Religion, beliefs, and I

As you know, I was born and raised Muslim.

I believe in quite a lot of what is taught in Islam, especially the more important aspects such as the Angels, Books, Messengers, and life after death. It's the somewhat or absolute smaller but prominent issues that I have near extreme conflicts with.

• Heaven
  - How can a non-Muslim not be able to go to Heaven? I believe any good person should after they die. So you mean to tell me Mother Theresa isn't in heaven right now? You mean to tell me the nicest, most loving and beautiful people in my family won't be going to heaven just because they aren't MUSLIM? You. Have GOT to be out of your fucking mind. Religion and belief should have nothing to do with it.
• Love
  - If one truly loves another person, no matter who, what age or what gender they are, and are loved in return, shouldn't they be allowed to love in peace? Why is loving someone of your gender a sin? Love is so powerful...I believe it should be something respected and admired, not shunned and blasphemous.
• Gender
  - Yes, one may physically male or female. But if it were so wrong to feel the opposite or both genders, why is such a thing in existence? How can one help themself if that is how they truly feel? Are they to live in depression and confusion because of their body or their mindset? That makes no sense to me.
• On a lesser note, prayer.
  - I personally do not like nor do I feel comfortable praying the way Muslims are supposed to. This may change in the future, who knows. But right now...I prefer and enjoy praying quietly. Anywhere. Anytime. Quietly, aloud; it doesn't matter. Not physically, at least not the way Muslims are told to.

And a plethor of other things I can't recall off the top of my head.

I will always continue to follow the aforementioned Islamic beliefs. Always. And I will probably always consider myself a Muslim, especially in my heart...But a few others, specifically these...no. I cannot, will not accept them, no matter how hard I've tried. No. No, no, NO. I refuse. It infuriates me to so much as consider...

...I've been considering adapting other beliefs to the beliefs I already have. Something that makes a lot of sense to me or interests me. Maybe something to fill in some voids...I don't know, really, maybe not. Forgive me, I don't even know what I'm saying...

In the beginning, typically, I considered Wicca. In some ways, I'm still considering Wicca, but not too extensively. There are some Wiccan practices that resonate so well with me...perhaps I will adapt those. I recently did some research on Neo-Druidism...and...am very interested. It made me smile just reading about it. Animism and the that "religious truth [can] be found through nature" really gets to me. That and...oh, I love the idea of being connected to nature, as I really want to be a homeopath, herbalist, follow the macrobiotic philosophy, and...ehe...I have always dreamed of being a "neighborhood witch"...

...Yeah, okay, I should have kept that to myself...

So...Neo-Druidism and Wicca are currently very promising for me...I'm even getting...a little...excited...happy...at the mere thought of all of this...

...and maybe a little sad, too...

A big thanks to all

First and foremost, I met with my therapist today and thanked her, too. It's like she was sent to me to help me out on this difficult journey...

And then I have to thank all those from the Facebook 'Goth and More' Blogging Community who have helped me, spoke to me and sent good words and wishes my way! And then...you guys, the people from both the Facebook group and other bloggers who have done the same. Seriously, you guys. Things are looking just a little, just a little bit brighter, and your comments and wishes help so much. As different as I am from the norm, or so I feel, it makes me feel like I'm not so alone...not so strange...not strange at all!

Falling

Warning. Rant ahead...but what else is new?
...I don't understand. I've supposedly improved since taking this Wellbutrin medication, but...sometimes...like today and yesterday...it doesn't seem to be working. Nothing seems to matter. All seems hopeless...

After looking over and trying to read every Tumblr post and blog entry I've missed since losing the internet at home, I've...fallen into that horrid slump yet again. I've been thinking of the things I used to love doing that I don't do anymore or not enough of in comparison to the better days...Sketching...reading...writing...going outside for no reason but to be outside...

I can't even explain how much I feel as if I've betrayed myself. I love these things. Why...? What's wrong with me?

I don't like to read anymore? Blasphemy! I adore books...yet...I don't feel the desire to read. I always make up excuses...Not having what I want to read...not finding time...or something stupid like that, but even I know they're all lies. I borrowed Dracula recently, for crying out loud, and didn't even pick it up to read once. Ended up returning it to the library on the day it was due with a heavy heart and a confused mind. I don't dare to borrow a book now...That feeling of betrayal is too deep...

