My Alias

This is something I've wanted to talk about for a while, since I started this blog, actually.

My alias. Once upon a time this might have been a little more than a simple alias, but that's all really stupid history and fortunately is not that complicated anymore. My alias is Jadell Leigh, a craaaaazy side of me in which I allow myself to be as radical as possible! Emoticons, smilies everywhere! CAPSLOCK! KAHSAKJDSAKLSHAJKSAMLK  keyboard babble! Yeah. I can be like that, but I try to keep it localized to my Jadell accounts.

Accounts under this alias go as far back as 2006, my most long-standing account to this day on FanFiction.net, when my common username was Radical Hartless, a username I still love to bits today. I made up that name because...well...I am radical, and I can be heartless...even though it was a joke that "I was not heartless, just hartless"; honestly, though, the name was inspired by Radical Edward from Cowboy Bebop. I see her as a role model of sorts. My common username is now Lenighma, made especially for myself; it is a combination of my alias' last name "leigh" with "enigma", which was the word I used to describe myself back then (now I use devious).

So, the story back then was that Jadell and Elian were close friends, cousins, really. He was the brooding SOB with a snake tongue, she was the, well, radical nutjob you had to take breaks away from to spare your brain cells. They worked together to create stories, but she always stayed within the K+ to OT rating and he did...everything above T. Eh, even though I might still say that, I'm slowly writing more OT+ stories under Jadell's name...

I made up my alias to be undercover, you see. Back then I was heavily conflicted with my likes and always thought I had to hide my real name from the world. I had a "People can't know I'm Muslim!" mindset back then, because of the stories I write and the things I like (wanting to be an erotic novelist, including homoerotica, and all). As time has gone on, I've wanted to use this alias less and less, but because I'm literally on nearly every popular site I can think of off the top of my head (deviantART, SheezyArt, GaiaOnline, JPopAsia, TokyoPop, MangaFox, Nintendo, VampireFreaks, Playlist, Last.fm, MySpace, the list goes on), uh...it's going to be hard not to use it, especially since I'd love to keep the accounts, just change my username, something that is impossible on more than 80% of these sites without some sort of stupid hiccup. One of the things I hate about being online is having a million accounts everywhere, and because of my alias (and some other person), I literally have well over...oh...perhaps 90 accounts from yesterday and today and perhaps more than 10 email accounts. That's from a span of a mere six years. Ugh. I have accounts I don't even remember having, god forbid...and let's not even go to accounts that have passwords I can't remember!

And why is this mess even existing? All because I was afraid to be who I am.

...I hate this madness...

But...It's history, eh?

Right.

So on to the real reason why I'm making this entry: I REEAAAALLLLLYY love my FanFiction.net Bleach fanfics and want more people to bask in their goodness!! MUEHAHAHAHA!

Seriously having intense Bleach fever, here...

Also, now you know whenever I show stuff under some crazy chit by the name of Jadell Leigh/Lenighma.

And...do a Google search for Lenighma. See what I mean by everywhere?

Countdown...?

The word is my therapist might have a vehicle so we can go by my dad's on Friday to pick up my stuffs (or a good lot of it) to take to the new apartment. If successful, I'll hopefully spend my first night there! You know what song I'll be singing if it does happen...

...Also, there is a possibility I could get an internship at my school, or an internship period. If so, I really have to go hunting for clothes...and shoes; the boots I have now kill my feet with the aggressive way I walk...In fact, I think that's my problem. There's NO grace in my walk. I end up running my footwear ragged...
If I get an internship at school, I'll likely do office work, typing and the like, which is fine; I just want to work, dammit. Twenty years old and I've never worked before...Is that weird...? Feels weird to me...

