Here I am, once again

Another Friday night. These days are tiring...

Did I mention I have a job, now? Yeah. I work in the produce department of Edge of the Woods, a whole foods market here in CT. Yeah. Glad as I am to be making money every week...as I work on the weekends for a total of sixteen hours...I just...won't get into details at how repetitive and...painfully boring my job is. Nope. Not doing it. Nope, nope, nope...
...because I could be at it for a long time.

Was an intern for almost a whole year, from December of last year to October of this year, and...my job never changed. Heck, in fact, in the beginning, I did a bit more then than I do now. Somewhat. I just have more free reign, now.

Okay, I know. I know. I'm complaining.

But, damn. I can't take this much longer...not with where I am right now. I will truly go insane, I swear...


Yeah, and in other news, nothing's changed. Except for more chaos when it comes to my fucking roommate and now even a new downstairs neighbor.

I'm just trying to keep this thing updated...

...which I am doing a very poor job at...

Ah, but I was told about a woman who is a counselor for gender-related issues (hell if I know what the proper term might be) and...eh...cultural issues...

...

...My vocabulary has dwindled severely, okay...? I can't count how many brain cells I must have lost in the past weeks.

Mercy.

As for sharing things...

...Well, clearly, I already have some of my images up on my Tumblr (link to the far lower left). But I'm talking about...eh, things with words, I suppose you could say. So I was thinking about some of the documents I have, specifically this one with enigmatic blurbs, if you will, of some of my Tales.

Buh, must I explain what Tales are again...?

How about this...

So I have a wiki. Seems like you can make a wiki for just about anything, really, and what I've done is actually worth a wiki, not some bullshit disorganized poster boy. I don't think I ever mentioned it before, but I've been working on a huuuuge project since 2006. Blah, blah, it's all explained on the wiki.

Go for it. Image is a link.

Project DeVepedia

...You back? Didn't get lost, did ya?

So I'm thinking about putting some more info about the demos of Tales online...But...where?

And then there was Mar | 2013 Update

Well, look at what was unearthed. A being in the form of a immature, pathetic human...Poor thing.

Yeah, so lo and yo. It's me, whatever my name is. I know no one's reading this, so I'll just take this time to rant nice and loudly to myself. Why the hell am I doing this...? I assure you, I have over 200 pages of a personal document dedicated to six years of ranting that I will never show to the public. This, here, is more like...

...well, hell if I know.

So let's just get this out of the way. If you never knew before, I'm suicidal. I've been suicidal since 2008. Yeah, blah, blah, therapy, medication, shit. Stemming from this, there's been a lack of...interest and energy. And brain cells, in personal opinion. Generally, my interests haven't changed in the slightest. It's just...more so giving time for my interests, either too much or too little, and...hell, I don't know to even think straight, okay? Like I said...them brain cells seem to be ditching me.

I moved out of my dad's place around this time last year, exactly. I've been living with a bitch of a housemate since then and have lost what may as well be $1000 worth of my things as well as actual money because of her and because of sheer unluckiness. 

• 2 brand new Nintendo Wii systems
• 1 brand new iPad 2
• 2 rings
• 2 pairs of awesome round sunglasses, one that was particularly Burtonesque
• A pair of pants that I needed
• A secondhand vest that was a fucking steal and imperative for my wardrobe
• $125
• $60
• My bat cross necklace

And more that I can't remember because I was an idiot and didn't make a complete list of what I lost when I lost it like the dumbass I am.

I got a job about three weeks ago in a health food store, but shit, man, I'm surrounded by dumbass assholic men who smoke, drink, and all do drugs. I'm like an alien in compared to them. AT A HEALTH FOOD STORE. And. Spiders.

I can't finish a story to save my fricking life. I've been writing since before I knew how to write and still have the incomplete stories I made up over a decade ago, not because I don't work on them, but because I can't get shit out of my head! Even my fucking psychiatrist doesn't understand it! 

On that note, I have a plethora of stories I'd like to tell but have no one here to tell. I completely lack a social life to the very meaning of the word and all of my four of my only friends are either not here or I've never met them. Though they are very good friends, they don't like 90% of the things I like.

...

You might know just how frustrating that is. And don't get me started on my family.

Fuck, listen, I'm out of time, here, and I want to put this up. I'm lost, okay? Lost. I spend every day doing nothing and literally, literally spend hours sitting on my bed doing nothing. Not because I don't want to do anything, but...well, hell if I know why! Fucking medication isn't working, no one seems to be listening to me about that, I have no more fucks to give, and why the hell can't I just have one thing, one simple desire fulfilled when it doesn't cost a goddamn thing? 

All I want to do is finish a story.

I just want to finish one of my fucking stories.

I just want to freely write again.

But fine, I get the memo. Just like the deal with the Wiis, I'll just deal with the fact that it isn't going to be happening anytime soon.

Doesn't fucking help that I'm bloody paranoid at night. I think they are creeping about every-fucking-where, even under my bed, for fuck's sake. That's definitely new bloody territory. Never, ever, not even when I was a kid, did I think jack shit was under my bed. 

