who I am at the same time? I demonize and hate and loathe and am disgusted with myself when I never asked to be this way. 

I never asked to be here, let alone in this body, with this mind, with these thoughts, with these beliefs, and with this fucking curse called free will.

I've gone more than half my life severely depressed. Mentally ill. And you know what? I blame it on me, most of the time. For not being strong enough. For not being devout or whatever the fuck-enough. For being weak, emotionally and mentally. For being selfish.

You don't know how hard I tried.

I will never....ever forget the day I stood in the Masjid alone, crying my fucking eyes out while praying, begging for help over a decade ago because I hated myself so painfully. I know how cliche that sounds, that someone who was struggling called to "god" for help and never got an answer left their old faith. But as someone who really went through that...I needed something. I needed a fucking miracle. I needed a fucking sign.

All I got was more self-hatred and fucking awful, mocking silence.

I never talked to anyone but my therapists about how I, during my time traveling to and from school and home, would stand at train stations waiting for the train to come and wondering if I should jump onto the tracks. I never talked about how I would see a car coming speeding and I wanted to jump in front of it. I never talked about considering taking my pills and overdosing in the bathtub for everyone to see. What, you thought I have a nurse and lockbox for my pills for nothing?

Now, you may be thinking..."You didn't ___ because of ___."

And you'd be right.

And also terribly wrong.

I didn't jump, let's say, not because I wanted to live, or because I feared pain, or whatever. 

I didn't jump because...what if?

What if everything I was taught to believe is real...is real?

If there's one thing I'm afraid of, more than another man attacking me, more of being eaten alive, more than dying painfully, more than being raped, more than spiders, more than the Unknown, more than being severely ill or injured...it's going to fucking Hell.

I know, Dad. Thank you so much for reminding me so kindly every other time I see you. I KNOW I'm going to Hell, thank you very fucking much. Don't you think I know that? Was I not partially raised by you?

But what I don't want is a one-way, inevitable ticket there, either. Supposedly, I still have "a life" ahead of me, whatever the fuck that means, so, y'know, what if? I'm terrified of the thought of even returning to Islam. There's this thing, you know, called religious trauma. Hoo, do I suffer from it. Google it, it's fun.

But...what if???

We as human beings, fickle fucking fleshsuits we are, do not definitively know in the modern day if God, or a god or gods or whatever really exists. We don't, and that's just the truth. There are no longer any true, definitive miracles anymore, not like there used to be in ye olde tales. And that's a goddamned shame. It'd really solve all of our problems if a definitive miracle happened in the Year o' Our Lawd 2024 by something that told us we're all wrong somehow...y'know, before the "Day of Judgement" when people like me, people who just want to fucking be left alone and have some semblance of normalcy and "life", will supposedly and inevitably, absolutely, irrevocably go to eternal damnation?

What a joke.

This has gotten pretty dark and venomous, but I'm...so...so tired. I just want to die, quite frankly. But not if Heaven OR Hell really exist.

I am a bitter, bitter...BITTER, sad little transman. I acknowledge that. I'm...trying to work on it, but you really don't know the meaning of how hard it is to find anything about all this shit that is Me to like, let alone "love". Disgusting. Me, loving Me?? This thing? 

What a joke.

Hence, I am still here.

Suffering.

Hating.

Existing.

Loathing.

And a bitter, bitter...BITTER, sad little transman.

At the end of all this, I'm tired, okay? I've dealt with this for too long to be defensive, to be awkward, to even give a goddamn. All I'll say is: if you have a problem with who I am, do-fucking-NOT come to me to talk about this shit. 

Take it up with your god. 

PS: I considered writing this in my Blackboxx Texts, but ultimately decided against it since it's...well, I dunno. Also, if this is your first post you've seen by me, hiiiii! 👋🏾

Thank you all!!!

My GoFundMe goal was met as of Friday!! Holy crap...I'm just in awe. Thank you all so much!!! 🙏🏾🥺 Starting next month, I may actually be able to do things and live a little. I'm so so thankful to everyone who shared, donated, and gave good wishes! 😭

Again, I don't know when I'll be ready to work on a schedule for my Ream, but I'll start making one for July, at the very least. 

