2k16: E.N.D. | Update

I don't know what to say.

I don't know what else to do.

I'm just...

...

For those who don't know...and I know none of you do...I've been suffering from depression for...many...many years. I don't go into the long...annoying...dead-end story. "Dead-end" because it hasn't gotten better. In fact...it's gotten worse.

Painfully, unbelievably worse.

To add icing to the cake, I have suicidal ideation. Suicidal thoughts. In the past two weeks, past months, and two years, they have increased...exponentially. They've even taken me by surprise a bit, but I'm used to it, really. The years have made me numb. Only more...confused. Broken. Jaded. Cynical...and really fucking sad.

Confused as to why I drag myself through this mess. Confused and angry and hurt that I continue to live, to put my loved ones through my shit, my problems just because I can't be brave enough to take whatever pain comes through offing myself. Just one time, and they will be free of a lifetime of nuances.

I wonder when that unexpected bullet runs through my skull.

I wonder when someone will finally kill me randomly on the street. In a store. Whatever they do with my body will mean nothing to me when I'm gone.

I wonder when someone will threaten someone I love enough that I will openly engage them without fear of dying.

Because I want to die.

More than anything.

And the worst part?

...I don't think anyone truly believes me.

Not my mother.

Not my brother.

Not my partner.

Not my therapist.

Not my psychiatrist.

...No one.

Because I believe if they did understand how much I want to die...they sure as hell wouldn't just have me sitting alone in my room, lost in my mind, day-in, day-out, when I cannot escape the person I despise most: myself.

Because that's where most of this all stems from.

It's all me.

It's not...really, anyone. Anything.

Just me.

Lil' ol'...annoying...useless...pathetic...me.

There are only two things holding me back from killing myself. I must have put a knife to my wrist at least twice recently, in this month, alone. But no one cares, methinks, because I'm still here, aren't I? Fucking coward, scaring people like that.

1) I don't want to suffer before I die.

2) I don't want to go to the very possible human construct we call Hell. If it exists.

Hopefully, there is nothing after we die.

Just...blissful non-existence.

I quit my job last Friday. Put in my two weeks notice. I have only four days before I'm done with that miserable place...or was it only me...that was miserable...at all?

Probably.

Wouldn't be a surprise, knowing how fucking pathetic I am.

Maybe not.

I do suffer from depression.

But where does it all...come from...?

...To sum it up?

Why, it's me, of course.

Were you expecting some...blame, somewhere?

Typical.

That, at least, would be interesting.

...No.

It's just me.

Pathetic, useless Maryam.

I could explain why, if you want to read a piss-poor pathetic excuse for a story.

I was born into a religion that was never mine. I followed it, believe it...until I grew old enough to ask questions and realize I didn't believe the same. I kept quiet for many years...more years and far quieter than even those closest to me probably know or understand. But I remember. I know. From childhood to teenhood, I was bombarded with the teachings of this religion. I became scared of what I really was. Of who I really was. Or who I was at the time, even. Still am, really...So I began to...self-loath. Because of course it had to be my fault. Oh, yes, lingering blame to this day rattles in my head, mocking me over something that cannot change and was never even taken into account: my parents had me. I might never be able to overcome this...internal blame I have for them to have had me. ME. I had no say in being here. I never wanted to be here. But my parents...just...of course...being saner than me...never thought about that.

And as the sad years went by, I just came to hate my existence. For reasons too complicated for even me to understand, but I do know this much, without a doubt:

I don't see myself and my existence the way saner "normal" people do. I see myself as two people. Oh, my...in many ways, I always have. I even gave that other person a name....once...and heard their voice at least...once...But there is that other me, too. The one I talk about all the time, the one melded with me, yet separate, but not like that other me that counts as the second. The one I see in the mirror and cannot tell if I am the victim or if I am the one I hate. The one I blame. I blame me just for...existing.

Because I'm too much of a coward to end my life, myself. I never wanted to be here.

The two sides have been fighting again...

One, who is obviously more powerful; "powerful" in that they have held onto the tiniest shred of possibility—not "hope"—that things can get better. The fucker.