All and all, I hate this year.

The end.

I'm confused

...But ain't that just completely normal, eh?

I am, after all, a confused person.

So here's what's going on. At the moment. I mean the very moment, otherwise...it'd be a million asinine things.

I'm still wondering if I should really put my stuff online...but I need a place to put my images, too. Okay, so deviantART, hell, even Tumblr sounds like a good idea in the beginning...but I'm not so sure, anymore, only because there are (or seem...to...be?) so many options.

Don't mind how strange that sounds.

At the moment, I'm uploading little things like this to my Tumblr:

This is a preview of something I'm working on, right now...a fanfiction, if you will. I...don't seem to have such an issue with uploading images since I can slap watermarks all over them, but...I still need a "hub" for them, you know.

deviantART still seems like a good idea...so...maybe so...

...

Why am I making this again...?

OH THAT'S RIGHT.

I need to frigging update this damned blog.

Right then, onto the boring stuff...


Never in my life have I felt so useless and meaningless. On second thought...maybe that's a lie. It likely is. But I can't remember, anyways. I have a very bad habit of living in the moment, and not in a good way.

I want to draw. I really do. But...strange as this sounds, I don't know how to start. My body...simply...doesn't respond like that. I honestly...truly...don't know why this isn't as simple as it is...

Writing? Don't get me started. You've no idea how much I desire to get these stories out of my head!!!

I'm focusing on my Kingdom Hearts Fever right now (a "Fever" is my definition of an intense and irrational obsession with something), and from this, I've reexamined my KH fanfiction The World That Never Should. It's a great story, it really is, and yet...I can't start it. Goodness' sake, I first wrote it seven years ago, and that seemed so easy! TWTNS is a demo for my Kingdom Hearts Tale, nothing has to be written in stone! It's just a demo, Mae! Come on, you know this...

...That's Eve's job...

...Bah. I really don't know why I have internet accounts. You, if you're reading this, are likely wondering the same. I've nothing to "donate" to the internet world, nothing to truly showcase or...contribute. Yes, contribute is the word, not donate. I've nothing. I am merely an aspiring and pathetic dreamer with severe illusions of grandeur.

I will start to act as if no one has any interest in what I have to upload to the internet. Maybe that way...I will be less afraid to just...do things. Rant, bitch, moan...whatever. Maybe I would then become more interesting...to...someone...

Why does this matter at all?

Because I'm lonely.

That's it in a nutshell. I'm lonely on many levels in many ways, too many ways, and I am sad and tired.

I'm confused.

I wonder if I should only have a Tumblr...

...I don't know.

That's my motto, you know.

I don't know.

So...very random, it is late, early, what have you, and...I need to try to continue working on TWTNS and what have you and maybe upload some things to dA and maybe debate on whether or not many of my old internet accounts are even worth keeping up anymore.

Don't mind me.

That's it

I'm outta here. This blog is going to be shut down.

BUT HOOOLD UP, people.

There's a reason...

First and foremost, from what I gather about the way to make a good blog, I don't...eh...I don't have a good blog. Not just because I don't post very often...I just...don't.

Let's be honest, here.

I complain a lot. I...am not the type of person who will do blog roundups, and favorite posts from other blogs and what have you, or offer challenges...or things like that. I don't have the means to. Maybe in the (far) future.

Also, I'm not in any stable mental condition to make good blog entries. It's come to a point now that I've realized I would much rather die in any given second than deal with the possibility of having all that I would like to have (or a lot of it) in the near or distant future. I don't care. I don't.

Third, living hurts. It takes every ounce of energy to get out of bed, every day. I dread tomorrow. I dread the weekends, especially, because I work on the weekends. I mean it when I say dread. I have anxiety attacks, racing against time to get something done or have something worth looking forward to on Monday, cry and moan when I can do nothing but sit at home, look at the clock and shake with that building horror swelling in my chest. I wish I could explain it better...

True DREAD.

I'm not just spitting words, here.

Yes. I have medication. It even increased just recently. And it isn't working.

As for my therapist, let's just say I'm sick of her and hope to get someone else.
...Not that I really care...

Yesterday, I spent a good fifteen to thirty minutes looking from a sharp edge to my left, my medication in front of me, and the blank wall to my right. What was I going to do to get rid of myself? What was I going to do to end this torture I do to myself? What was the quickest way Out? Cut, overdose, or just bang my head against the wall until I give myself a concussion or something?

Lastly...I don't like this blog, even to look at. My old entries...disgust me.

I'm not that person, anymore...

Hell, I don't know who I am...

So...I'm going to delete this blog. Copy the old entries, I guess...and then delete it.

So if anyone still wants to deal with lil' ol' pathetic Mae, though I can't fathom why you would, you're welcome to trod over to my new blog, where I currently just plan to...do...something...

I'll give it a week.

...Saia.

A little something-something...

Yo.

Just thought I'd drop in, make a new entry...(this is also slightly edited and copied on my new blog...)