I ooh and aah over the list of books I want to add to my library, yet I don't even go out to read them. I used to read so much...

And writing! The last time I can remember in which I was writing nearly every day and taking joy in it was sometime back in 2006. Sure, I've written since then...have had fantastic ideas...etc, etc, but...I don't have the joy in it I once had. I look back on the way I used to write, and...they just flowed. I look on the only story I've ever completed, a fanfiction, back in 2010 and...it, too, just came to me. I didn't have to force myself the way I have to now...I want it to be like that again, always...

Sketching! Goodness, I used to draw and sketch all the time. Took a true liking to it when I realized I'm better at sketching than I am at drawing. Tried to do that again earlier this year and...I just didn't feel that interest, that rush of adrenaline I remember feeling that time I re-drew a computer wallpaper or drew my hands. Or even when I would sketch weapons and jewelry for my stories, or symbols for fun...

...I love making symbols...

...And then of course, there's going outside. This, unfortunately, or quite a lot of it, I admittedly blame on my parents. Once upon a time, from ages 13 to about 16, all I wanted to do was go outside...on my own, mind you. I wanted to go to the park, go visit stores, go to the library, anything, as long as I was out of the house. But I wasn't allowed to go out by myself. I had to go with my brother, or father...or my mother. And then, all of a sudden, age 17 came and I was allowed to go out only because I was going to school. But by that time, I admitted defeat. Oh, and when I turned 18, everything was suddenly "okay". Oh, yes, Maryam! You can go anywhere you want, now, just tell us where you're going and when you might come back! Bye-bye~! What the hell was that? Suddenly, I was paranoid. I was afraid to go out. I had by then lost all...I don't know...confidence to do what I once thought I was perfectly capable of doing when I was younger. I lost it. I was mad, then...at them...

...There's another reason for my not wanting to go out, now, but...it seems too ridiculous to even mention here. I'm embarrassing myself enough as it is...

So. Now I am a mess. I don't want to go anywhere unless it has something to do with what I like. And that, of course, never happens. Now my father is pissed because he wants me to get out more and "interact with the Muslimas" and "the young sisters", because I "am a daughter of Eve, you know". Gee. Thanks, Dad. I'll go back to ignoring you, now.

...Clueless...

I swear, nearly everything he says (or does) pisses me off...

...I often wonder how my family will react once it comes out that I'm bigender...that I want to be considered a man at times...that I don't want to cover...that I do consider myself a Muslim, but according to all of the rules and the basis itself, no, I'm not. As much as I hate to admit it, even I know that. And I hate that. I loathe it. I despise it....and sometimes I have a hard time explaining just why that is, even to myself...

My eldest brother and his wife visited yesterday. It was unexpected, but welcomed. Though I didn't meet her, I found out I've got a little niece...I've wanted a little sister forever. My family knows this all too well. I almost had a little sister, too. But...she didn't make it. A little niece, as my other nieces are older, will probably be the closest thing. The problem is...her mother is Muslim...from Morocco. That never bodes well. Never, fucking ever. There is a huge possibility she will be adamant about not having me in the presence of her daughter in the future.

...Black sheep and all...

...Perhaps I'm blowing things out of proportion, as I do too often. I very well might be. Maybe not. This is why I take meds...but it's not like they seem to do much...

...Ramadan is coming up in a day or so. That will not bode well in any way.

To say I wish I was out of the house today is an understatement.

God's twisted sense of humor

There is currently no Internet at home...and this is the first time I've been out of the house, at the library, since. I've had much I want to talk about since...and whoo! I made it to 50 followers! GUYS? YOU REALLY LIKE ME? :'D

First, let's rewind and go back to the fact that my situation at home is...at best...uncomfortable. In September, I'll be going back to school, and my original plan was, of course, to go to Job Corps. As I mentioned before, I've been offered..a lot... from the higher-ups at Gateway and, hell, my very state itself, it seems (state representative?). They really want me to continue going to Gateway. The reason why I didn't want to go, however, was because I'd still be in direct contact with home, and I sure as hell don't want that.