Two, who is the dominant one; "dominant" in that they hold the strongest emotion, make the most noise—or lack thereof—in my fucking head and won't SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAMNIT because they are tired, so very tired and uselessly hopes this is all a dream my ten year old self made up. The fucker.

And if I die before I wake— goddamnit, what the fuck took you so long?

Going back to the present instead of the incessantly pissant mind of mine, this two weeks notice was supposed to be a blessing for me. It meant time to focus on myself, my health and making me better. Somehow. But it wasn't an impossible thought...even for me...

But, of course...reality hits.

And then you realize, "Well, Mar, you're an ASSHOLE because this means your dear Mr. Stark will have to take on the load of blah bleh pig latin red tape humanssuck 'cause your sad, pathetic self couldn't handle even three days of work out of an entire week!!"

"Oh, and did I mention the fact that you won't be able to DO anything while in this supposed 'self-healing' time? Not enough money. 'Cause you fucking QUIT YOUR JOB."

The fucker.

"Not to mention the additional stress this puts on poor Mr. Stark 'cause blah bleh blech blargh red tape humanssuck!"

Son of a BITCH, they're RIGHT!

I'm just making things worse! How dare I try to do what I think is best for me, the selfish materialistic kufr, while my dearly beloved has to take on all of this SHIT that was...well, already pre(eeeeeeee)tty shitty!!

"You wouldn't be doing this if you didn't have someone to lean back on!!"

DAMN RIGHT! I'd probably be dead by now, in fact!

...

Kind of sad when you think about it that way, actually. By "sad" I mean "Man, what am I still living for? Don't I have shaper knives in the kitchen?", by the way. No positive thoughts, here, nooooo ho-ho, not for ol' Mae-am...

Positive thoughts are fake.

I don't believe them.

Not for me.

How can I, when there's really...no proof? Of anything, really. Don't get me started...

...Whatever.

I'm still here. Unfortunately.

Why, I don't know.

I've done every passive thing in the books to get myself killed. Deathly thinking. Being reckless crossing the street. Not caring where I walk at night. Not paying attention at night. Praying to my childhood god to kill me like one prays for good health. Not taking care of myself. Pushing myself too hard. Not eating well on top of all of that...

I think, in fact, all I've managed to do is damage my brain quite a bit. My body isn't doing too good, either. I'm just going to suffer before I inevitably die, anyway, if I keep this up.

So again, that godawful powerful side of my being used override commands and I made the dumbass smart decision to quit my job. Because I personally believe my possible road to recovery begins with stopping something that brings me constant stress, self-loathing, self-doubt, anxiety, panic, and more deeply suicidal tendencies, as it is something I DON'T WANT TO DO.

Which is working. I don't want to work.

Get the fuck used to it, society.

...

On a lighter note. All I meant to say was that by next week I shouldn't be working anymore.

...

Yay.

More stress at home and the inability to do things that will actually make me happier, thus improve my overall health.

Pfft, 'course my fuckin' ass can't even be seem thankful Mr. Stark exists at all...

2016 – E.N.D.

Era Now Dies

Where have I been? | Mid-2k16 Update

...So...nothing I had planned for this year has worked out, so far. Not having a job, not my plans and hopes for exercising or getting back in shape, not wearing my corsets again, since none of them fit me anymore...and...well...not even Project DV's 10th Anniversary. It's all very depressing...and it hurts a lot...

I'm trying so hard. I don't understand what more I can do. It's tiring, and my body physically hurts every day I wake up. I've even started considering some things...Well, we won't go there.

Aside from that, my favorite time of the year is soon to approach. There are exactly 100 days until Halloween. But even if I get a job before then, I'm not going to have any money to spend on the choicest things that make me happy. I won't have any money to spare. I may be materialistic, but...it's what gives me some sort of smile, you know? Beggars can't be choosers...

I'm trying to get some sort of professional help, but even that isn't going so well. Money is required for some of the base things I need to get out of the way...and money is so painfully tight right now...We've pretty much been living off of the kindness of family members since March. But it can't be that way forever...and it makes one feel so horrible...guilty...useless...