As for getting a camera, I might have to stick with T2 (my laptop)'s webcam and just make more videos! I wish I could carry a camera around to show more things, but...a camera just doesn't seem to be in my measly budget anymore. Believe me, it's just shy of $100, and that sure as hell isn't enough for a decent camera. Sure, there are cameras under $100, but the reviews are driving me insane! There doesn't seem to be a good compromise anywhere! Some people hate the cameras, some people love them, some had problems with quality, some had none...Where the hell is the middle opinion?! So no. Either I get a miracle during Black Friday/Cyber Monday as I did when I got T2, or I'll just stick with his (T2's) webcam, as I said.

Yes. I name my technology.

And yes. They are all males. T2, full name T2.L(EGACY), is named after my dear 2007 Windows XP desktop, Tron. So T2's name stands for "Tron II point legacy", as I bought him in 2010 during the time the second Tron movie came out! It worked perfectly! HAHA.

*Cough* Right. Yeah. No camera. Mm hm..

What now...?

There's something nagging me. It's been nagging me...for...a very long time (would say "forever", but that's only based upon what I can remember). Two things.

One...I really, truly hate my voice. With a passion. I've sounded like this since I was twelve, dammit. And I do mean that. Oh...the horrors. I swear I don't even recognize my own voice. It just doesn't sound like me, how I hear myself in my head. I've just had to deal with it, but it's obviously not working...

Two, and this is the thing that annoys me to no end...

Oh, hail no..

I'M TOO DAMN FEMININE!

I don't even have to try and I am! Not in walking, not that I think so, anyway. My walk is kind of aggressive on average, even when wearing heels, which is why I can't wear stilettos even if I was a fan of them.

Seriously, I hate this was a passion. Even without my hijab on, I look too feminine. I don't even look remotely androgynous (at least, not to me). Maybe I need makeup. Maybe I need different lighting. Maybe I need to see what I look like without wearing a hijab (and by that I mean in public, like looking in a store mirror). But for crying out loud...

...Yeah. I need to start getting a full-night's sleep. I have bags under my eyes. I'm a night owl, you see. A horrible, horrible night owl. I'm talking six, seven AM. And THEN going to sleep. Half the day is gone. Nothing gets done...

...but that's the best time for me in the world...

And so. Thus I end up with a face like this:

What're you lookin' at?

It's a sad, sad face.

...So. What now?

I know, I know...Hormones. But I don't think it's going to do me any good. I wouldn't mind being a man, but...for now I feel and want to be more masculine. If there was some non-surgery way to become a man, hell, sign me up. But because surgery is the only way...I don't feel comfortable with that. Okay, so then I'm stuck with my own body. Well, gee, then if there was some way to get my voice changed and looking more masculine, including body structure, by taking hormones or something without having to worry about certain other things that'll inevitably come with taking hormones, I'd be hopin' for it in the future in a heartbeat. At least that way I could make my transition easier...One day more like a man, another day more like a woman...Because, dammit, men are damn beautiful when they dress like women or even wear makeup! Even with beards!!

...Ah, well. Just had to let that out...

In the meantime, that damned first chapter of part three of my Bleach fanfic series has been uploaded onto FF.net...

...

...Though it's technically not mine...It's Eve's...which means...erm...it's ours...



I need to figure this thing out. Go with what feels best, yeah...I'll figure that out, don't worry....

Alice, darkly...

My AAIW story...It's technically Eve's...erm, which, uh, technically means it's...ours...
...
You get it...

I wanted to show some excerpts, since I love it so much, but...erm...I'm always afraid of people stealing my prose online. But because I'm glad someone has taken an interest in PSY and AiW, I'm going to go with this blurb that I dream to be on the back of the book one day...if not a better version of it...

Before I show 'em, I just wanna say a few words about AAIW. Firstly, it is one of the few books I had added to my Universal Library, as I call it, before I had even read it. I haven't even done that to Dracula (still haven't read it, either...). I only read it for the first time...two years ago. But by then I had already started writing my own AAIW story because of how...*seethes*...pissed off...I was at Tim Burton's movie. OH, that movie had SO MUCH potential! The only thing I don't really complain about it Depp's awesome (but not even NEARLY Mad enough!) Hatter and the Cheshire Cat!

