I've done more thinking/soul-searching and research and have realized what I really want to do.
Let's start this from the beginning...
Witchcraft and I
I've had an interest in witchcraft since I was very young. Now, the Qur'an pretty much lumped anything that wasn't Abrahamic under the category of Pagan and any sort of craft related to spellwork was automatically labeled "witchcraft". As a child, I, naturally, shunned these things because of what I was taught.
However, I grew interested in witchcraft through what I saw in the media, admittedly.
Anything witchcraft-related interested me. I honestly wasn't afraid, at least I don't remember so.
As they do in the media, I had no idea that there was a separation of the different types of spiritual practices. Everything was Pagan and lumped under witchcraft.
Later on, I came to realize most of what people actually mean and say when they imagine witchcraft is Eurocentric, "Western" witchcraft.
Came to find out recently that I don't like that...
...for myself.
It really isn't for me.
No, what I want is African spirituality. That's what I've wanted from the beginning but I completely forgot about it!! Now, that's not to say I still don't want to have ocean-related...hmm...not sure what the word is. But I still have such a strong connection to the ocean.
I just don't want to get into witchcraft anymore.
African spirituality and I
This isn't completely new to me, to be honest. It's rather sad, now that I think about it...
The story starts when I was young, too, with my grandfather. He had idols in his living room, or what looked like idols; what they actually were, I'm not sure. My parents called them idols. He had African masks on his walls. I was curious about them, but my parents told me they were Haram and we couldn't even pray in the living room because of them.
...I think he might have even taken them down because of us. If he did, that makes me sad...
Maybe ever since, I never felt connected to my African roots. Never had an interest in it.
As I entered my early 20s and saw everyone I knew who was black talking about their African roots in some way or form, I felt a bit...ashamed? Off? I don't know. Maybe I felt like I was missing something. I still felt disconnected and was technically okay with it, but I noticed that disconnect a bit more and was curious about it.
Now, I'm...lost. I want to get in touch with myself, and that includes my African roots. I need to embrace all of myself. I want to connect with...perhaps...the part of those roots I can grasp onto.
I'll still be myself. I doubt I'll ever take on the...*sigh* the "look", for instance, that comes with most people who take on their ancestral roots. I will still be me at the end of the day...
Or so I think now. I'm ignorant of who I will become at the end of this journey.
Perhaps I shall transform and be at peace with that...
I don't know.
Well...to conclude. I am lost.
I've always questioned my spirituality.
I've wondered what my purpose in life is.
Is there more to my life to this?
Who am I?
I look for enlightenment...purpose. Connection.
And if connecting to my ancestry does that, I'm all for it. I'll be more than happy. I want it.
I'm not sure if that's the "right way" to put it.
But I know what my intentions are.
