This is an extremely personal post, inspired by a post I read by VelvetBat. It gave me the courage to just...let it out. I'm somewhat tired of not telling anyone, so I'll tell you guys instead. I've wanted to talk about this for a very long while...Both are related to identity, one in a way related to my gender, the other in some ways related to that as well, but by way of my mindset, I suppose...
Since I was young, through ages nine and eleven, I had this interesting, slightly disturbing and strange fascination with alter egos and personality disorders. For a while there, I wanted one and/or thought I had one. I got one right. I do indeed have an alter ego, but not a personality disorder, for which I am thankful for...but at the same time, still morbidly curious as to what it might be like. I never meant this in a joking sort of way. Ever. I was quite serious about it...and still am.
There have been many instances in my life in which I wondered what it was like or wished to be male. I've never looked it up, but I have felt both comfortable and uncomfortable in my own skin, sometimes simultaneously. I'm not quite sure how to explain it. Since I was young, I was more of a tomboy than a girly girl; climbing trees, beating up my older brother, and always ready for a conflict, even with other boys when I shouldn't have been. I've always hated the sound of my voice. For the longest time I would pick up the phone and people would think I was my brother, and that went out for a while, even after he hit puberty. That somewhat thrilled me. I've though myself to have a deep voice, wanted a deep voice, and still do. I wish I a gravelly, androgynous voice in which you couldn't tell I was male or female. I love androgyny with a passion.
There are also things that I like that confuse me. I wouldn't mind have a flat chest at all and want to bind, though I'm drawn to other women's chests, especially if they have particularly large busts. That may or may not have something to do with my round, bouncy fetish...And at the same time, I know for certain that I'm heterosexual. Oh, I'm flaming straight, if you want to say. When I was little, you could say I had a sort of penis envy, though not with the following Electra complex. I just wanted one. For whatever reasons, even I don't know. Then, of course, are the other things that I've noticed about myself. I know for a fact that if, hypothetically, I were to suddenly become a male, I would still be attracted to men, not women. I don't understand how this works...
As for my alter ego...
I don't know when exactly I created an alter ego for myself or exactly why I did it, but I did. My alter ego is a male nicknamed Eve. Over the years, I've had difficulty determining just what exact gender he is...but he looks male on the outside, at least. Inside, however...I'm not sure to this day.
I took Eve's creation to such great lengths. I gave him a birth date, email address, act as him while online, want him to be treated as if he were a real person (because in some way, he really is), and when in certain moods and mindsets, I call it "being Eve". I even have conversations with him via instant messaging, going back and forth between two clients, and have sent letters to him...to myself.
This means I've wished to be able to dress as a male, and for a very long time. But this greatly conflicts with my religion, as men aren't supposed to dress as women and vice versa. However, I really, really wish there was some way I could pass for male. I wish to be a cross-dresser.Yet I'm so very confused with who I am and with my religion...
I've never told anyone about this, not even my brother, who I've almost literally told everything to. I don't know how this is going to sound. I don't even know how it sounds to myself...
I want to cross dress.
I wish I were male.
Women's bodies fascinate me.
But I'm attracted to men.
I don't like being a woman.
I hate having a vagina and especially my menstrual cycle.
But I love the idea of inserting a penis in a vagina.
And I like both femininity and masculinity; both masculine traits and feminine traits.
...
I'm a so very messed up individual. I'm uncomfortable and confused with my mind...
Do you not like being a biological woman, or do you not like the societal things that go along with "womanness?" My mother used to tell me all the time that she grew up wishing she was a boy, but it was mostly because boys were "allowed" to do different (and apparently, more fun) things than girls. I never had that desire to be male, but I also was allowed to do whatever I found interesting. I never felt compelled to do "girl" things just because "it's what girls DO." That was a convoluted sentence. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what Islam has to say about hormonal birth control, but if it's not taboo, menstrual cycles are totally optional. Just skip the placebo pills.
feeling this way is understandable. In our society men and women are expected to wear, say, and do certain things. Society deems what is considered masculine and feminine and in reality there really should not be these divides. Wanting to cross dress is not crazy especially if you are kept from that option. i am fascinated by woman's bodies too. Being demisexual it is practically impossible for me to check a guy out but with women I like to check them out even though I am heteromantic. I have never wanted to be a man but there have been times where I did not want to be a woman, if that makes sense. Those times were mostly due to how society creates situations and a subconcious beliefs that being a woman is well less. Not exactly sure what that less is of but it's less of something.
ReplyDeleteYou having an alter ego sounds interesting. Being eve must be exciting. Do you feel more comfortable being Eve or Being you or are there certain situations where being you or Eve is more comfortable? Does Eve have the same religon as you? Do you and Eve have similar traits?
I've also been interested in/attracted to androgyny for a long time, although I've never exactly wanted to be male. I like the idea of being neither here nor there, inbetween. And sometimes the male aesthetic is just more appealing.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't worry about wanting to be male but still being attracted to men, I've heard of other people being in similar situations. Sorting everything out is always difficult though. People are complicated beings, and although organizing society into 'men's roles' and 'women's roles' was probably meant well at the beginning, it has caused a lot of confusion in the modern world. Who you are is who you are, and that goes beyond strictly male or female, I think.
I don't really have any helpful suggestions, but I hope you will find a way to experiment somehow in the future, without compromising your beliefs.
Firstly, you're not alone in anything you have said here. No matter how weird your behaviour or wishes seem to you, there's always someone else.
ReplyDeleteGoing by your post, it sounds as though there's a chance you are transgendered or genderqueer. If this is the case, don't worry. It's a perfectly legitimate thing. It's recognised by the medical community, and it's far more than just crossdressing. I'd also personally say that it is about as good a reason as you could have to go against your religion, but I appreciate that, as a lifelong atheist who's never had to follow religious rules, that isn't really for me say.
(Also, plenty of transgendered people are gay. You can be both a transman and attracted to men. I know this doesn't help much vis a vis religion, but there you have it.)
If you are cisgendered, however, and simply wish to wear male clothes, then that's OK too. I'm not sure what to suggest in terms of reconciling this with your religion, though.
Either way, I'd suggest maybe looking for support groups or organisations who can help you, ideally one aimed specifically at Muslims. For any problem, getting the right support from people who understand your situation and are in a position to help you is the best thing you can do.
Well, I can relate to that wanting to be a male thing because when I was a younger and even now sometimes I still want to be a boy. I love my female body, no doubt, but I feel as if having a male one would be easier. Then again, I love the thought of being a woman and then being WITH another female so it can be very confusing at times. I associate myself w/being a lesbian but every once in awhile I will see a male and think 'Wow, he IS attractive'-even more confusion. But I also have always had self-esteem and body image issues, not to mention e few mental disorders so that doesn't help much either.
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