Tuesday, July 17, 2012

God's twisted sense of humor

There is currently no Internet at home...and this is the first time I've been out of the house, at the library, since. I've had much I want to talk about since...and whoo! I made it to 50 followers! GUYS? YOU REALLY LIKE ME? :'D

First, let's rewind and go back to the fact that my situation at home is...at best...uncomfortable. In September, I'll be going back to school, and my original plan was, of course, to go to Job Corps. As I mentioned before, I've been offered..a lot... from the higher-ups at Gateway and, hell, my very state itself, it seems (state representative?). They really want me to continue going to Gateway. The reason why I didn't want to go, however, was because I'd still be in direct contact with home, and I sure as hell don't want that.

And now there seems to be a godsend of an answer to my problems and prayers. Emphasis on "seems".

Blame me, and my stupidity, or blame my inability to make decisions on my own when I feel I have to do what my parents would want me to do, but I just don't know what to make of this...

So I've been receiving help from a medical...group...eh...of sorts... for young adults that is allowing me to have medication, a therapist, a psychiatrist...and it's real nice. Thing is, because of my, and ehe, my family's, money problems, I get everything for "free". All I really have to do at the moment is be willing to do what I have to do to get better, and I've been doing just that. Because of this, I seem to be (yet another) "perfect" candidate the state would be willing to spend more money on. And what is it my therapist proposed this time...? Having me move out and into my own place or share an apartment with a roommate.

Do I want to get the hell out of dodge?

Do ya even need to friggin' ASK?!

But you think I don't know how much "debt" I'm going to be in after all is good and well in the (hopefully near) future?

I will have to pay off my "bills", but not anytime soon. That'll be when I'm completely stable, mentally and financially, thank goodness. And if I get away from home, not only will the strings to my parents be cut, but I know for sure I'll be able to think more clearly. I can already take care of a place, and if I need assistance, I'm to tell my therapist. They've done this sort of thing for other young adults, so...Thing is, I'm just a little...wary. All of this will help me, greatly...but...all of that money I'll have to pay back...

I spoke to my mother about what "loans" she had to pay when she was younger, and she said she paid off her college loans the moment she had a job. She eventually did,  and though she doesn't remember how much it was, does remember that it was, to be expected, up there in the thousands. So maybe my situation isn't that much different from typical "college loans", except that I'll just have to pay a different type of loan.


Tell me I've got nothing to worry about, please. Oh, no, give it to me straight! Should I go with it, get my peace of fuckin' mind, for crying out loud, and worry about everything else when there's nothing personal to worry about?? This will help me greatly...so greatly...I can and have only imagined having my own space, controlling my own time and what want to do...I wouldn't have to cover, can start wearing the clothes I want to wear...can even (and was recommended) to spend an entire year just getting to know myself! It's...it's...it's a dream I can't imagine coming true...

I want to take this offer, oh, God knows I want to...but it's what I'll owe that bothers me...

...I guess I just want a few more...y'know...experienced thoughts about it...? Especially since you guys  know exactly what I'm going through, at least personally, like why I need to leave home...There's no way in hell I'd be able to be me if I stay at home...And being away from home means I could go to Gateway after all, thus not feel guilty about not taking up these generous offers...


  1. You need to leave home. I haven't been following your blog close enough to advise you further, but I remember what it was like to move out and live on my own.

    Um, avoid debt, is another good one. Unless you intend to get a graduate degree and go into a specific line of work that will make you money, college isn't worth it. It's just not.

    Also, making lots of money can be nice, but being happier is better, and you can do that with no money if you learn the tricks.

    Do however, focus on your goals, and if your real goals, I mean your PASSIONS don't extend beyond getting away from your family and their house right now, then focus on doing things for the PEOPLE that you are PASSIONATE about.

    I can't stress this enough, when you are young, it feels like a struggle, you are struggling for individuation, struggling to survive. You can become incredibly self-centered really easily as a young person. The most important thing that you can learn for yourself though, is to focus on others. Learning to authentically care about other people and what they are doing is the single most important lesson that you will ever learn about being successful.

    Hope any of that is useful.

  2. It sounds to me like the verse is giving you a good option. As for the loans, in order to get most large things that are needed ( homes, cars, schooling, ect.) it all seems to have to be done in loans. Even rent is a smaller type of loan. So I say that if it helps you get to where you need and want to be, Take it. Fear is a big thing to break, I now this very well. IN the long run if it does turn out to be a mistake. You will have the time you took for yourself to fall back on, and will be able to handle it better, than you may if you stay home and keep the imposed mask.

  3. As some one who is juggling paying school, being in and out of college ,and am going to have loans when my education is complete, I know a thing or two about loans and such. Though I do not know all the ins and outs of the "group" you are in I think you should go for opportunity they are giving you with moving out. I think it will be good for you; especially if it allows you to go to Gateway. If you don't like it you can always move back right?
    I recommend trying to get an estimate of your future debt. If you know there is a high probability that you will have a job or career after all of this is over than paying that debt should not be to much of an issue especially if you save up money while in school for emergency expenses and/or come up with a reasonable payment plan.

    P.S. sorry for not contacting you about the beetlejuice thing I ran into an issue with finding season 4 of the show. The 4th season is only available on VHS and it is the longest season (The show had become a weekday show instead of a weekend show at that point) So I'm trying to figure out what to do about that.

  4. I think you should go for it! As you've already explained it'll be great for your mental health and education. Not to mention you want too! Wouldn't you rather be happy with yourself than to be debt free and feeling terrible?

  5. I know I'm stating the obvious here, but taking the difficult road pays off in the future. So you're not alone.