Thus began the Alice Tale, which is what I call my AAIW when I'm not using its initials, AiW. You see, I have an obsession with the idea of a dark, horrifying AAIW story, which is what I was hoping Burton would do. As for American McGee's Alice...Let me put it straight: it looks very, very pathetic on my scale of awesomeness. I've seen a lot, okay? Screenshots, videos, gameplay...Not interesting. Not even in the slightest. Scary? Yes, in its way; more visually than anything, but nothing near what I desire. I want visuals and you glancing around in spine-tingling, but mind-fucking horror. So it's not the gore I want...it's suggestions and psychological implications. Double-meanings...etc. Xanthic's Wonderlost Project is, however, somewhat and very slightly similar to some of the things I imagine with the characters thus far (being less actual scary, but more of the double-meaning and whatnot) but unfortunately...that's just character artwork and nothing else...It leaves so much to be desired...

Let's not, however, talk about some of the most amazing and definitely dark/horrific AAIW fanart I've seen on places like...oh...deviantART...Why don't these people ever make stories for their artwork...?

So AiW is my answer for all that every other AAIW has lacked. If you know of any other dark/horror AAIWs out there, do please tell me about 'em!

So here's the blurb for my first book, before AiW, abbreviated as PSY...

And here's the first blurb for AiW itself.

Meh. I can't channel whimsy to save my life...Like I said, these are just first version blurbs. I purposely made the title of the second book similar to AAIW (AiW). 

Anyway, this is for you, Dismantlynn...

Sigh

...Just a few random...generally uninteresting and morose words from Mei...

I don't even know why I'm writing this; this blog here's been clear from such blab shit, as I call it, for a while, now...

So I finally got around to talking to my brother about me leaving soon. He's personally fine with it; he said himself that he's seen this coming for a while now, that this is something he's known I've wanted for years. He just doesn't know how the whole showdown with our parents is going to go, either...
...I've got an awesome brother, I do...

I was supposed to go see the apartment (again) today, but didn't, and that's okay. I just...really...really want to be there now. Living there. Decorating...Finding a damned job...I admit I am impatient. I just want to begin my journey. Is that so much to ask for?

...Looking at Tumblr is a bad idea. All it does is make me sad...

At the library...wasting time...
One of the main reason's I'm in this pose is so that my elbow presses the button

I want to buy a camera, a real camera, unlike the one I use now from my laptop. Once I'm on my own, I'd like to start chronicling everything and make my own Tumblr, maybe. Can someone please recommend some good brands/models to get for video and digital pictures? It'll be my first buy...

I looked over some old 2004 - 2007 journal entries I wrote, both via my computer (2007) and handwritten. I seemed so damned...happy back then, for even the dumbest things. Then the very next year, everything suddenly spiraled down so quickly...I have those journals, too, from 2008 and 2009, the worst years in my life. What happened? Has it really only been less than five years that I've struggled with my depression? It feels as if it's been so much longer, especially since I'm still going through it now...The signs may have been sooner than even I think, but, whatever. It feels strangely disgusting at how carefree I was back then...especially when I was 12...

I found out about the Butterfly Project today, thanks to good ol' Gut (Joji Viktor Grey; yes, I call him Gut). Honest to God, I was thinking about picking up cutting once I got on my own, or at least really soon...but not for the reasons you think. At least, not all the time. I don't know. I don't promote self-mutilation due to depression or what have you, but...I have no problem with self-mutilation because you just happen to like it, and I do believe there is a difference...I'll elaborate on this one day...

Yeah. So I'm off, now...going to leave the library soon, get some bubble tea...and then go back home...Whee. And I'm literally slaving over this Bleach fanfic series I'm working on...

Random. Random, random: did I ever mention how much I FUCKING LOVE watching synchronized headbanging?! Been watching GazettE/Satyricon/whatever the hell else I can get my hands on music videos on YouTube...♥ *Siiiiiigh* I wanna play guitar....so badly...