And now there seems to be a godsend of an answer to my problems and prayers. Emphasis on "seems".

Blame me, and my stupidity, or blame my inability to make decisions on my own when I feel I have to do what my parents would want me to do, but I just don't know what to make of this...

So I've been receiving help from a medical...group...eh...of sorts... for young adults that is allowing me to have medication, a therapist, a psychiatrist...and it's real nice. Thing is, because of my, and ehe, my family's, money problems, I get everything for "free". All I really have to do at the moment is be willing to do what I have to do to get better, and I've been doing just that. Because of this, I seem to be (yet another) "perfect" candidate the state would be willing to spend more money on. And what is it my therapist proposed this time...? Having me move out and into my own place or share an apartment with a roommate.

Do I want to get the hell out of dodge?

Do ya even need to friggin' ASK?!

But you think I don't know how much "debt" I'm going to be in after all is good and well in the (hopefully near) future?

I will have to pay off my "bills", but not anytime soon. That'll be when I'm completely stable, mentally and financially, thank goodness. And if I get away from home, not only will the strings to my parents be cut, but I know for sure I'll be able to think more clearly. I can already take care of a place, and if I need assistance, I'm to tell my therapist. They've done this sort of thing for other young adults, so...Thing is, I'm just a little...wary. All of this will help me, greatly...but...all of that money I'll have to pay back...

I spoke to my mother about what "loans" she had to pay when she was younger, and she said she paid off her college loans the moment she had a job. She eventually did,  and though she doesn't remember how much it was, does remember that it was, to be expected, up there in the thousands. So maybe my situation isn't that much different from typical "college loans", except that I'll just have to pay a different type of loan.

...Right??

Tell me I've got nothing to worry about, please. Oh, no, give it to me straight! Should I go with it, get my peace of fuckin' mind, for crying out loud, and worry about everything else when there's nothing personal to worry about?? This will help me greatly...so greatly...I can and have only imagined having my own space, controlling my own time and what want to do...I wouldn't have to cover, can start wearing the clothes I want to wear...can even (and was recommended) to spend an entire year just getting to know myself! It's...it's...it's a dream I can't imagine coming true...

I want to take this offer, oh, God knows I want to...but it's what I'll owe that bothers me...

...I guess I just want a few more...y'know...experienced thoughts about it...? Especially since you guys  know exactly what I'm going through, at least personally, like why I need to leave home...There's no way in hell I'd be able to be me if I stay at home...And being away from home means I could go to Gateway after all, thus not feel guilty about not taking up these generous offers...

The Devil's Carnival is coming to CT!!

LOOKIT! LOOOOOK! RIGHT HERE, the words do not lie!! IT'S COMING TO CT!! Oh, why did it have to be so far away?? Aw, I thought it was closer, but it's literally near the capital...There's a very teeny tiny chance I might be able to go. There's the fact that I have no money whatsoever, no way of getting there except by public transportation...*sigh* And the likelihood of my brother wanting to take me there is...very...very...slim...

So far, the directions I have from Google Maps state I may be able to get there in about three hours...so...maybe leave at five o'clock? Ugh. Then there's the fact that it takes place at 9 PM and might...

...

Yeah.

This isn't going to happen.

...Just when I was complaining about nothing in my interests happening here...something does happen...Oh, what a mess..

I guess I'll just keep looking for solutions until the date...

Liebster Award

I was awarded the Liebster Award by DarkAngelCase over at The Strange Case of a Curious Mind and Sal Kaye over at Still Dark @ Heart. Ha-ha. I needed something to blog about. This came just in time...

So this award is given to upcoming bloggers with less than 200 followers.

Rules for the Liebster Award

• Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
• Answer the questions the tagger has set for you.
• Create 11 questions for the people you've tagged to answer.
• Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
• No tag backs.