So for now, Project DV is on a hiatus. No one takes any interest in it, anyway. It's just another one of those things that...will have to wait a considerable amount of years before anything actually happens to it. For it.

Furthermore, my fanfics are also on hiatus. Somewhat. I know no one who actually reads my stories is going to know this, but I'm just putting it out just in case someone wonders. If anyone wonders.

I can't do this, right now. I don't even know what "this" is. I just can't do it. Too much anxiety, too much stress...too much worrying. And having the worst happen...

Why do I bother staying optimistic anyway...?

...I know this blog will never be as successful as my first one. No one seems to take interest in what I say, in any case...so this blog will also go on hiatus. All of my entries prior to this one will be hidden. Whatever may possibly come after this...will stay.

I'm just so tired, so sad, too stressed, and too anxious.

Saia.

A real "honest goth talk"

I've been thinking about holding off on this entry for a while, now. But I feel as if it should be mentioned as soon as possible. It's a good way to get into some "deep"-ish topics, of a sort. Why this isn't on BBTxx, we'll see in the end...

Before I begin, this rant....vent...whatever, is all based upon my observations and are all my opinions.

As I watch and read articles created by alternative folk from all around the world, save for those many who are scarcely even recognized past their multitude of rather small followers, I've come to realize something...extremely annoying from the ones who are recognized.

There is too much—painfully too much—repetition within the subcultures, almost exclusively with the goths, since they seem to be the real popular ones, nowadays; must be a phase. There was recently a YouTube video going around within the YouTube networks of dark-clad types entitled "An Honest Goth Talk" by LigeiaResurrected. I was rather annoyed, finding that her ideas of what is "wrong" or what have you within the scene were not truly considered.

Now, as someone who only made videos on YouTube four years ago and has since stopped uploading videos (for now), I may not have much valid input in the matter about these things. But from mere observation, it would seem as if, no, it's not necessarily that people are ignoring one another, if you will, after they've made it "big" on YT. It's simply harder and harder to respond and connect to those in the scene through YouTube when you have over a thousand comments on a single video, for instance. In my opinion, the real problem lies in simply not connecting off of YouTube, as far as that's concerned.

I severely digressed.

I love the goth subculture—or at least, what it was. If you're someone like me who tries to connect to every online goth presence there is, or in this example, the "popular", well-known ones, you'll be looking up every account they have. Subscribing and following every account you can find. Nowadays, however, it seems as if more often than not, the scene has seemingly degraded to a fashion show with little to no other life to it than makeup, "get ready with me"s, clothing, makeup, and item hauls, piercing showcases, and very stylish outfits, no matter where you so happened to find it and bonus points if you made it yourself.

To some very small degree, I get it. People do what's "popular". What's "in". What their viewers "want". Because, lucky them, they either get income from said videos/blog entries, or simply because they want to be, whether they acknowledge it or not, the next big thing. Or whatever.

At the same time, in a way, that's also the problem.

Because of that, this giving in to the masses, they've lost a huge asset of their individuality and are lacking with originality.

And don't get me started on the painful redundancy of the same reaction videos, the same people saying the same YouTube video or online blog "goth" this and "goth" that. The stupid, pointless clarifications and blatant opinions and hypocrisy of saying what "is" or what "isn't" goth, "in their opinion". It shows a bit of duality.

If you want to go with one popular opinion, that goth was invented because a mass of like-minded people who liked similar music came together because they liked what they liked and the mainstream didn't, there is very little you can say "is" or "is not" "goth".

And what is that, "what is/isn't goth", as if "goth" was created to be labeled on things and not people?

Aren't the people "goth", and anything else they like outside of the origins' spectrum simply something else they like? Do they have to BE that stringent definition of a goth, day-in, day-out, or are they not human beings who have a myriad of interests? That pigeon-holding is toxic!

...Hmm...does this mean...anyone can be a goth?

Yes. Yes it does.

Anyone can be a goth and you wouldn't even know it. To say otherwise is...asinine.