Sincere apologies

'Lo, ev'ryone. It's been a while, and I'm...so disappointed in myself. I already posted my apology on Ream, where it matters most, but I'll post/modify it here as well:

I've been absent online for about two months (or more) now. My mental health hasn't been great, and I'm struggling financially. I've spoken about these things on one of my Discord servers, and everyone is so understanding. I am sincerely thankful, and I apologize for not updating everyone else until now.

I overestimated myself. I thought I'd be able to do schedules for my work like a "real" online content creator/person, but I clearly cannot handle the pressure that comes with it. I blame no one but myself.

As of today, I've taken down the membership options on Ream, as I don't know why I kept them up for so long to begin with. That feels kinda shitty on my part.

I'm also going to try to open up a bit more about things going on through my personal blog, Blacked-Out Record. I was once good at being a blogger. I'd like to do that again, if for no other reason but for transparency which means a LOT to me. I don't know when I'll be able to start, and I won't give myself a date to start, but I hope to start this month.

Furthermore, I cannot and I mean I cannot thank those who have given donations through my GoFundMe for rent insecurity enough. You are all awesome, and as of two days ago, I am $5 from 1/2 to my goal of $710. I am so, so grateful to you all. This makes me feel all the more shitty that I've only come out of my depressive state to ask for donations without explaining everything first. Regardless, you are all amazing human beings.

As of today, June 13th, I really don't know what I'm going to do with my work online. I've been working on both God Noise and Human simultaneously—more God Noise than anything—and I can't even consider working on Lay No Evil right now. I'm mentally shot in many ways, but I feel like I could do better. I feel like I should do better.

In the meantime...again, thank you for your patience and understanding. I hope it gets better for all of us, eventually...

So, that's what's been going on. A whole lot of...nothing, in many ways. Nothing as in...I've not been productive at all, sorta just...surviving. Nothing worked out as far as my plans for these past three months...

I'll try to update more on what's been happening in my life here. Remember, The Blacked-Out Chronicle is for "professional" entries and this blog is for personal entries. 

I'll do my best.

Story schedule: April - June '24

‘Lo, ev’ryone! April starts tomorrow and I have some intentions to make for it, May, and June. These are only intentions, nothing set in stone, unfortunately. When July comes around, I’ll do the same thing, methinks…

So! Here are my plans for the next three months as far as what I’ll work on…

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April

Starting tomorrow, I will work on finishing Human and worldbuild for my new erotic romance, When the Moon Shines Red! I am so excited about this possible novella! 😍 I’ve hyped myself up quite a bit, so I hope to get many more than just 5k words done, as is my word goal!

Human only needs a very few chapters written before it is 100% finished SO WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING SO LONG TO FINISH THEM? I wish I knew. 😵 I feel painfully inept when it comes to struggles like this. It happens all the time… 😞

May

Because I’ve been putting it off for almost half a year or…a little less…I plan to start God Noise, my beloved Bleach-inspired dark fantasy novel, AGAIN. I shit you not, this is like the 19th time working on it…but I took a nice long break. It should help, I hope.

I’m considering worldbuilding on something in the meantime during May as well, in case I need something to work on when my mind farts with GoNo. I’ll get back to that some other time…

June

Finally, in June, it is time to return to the world of Holy Earth and the Uroboros series with the prequel dark erotic romance novella, Lay No Evil! I got quite far in this the first time around. It shouldn’t be…too difficult…to finish…I hope.

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The next upcoming weeks look rather exciting, creatively. I plan to take a bit of a break with uploading Human on Ream during this time and instead focus on making previews for and talking about these new works and finishing said novel. It’s gonna be some while to wait, but I truly, sincerely will keep everyone updated.

Also, I will try to keep my social media presence slightly active as things develop. I’ll have things to post, I suppose? I hope? We’ll see...

