Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Me vs. Food

So...I made my first post in my real RoaM blog...and I have to say I'm a bit snarkier than I had intended. I think? The calm, bored and wholly sarcastic approach has always been my thing, believe it or not, but no one outside of my family are familiar with that side of me. Hmm. I know, it's harsh. It really is. Yeah. Tough. And no, amiss how it might sound, the blog was not made to spite my community or anything like that. Hell, I'm having fun with it. I'm doing this for me. Like everything...

*Sigh* Anyway. I have a problem. A very common, typical and annoying problem women and especially young adult females go through. Yes, I'm sick of it, too. Thus I rant. Read it if you like, I'm just going to rant and vent a bit here for my health's sake...

Power's been out for over a month. We just got it back today. In said month's time, all I've eaten are crackers, subs, and Asian takeout. Needless to say, that is a HUGE deviation from what I usually eat. And although I'm well aware it was better than nothing and I am thankful for being able to eat at all...Call me over-dramatic. Call me "one of those girls". Call me stupid. Call me overreacting. But it's a huge thing that I've gained a mere five pounds since I've started eating like this. Hell, it probably doesn't even show. I can't tell. I can't feel anything different. Five pounds might even do me well. But five pounds is not the weight I've had for the past few years. Yes. I am panicking, as stupid, silly and unnecessary as that sounds. But I have good reason...

I panic about gaining weight not because I want to look like a supermodel. Not because I want to be skinny. Not because I want to fit into clothes. Not for some guy who doesn't exist. I panic about gaining weight in any unnatural way...because of my mom. My mother has struggled with her weight since...forever, it seems, even though I see pictures of her when I was seven and she was actually exactly where she wants to be now, unlike the way I remember her...I don't know why, either...

Thus all I remember is growing up watching her struggle, watching her attempt different ways to combat her weight, involving my brothers and I in subtle, helpful ways by teaching us to love organic and whole foods. We all still do, but I more than...everyone, really. I'm the health freak. Emphasis on freak. I drive everyone, including myself, obviously, crazy about eating good or better food choices.

So the fact that I've gained a mere five pounds within a week or so results in my heaving a nervous breakdown last night. I literally had to tell myself to shut up so I could get some sleep to wake up for school. Worked, but....the point I'm trying to make is...I don't want to end up like my mom. That's it in a nutshell. Because of her weight issues, I she was unable to do things she really wanted to do, and once did because her body just didn't allow her to anymore. And I watched her go through her depressions...and I tried to help her, but...*scoffs*

I don't want to end up like that. I fear it more than death because, quite frankly, I welcome death. To quote one of my favorite stories,

To die will be an awfully big adventure.

In my case, it ain't a frigging adventure. It's either a Hell or Heaven and I genuinely think I've earned some plentiful time in Hell...Overall, I'd rather dream of death than being overweight. That is how severely...I don't want to use the word, but scarred I am from watching my mom. And simply being aware...

Sure. As I grow up, especially as a woman, I could still gain weight. But it'd probably be a more natural weight gain than...from eating wrong and being inactive. That I can deal with. So it's not about being thin. It's about being healthy.

So how can I be sure this is a healthy weight gain based upon the fact that I've only gained this weight within a week's time on a diet like that? Especially amiss the fact that I walk from my house to the library and back every day, even on the weekends. I don't even know what that distance is, but it's a lot. And that doesn't even count the times I might just walk around town...

Based on all I've told you, even I think I have a good reason to be at least a little bit panicked. I'm a woman, damnit, I have a right to be a bit vain. Not to mention it IS my body. But nervous breakdown-worthy?

...Pathetic...

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