Because once upon a time, goths dressed in a way that was "of the time", albeit a bit strangely. As time itself moved on, goth, too, has evolved. The goths of today also dress "of the time", albeit strangely. Furthermore, now we have such a history, such a myriad of colors, textures, and collaborative interests that we share—vampires, zombies, witches, cemeteries, Halloween, crosses, gore, skulls, skeletons, bats, spiders, Tim Burton movies, stripes, pumpkins, horror, macabre, roses, flowers, witchcraft, magic, magik, Edgar Allan Poe, literature, art, books, writers, artists, music, 80s music, 90s music, coldwave, darkwave, post-punk, black, whatever combination it may be—that we can dress however we want, look however we want, and listen to whatever we want.

But with the amount of nonsense that goes on online, which is currently the only place I can connect to anyone even remotely like me, the modern goth label has become a joke. It's not unique anymore. It's not something I personally can be proud of.

My interests haven't changed. Because of this solemnity, I doubt they ever will. I simply refuse to call myself a goth. For now. Maybe. I think. Goths, to me, were always people that couldn't be held down to a single definition. Simply similar interests. And even then, those interests were never all they were; again, they're human. This pigeon-holding is so likely the reason why so many young goths leave the scene so early. Because not the mainstream, but the people within the subculture make it as if goth has to BE this and that, not simply a multitude of interests that are shared by its members. Because not all goths wear black, and not all goths aren't Satanists.

Being told they "have" to be something they aren't within a subculture that claims to be a reject of the mainstream because the mainstream told them to be something they aren't is two-faced. So then why did the "goth" name interest them at all?

Hm, maybe because of that initial little idea of things goths have in common...that seems like the be-all that modern goth is, but is actually something that makes them all attach themselves to one another to begin with.

Whatever the case, I'm out of this mess. I've had enough of my own struggles of trying to "fit in" to the modern portrayal of goth, only to realize I cannot fit in without changing who I am. At 23 years old, I don't need that nonsense when I have life trying to strangle me in my sleep, thank you.

Be you. Honestly, that's all that matters. Listen to what you want, dress the way you want, do what you want, dance the way you want. Don't do what you don't want, and don't feel pressured into feeling you have to do it. So if you make the modern definition of a goth but don't want to be called one, that's fine, too.

This spooky dark-clad type has to go to bed, now. I need to wake up early, and I doubt that'll be happening, anymore...

The long years...

I hate Blogger, right now. A very important entry, Life after Job Corps, was accidentally deleted, no thanks to their shitty mobile application that has some fucking serious bugs. I am beyond pissed off that entry is gone.

I left a very angry report for them.

In other news, I imported all 120-something entries from my handful of earlier blogs into ADMiDT 2k16 (this blog). Wow. I had some transitions going on. To think I went from

this

this

to 

in the duration of time I've been blogging. 

I've come a long way.

Speaking of my transition after leaving my family's religion, I plan on talking about that a lot, too. In fact, to make things easier, I have started a list of topics I plan on covering from now on. I will also publish most of my old entries from ADMiDT 2011 - 2012, within reason, since some of them...Well, I don't feel quite too keen about them, anymore. Not to mention there is no reason to publish entries that had my old videos in them since they're all private, now. In the future, I may upload parts of those videos with my new videos...Just for people to actually see what I was like, back then...

As for Bat Fit 2k16, things aren't going so well at the very moment, even before I decided to actually start BF2k16. Mr. Stark and I are currently on a tight budget, so...that explains itself. This weekend was lazy, meaning I did almost nothing but sleep, so let's not talk about that. Usually, I walk every other day or so. There's a hill I have to go up to get back home, so that takes care of the brunt of my cardio workouts...

What I meant to talk about, I don't quite remember, anymore, be it I've tried to finish this entry five times without success. What I can say now is that I plan to get back into the swing of posting regularly both here and on the BBTxx very soon—hopefully this week. Starting...tomorrow, maybe?

Oh, and...the BBTxx is under construction, so I have the entries hidden for now.

Just a brief update~

It Begins

Well...I begin my true start and approach to 2k16. I don't quite know how to explain how well this is all going thus far, considering I'm a horrible judge at personal progress. But I feel better about myself....
Heck, I even renamed this blog my first blog's name. And a header!! Which will be updated really soon...

