When writing isn't fun anymore

I've been writing all my life.

Literally.

I don't remember when I first started or anything. It's always been a constant thing in my life. I do know that, before I even knew the alphabet, I would scribble on paper as if I was writing. I tried to stay on the lines...but hey, I was very young.

Fast forward to...today.

I feel like a washed-up wannabe writer, never able to get anything done and constantly letting people down. It's utterly impossible for me to feel...as if I have done something. I'm fucking 30 years old. What have I accomplished? What have I done that I am proud of?

Nothing. I feel as if my younger years were robbed from me with depression and suicidal ideation, and my older ones were just...stagnant. No matter what good I tried to do for myself, I never did anything worth my efforts, time, or blood and sweat. Not to mention too many tears.

It's come to a point that I kind of...resent writing. Or something. Maybe just me and my writing, because I can't get rid of my desire to write no matter what I do. It's too ingrained in me. It's all I've ever wanted to do, all I've ever done when not sleeping or crying or whatever.

I'm pathetic.

I'm writing this to let everyone know I feel pathetic. 

I'm not...what people think I am. 

What I think, or wish, I am. 

I don't want to write. I say that, but I know I'll go right back to writing anyway. It's in my blood. My marrow. My DNA. It's pathetic...

Needless to say, my writing will be on pause for a while. I don't know when I'll update again on Tapas or AO3...because...I'm just...so tired. Painfully...utterly exhausted. 

Gods...I just want it all to end.