11 things about me (in no particular order of importance):

1. Though I absolutely love to learn, I hate schooling.
2. I had plans to kill myself. Was thinking something along the lines of drowning after overdosing on sleeping pills.
3. Music. Is. My. Life. And it has saved my life. If it were a religion, I would be such a devout follower, it's sad.
4. Up until around two years ago, my dreams (and near-unconscious moments) were plagued with reoccurring shadow people. I only just discovered they were shadow people a week or two ago, after being tormented by these things since I was a child. I call them "My Little Friends"...
5. Thanks to said shadow people, I have a severe fear of being exposed while sleeping and sleep with a sleep mask.
6. All of my favorite actors, except one, are male.
7. I am severely arachnophobic. I have panic attacks, hyperventilate, everything.
8. Larger than life objects give me a horrible fright. I don't even know how to describe the feeling...*shudders*
9. As long as I've been writing (since before I could even spell or write words), I've only finished one of my hundreds of stories in my entire life (even counting my short stories and fanfiction).
10. I want to be the sole owner and manager, and play an active part, in my own business and company in the near future.
11. All of the people I look up to most in my life are men.

The questions I was asked:

1. What is your favorite candy?
2. What book are you currently reading or have just finished?
3. What was the last movie you saw in the movie theater?
4. Do you like the Opera?
5. What is your favorite restaurant?
6. Do you prefer Autumn or Winter; Spring or Summer?
7. What is your favorite fruit?
8. What do you carry around the most?
9. What is your dream car?
10. What anime shows do you watch?
11. Do you have a favorite stuffed animal?

Answers:

1. I suppose my favorite candy are mint-flavored ones. Can't be mint-anything-else except mint-chocolate. Other than than that, simple ol' mint is my #1.
2. I'm currently re-reading The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers for the...I-don't-know-what-th-time. 
3. The last movie I saw in the theaters was The Avengers (2012).
4. Yes! My mother introduced me to a great lot of Puccini operas (Madam Butterfly, Turandot, La bohème) when I was younger and I've loved them since!
5. ....I guess I'll have to go with my top three favorites as a tie: Pizza Hut, Captain's Pizza, and Famous. 
6. Late Autumn, with Winter in second place.
7. My favorite fruit? I'm a fruit monster. That's a really difficult question to answer. It is. I don't know.
8. I carry a weapon with me at all times.
9. My dream car is a black hearse of pending design with a CD and cassette player, airbags, and a sunroof.
10. The anime I watch are (all subbed, unless stated otherwise):
    One Piece
    Hellsing Ultimate OVA (sub and dub)
    Code Geass
    Death Note
    Cowboy Bebop (sub and dub)
    Samurai Champloo (sub and dub)
    Fullmetal Alchemist
    Saiyuki
    Paranoia Agent (sub and dub)
    s-CRY-ed (sub and dub)
    D.N.Angel
    Pokémon (I've never watched the sub)
    Shaman King
    Yu Yu Hakusho (sub and dub)
    FLCL
    Dragon Ball Z (...mostly dubbed, believe it or not)
    Devil May Cry
    Princess Tutu
    Beelzebub
    InuYasha (sub and dub)
    Bleach (up until, you know, IT STARTED TO SUCK)
    [THIS LIST IS STILL BEING UPDATED]
11. My favorite stuffed animal...was...my baby bear...My grandmother gave it to me. Somehow, someway, I lost it a few years back. I've never been the same without it...

Questions I'm asking you:

1. What do you prefer, an anime version or the original manga, unless the anime came first?
2. What manga do you read?
3. What shows from the 90s and 80s are most memorable to you?
4. What do you think of the kid's cartoons of today?
5. What are your plans for the future?
6. What is your favorite genre(s) of music?
7. What is your favorite book, manga, comic, and otherwise?
8. What obscure book, manga, comic, etc, do you read and love?
9. Do you read any webcomics?
10. Do you like tacos?
11. Do you know how to do the hokey-pokey?

...I suppose you can see where my mind has been lately...

I tag you! Pikachu!

•  ....Uhh...Anyone who hasn't done it? Lots of people have, it seems...I know...I'm breaking the rules... 

...I wish I was asked some questions about the 90s...*sigh* Especially since I've been obsessing over 90s cartoons, if it isn't obvious...

Ah, well. This was fun...