Project DV

Articles

Several of the articles on DeVepedia have been rewritten for 2k16, and they are very well done! These are the important ones, of course, such as About DeVepedia, Project DV and Tales by the One Who Knows. Being a wiki, several articles are not complete, but I try to have at least basic information on even stub articles.

Graphics

This is a tricky one. PDV has never had a lot of icons, pictures or graphics in general. I try, and I do mean try  to make images whenever I can, and now more than ever I plan on making many, many more. But I have to let it known: whatever isn't created by me are usually stock images from public domains—as long as I can verify they are public domain. Whenever I discover or am told graphics I use aren't public domain, I stop using them immediately. I wish I had a drawing tablet...but I don't. Everything is made or done with a computer mouse.

Social media

This year is a HUGE year for the Diverse Project. It's the 10th year anniversary! The official date is on July 5th. I originally planned to have some videos on my YouTube profiles by now related to my personal life and PDV, but...well, let's just say I kind of did myself in for now. But I am working on it. If it doesn't happen, well...I have my personal blogs. But in any case, I plan to organize PDV's online locations and not only revamp them, but keep them going with content from now on.

Personal life

I am finally participating in Bat Fit 2016! Being back on Blogger is...depressing to say the least, since so many people I follow have stopped blogging within the past two years or more. But I have many topics to blog about, myself. Some are probably going to anger people, but according to Mr. Stark, that's one of the things I do best. So I'm owning that! What do you think the BBTxx is for...?

Speaking of BBTxx, I finally gave it a graphic header. Looks nice. In fact, I've finally realized my personal identifier, one I've had for years. That barcode is mine. It is coded to represent me~

Yes, yes, Bat Fit 2k16. I have notebooks to spare, and I plan on doing more than just physical fitness. Some plans include:

• Returning to my Wicca studies
• Picking up and reading books more often (there's a used books bookstore DOWN THE STREET!!)
• Dancing to music all the time—without headphones (my old Maeonette YouTube channel is being revamped for a reason directly related to this...)
• Finding ways to work from home (and if all else fails, there are plenty of places around to look into)
• Walking up and down the street—and up that bleeding hill...ugh...
• Being kinder to myself
• Eating better, or at the very least, less than I do now and limiting sugar and fats
• Wearing my corsets more often!
• Reconnecting with the online alternative community
• Writing more often, especially letters to friends and family
• Dressing up more—who cares if I'm not going anywhere?
• And, of course, using my blogs and other social media platforms more often! My life ties in with PDV, too.

So I have my work set out for me! I very much look forward to everything! This isn't a Hot Blood Workout, as I used to call things like this. Those never worked, except the amazing one in 2012 that still blows my mind at how awesome that year was...This. Is. BAT FIT!

Countdown to life after Job Corps

It's been a bad start to what should be a rather good year. So much has happened...yet...so little.

For starters, it has come to my attention that I may not be able to live the way I want to. At the very least, not anytime soon. A dramatic thing to say, yeah...but it may be true. It's funny; last time I said anything relating to such depressing topics, I said that things didn't look as ruined and impossible. Yet once again, it's right back to being...impossible and ruined...

Every time I try to be positive, something happens...

There's a strain in my personal life that threatens to overwhelm it, right now. My current living status, the threat of unemployment looming deathly overhead, my uncertain future, and my being in general has worsen my depression, with my mentality along with it...

...

...Well, in any case, I do have an upcoming interview at a university nearby, but it is only a temporary job until May. Might move during that month, so it's perfect, really...

As far as good news, this is the year of the 10th anniversary of Project DV, my life project!

I plan to focus on it, at least a little bit more than usual, this year. It is a very important year, after all. Ten years ago, I was thirteen  years old when I decided to create PDV. It's had some severe ups and downs since then, but I think things can finally come to fruition if I focus hard enough!

I don't know when, but I do plan to have a few new site changes for every online PDV location there is. I need to have all of this done before July...so I have an actual deadline, this time. 

Well, this was just a simple update...nothing much at all. I don't know what the future of this blog will be, but eventually, it will be something directly tied in to PDV and...well, my "public life".

Until next time~