Wednesday, October 3, 2012

What now...?

There's something nagging me. It's been nagging me...for...a very long time (would say "forever", but that's only based upon what I can remember). Two things.

One...I really, truly hate my voice. With a passion. I've sounded like this since I was twelve, dammit. And I do mean that. Oh...the horrors. I swear I don't even recognize my own voice. It just doesn't sound like me, how I hear myself in my head. I've just had to deal with it, but it's obviously not working...

Two, and this is the thing that annoys me to no end...

Oh, hail no..


I don't even have to try and I am! Not in walking, not that I think so, anyway. My walk is kind of aggressive on average, even when wearing heels, which is why I can't wear stilettos even if I was a fan of them.

Seriously, I hate this was a passion. Even without my hijab on, I look too feminine. I don't even look remotely androgynous (at least, not to me). Maybe I need makeup. Maybe I need different lighting. Maybe I need to see what I look like without wearing a hijab (and by that I mean in public, like looking in a store mirror). But for crying out loud...

...Yeah. I need to start getting a full-night's sleep. I have bags under my eyes. I'm a night owl, you see. A horrible, horrible night owl. I'm talking six, seven AM. And THEN going to sleep. Half the day is gone. Nothing gets done...

...but that's the best time for me in the world...

And so. Thus I end up with a face like this:

What're you lookin' at?

It's a sad, sad face.

...So. What now?

I know, I know...Hormones. But I don't think it's going to do me any good. I wouldn't mind being a man, but...for now I feel and want to be more masculine. If there was some non-surgery way to become a man, hell, sign me up. But because surgery is the only way...I don't feel comfortable with that. Okay, so then I'm stuck with my own body. Well, gee, then if there was some way to get my voice changed and looking more masculine, including body structure, by taking hormones or something without having to worry about certain other things that'll inevitably come with taking hormones, I'd be hopin' for it in the future in a heartbeat. At least that way I could make my transition easier...One day more like a man, another day more like a woman...Because, dammit, men are damn beautiful when they dress like women or even wear makeup! Even with beards!!

...Ah, well. Just had to let that out...

In the meantime, that damned first chapter of part three of my Bleach fanfic series has been uploaded onto


...Though it's technically not mine...It's Eve's...which's ours...

I need to figure this thing out. Go with what feels best, yeah...I'll figure that out, don't worry....


  1. My bro is a trans-man with similar thoughts as yours regarding androgyny and body image.

    Personally, I've never much identified with the male/female gender shit.

    Like, so a man in a dress is attractive, right, the gender bending itself is aesthetical, but isn't that a little pretentious? I mean, once you break down the social conventions that say that men wear pants and women were skirts, does it really matter who wears what?

    At your age though, it is all about dress and cosmetics, and what your clothing and accessories tell the world about you.

    But once you hit 25 or so, you start to realize that fashion is one thing and one thing alone: utilitarian novelty. Anything other than that is pretense.

  2. Your glasses frames are very curvy, perhaps a more rectangular frame would bring your look closer to the hazy middle? Of course, with hijab, everything looks feminine. It's just a girly silhouette.

    I've seen femininity coaches for trans women (to teach mannerisms, etc), so there's probably the equivalent to teach masculine stuff. Maybe YouTube has something for you. If nothing else, there are voice coaches.

  3. Hey, I hate my voice too! It sounds... masculine when it's recorded. Sometimes I wish I had a much more suitable voice or no voice at all.
    But that would suck because I would not be able to talk to people.
    Oh, flaws, flaws, flaws.

  4. I think the more you pay attention to how feminine/masculine you think you appear, the less natural it well end up, which will mean more things you pick up on as not right, and therefore more self-consciousness over it, etc. as a vicious cycle of self-dissatisfaction . Don't over analyse yourself. If you fluctuate in how masculine to feminine you are, - or butch to femme as in my case - let the fluctuations happen without trying to second-guess yourself, otherwise you will end up trying to be something because now you're masculine, or now you're feminine rather than letting your inner self, fluctuations and all, come through. Don't try to present these facets of your inner self, they will show through on their own anyway.

    Butch and femme are terms I see used less these days, but capture the nuances of less girly womanhood where "masculine" and "feminine" seem to set up a binary dichotomy which don't suit my personal being. When I am, like today, certainly not adhering to a traditional female gender role and doing a lot of things considered masculine, I don't feel that in my opinion this is me being male it is just me being more butch as a woman. Anyway, getting on a tangent, this isn't about me.

    My figure is (these days) quite curvy. I used to be tall (still am, lol) and scrawny and boyish. To begin with, once I got curves I lamented that my obviously "womanly" body would mean people would perceive me a certain way, make certain assumptions about my personality and interests, have certain expectations of how I will behave and react, try and objectify me etc. and got very stressed out over this, and wished for smaller boobs, narrower hips, and better shoulders (I still want the better shoulders :P). I went as far as considering a a chest compression vest and deliberately dressing to disguise my curves, (and have even cross-dressed) but these days I've come to accept that people make assumptions about me regardless of what I look like, so I might as well just stuff caring about how I'll get perceived. My life is not about how others perceive me, it's about what I am doing.

    check out this dudes site hes a man showing anyone can wear anything and he has a rocking wardrobe, i am female and always feel to manly so i guess we all have the same problems just different way, when you figures out how the hell to deal with it please let me know, i love reading all your rants, you say all the crap i want to, just cant, good luck

  6. For me since I hate girly stuff I would stick with button downs and hoodies and no tight jeans.