I joined Pen Pinery! | General update

With all that's going on with NaNoWriMo as well as my own life, I want to go back to blogging as I once did...

For starters, I am trying (emphasis on trying) to finish the second novel in my Human Shed Skin series of paranormal/paranormal romance stories, Human. In case anyone is interested, the story takes place five years after book one, Inhuman, and is an adult paranormal story with an m/hm (male/hermaphrodite man) pairing. Monster hunters, tentacled beings, terato...all that jazz. 😉😛😈

I plan to list where you can read both Inhuman and Human online! I'm still working on Human, so. Yeah, that's taking forever. I highly recommend following me on my Ream (a Patreon-like site for authors!). Memberships are coming...eventually...but not now. 🙁 I feel I don't have enough content—or content coming out frequently enough—to really warrant having a membership set up...

I suppose that's that as far as updatey-things!

In other news...

I suppose I won't be working on NaNoWriMo through NaNoWriMo's site anymore. I'll still do the National Novel Writing Month challenge, but...now that I've found Pen Pinery, I'm satisfied enough to not need to rely on the NaNo site anymore. 

...Fucking shame...the whole thing...

My own life's been shitty as fuck but not the worst overall. It just feels penultimately shitty...and I feel I could, and should, be doing better. If only I could reach into myself and do it, dammit... 😥

I'm also actively trying to get my site's domain again! It is up and active, but it is under the Wixsite domain. 🙁 Hopefully not for much longer, but my budget isn't doing too well. Hasn't ben doing well for months...

Another thing. I need to figure out just what the hell I'll be doing as far as entries on my "professional" blog. I'm no professional nor do I have any advice to give. The only thing I can do are updates, I guess...?

We'll see what happens. 🤷🏾‍♂️

2024

So, 2024 is here, at fucking last. 

I'm not at all looking forward to most of this...

What's happening for 2024? The best thing, I suppose, is that this is the year I plan to work on Candelabræm Books again! I wasn't able to launch it due to...well, rushing all the planning and whatnot. 

Putting this back up, yeah. 😀

I am happy to talk about this again. It means so much to me... 🥰 In any case, that is the reason I am working on my internet...uh. Things? Again. For the umpteenth time. Such internet...things?...include:

• Bluesky
• Twitter
• My blog
• My rant blog
• Tumblr
• CharacterHub
• Substack

...etc. The only thing I can't really promise is using Tumblr. 😕 I don't know how to use that damn site. 

So far, I think I can work on the...Twitter-wannabes and etc sites. CharacterHub, I need to go back to it. I haven't been there in a while, maybe a week or two? Substack...yeah, I need to work on that. It's kind of...full of blog stuff instead of newsletter stuff. Yeeaaaaah...

I can't type well right now because I'm listening to something while working on this, but, eh. Fun stuff I'm listening to...

Actually...

That reminds me of my last entry. 😃 

Blackboxx Texts '24+

Ahh, I have so many new entries I can work on for 2024 in the BBTxx. 😈 Heh. Especially with things that have been happening lately. Not just with others, but with me. Like the whole pedophile thing. 🙄 It's nothing that keeps me up at night, but definitely something I need to mention at least once. 

That's why the BBTxx exists, you see. It's an "at least once" type thing. Once I mention it, unless it comes up in a different way or circumstance, I try very hard not to mention it again. That's just me, though. 

While I listen to this story on YouTube, it just gives me more of an incentive to work harder on BBTxx. I love...just love...love BBTxx. 🥰 Fortunately, there's no one I will be posting about this time; that last entry was...a...moment. I cannot stand stupidity. That was such an incident, and the reason why I went in so hard is because there is a conversation there...except. It was such an absurd fuckin' argument... 🙄

...there's so much hypocrisy in our society, I fuckin' swear...

Aaaanyway.

There's a part of me that is 10000% sure I'll never be an author. Well, technically I am an author...but that's...eh. Questionable...*looks at my writing*...yeah. 😬 😭

...Since this seems to be going nowhere... 😅 

...I'm just going to end here. 🙍🏾‍♂️