First and foremost, if you don't know, I'm currently using my new blog over here (don't worry about the warning, I'll make use of it eventually...). I'm also using my Tumblr every now and then, when I actually have something to upload...and, ah...so here's what's been going on...

Nothing's changed, I'm afraid, when it comes to how my life's been. Still drifting in this existence...but I don't want this entry to be about that.

I want to focus on...my projects. I've been saying this, to myself, for years, now. Somehow I'd like to make true to what I'm saying, this time. But I need help.

I read somewhere about the power of feedback. It's a powerful thing, feedback. And in my case...it is greatly needed. It may just be the lifeblood of my stories, my ideas...but I don't know for sure, considering I don't have...an audience. Here at home, I have no one to show my stories to. The stories I write, the ideas I have...they're not for the faint of heart. And I do mean that. I write about taboo, about gore and vore, fetishes and more...No one here wants to know of that shit. Hell no. Don't get me started on pedophilia, ephebophilia, and hebephilia. Oh, no, no no.....

So I've been contemplating on something.

Since...quite literally, I don't have any stories to show...save a few old fanfiction I'm not so proud of or newer fanfiction I don't like at all...I've been thinking of sharing...information. Obviously, this would relate to my stories. Maybe even my projects. I don't know...

It's an idea.

The only thing I'm worried about is...well...having my things safe from plagiarizers and such. It's the internet world. Anyone could just take something and no one would be the wiser. Worst yet, it's literature. Words. Easily stolen and twisted and...vulnerable. If I could only be assured my things were copy righted...My ideas...they're all I have and are very precious to me. At the same time, I'm desperate for an audience. Seriously. I'm desperate, here.

...Any suggestions? Insight? Help, maybe? Please...?

Echo post: sharing some stories

Lo.

I like the general idea of "showcasing" stories and gaining an audience, in our case, by what we already have instead of an actual story. In fact, it would likely be best for Mary and I work on things that aren't as easy to steal from, or things that are more like fanfiction. This means the Tales, of course. However, we are going to keep the fine details out of the descriptions and authors' notes, such as the connections to PHE...

...I will say this much, though. I don't trust you people; you, the internet world. Not in the slightest. There are bastards out there, the type of bastards I despise...Thieves. Plagiarizers. That is the last thing Mary and I need right now. It's bad enough of the things we've shared about Project DV. In fact...I fear that we've already set ourselves up for a shitload of  plagiarizing...

How in the world does one protect their ideas and stories in the online world? 

Continue reading if you want to read my personal rant directed at my dear counterpart...

There are times when I wonder why Mary can't think things through before making entries like her most recent one...

So I shall lay it out for you, Mae.

The Prose Division exists for a reason, doesn't it? There are at least three locations for it online:

• LiveJournal as a community
• deviantART, no longer as a group, but there is our lovely old UnseenARTS
• FictionPress

And this is just for starters.

Are you seriously thinking of making yet another pointless online account when you haven't even utilized the ones we already have? 

If it were necessary to create another Tumblr, it would likely be for Project DV-related works, which covers all of anything we plan to work on in the future as it is. Am I not right?

I want to share some stories...

Yo. So I'm thinking of making either a Tumblr or Facebook account for my original...ideas. I know that sounds strange. Why the hell would you do that, Mae? Your ideas could be stolen. Not to mention how strange it is to have all of the developmental stages of your pride and glory out for alll the world to see. That stuff is normally kept hidden and (secret, safe) away from all prying eyes until, perhaps, after the work is actually complete.

I know. The only reason why this has even entered my mind is because of the age of technology we live in. Otherwise, I'd probably be perfectly content with keeping all of my little secrets and such to myself.

Or maybe...not.

You see, I'm a writer. I am. Author. Artist. Dreamer. Et cetera. But I have nothing to show for my years of writing. Nothing...concrete, that is. I have other things. Information documents, chronicles of the many years or days or weeks or months or however long I've worked at my stories with no avail. Character profiles, character information...Things like that. I'm proud of those, yes, but they'll never counter my disappointment of being unable to complete a story and the world my characters can thrive in.

...I also desire to gain some interest in my stories and ideas, since...that's not really possible otherwise. I don't write stories I can actually show to anyone...except maybe one or two people...

I'm curious. And starving for an audience. That is my fuel. An audience.

So...what's the consensus?

In other news, I have my Tumblr as well...

I'm into Steam Powered Giraffe. Hilarious band, I tell you. Nice mental imagery. Casual, calm, and fun to listen to during the day. Listened to them practically all day yesterday and the day before while cleaning my room.

Also two new decks.

And...Digi's Splendorman.

Innocent Curiosity by *Arvara from deviantART

Fuck yeah.

Also...Happy World Goth Day.

An Introduction: Stage Three

Yo. In case you were lucky enough to have never read my first blog, the name's Mar. I'd prefer it that you call me Mar or Mareonet ("ma-ray-o-nay"). I'm a complicated, diverse youngster and I consider myself part of many alternative subcultures. This is my second blog, a sort of rant chronicle of my my stage three, which is hopefully a hella lot more interesting than my stage two. What do I mean by stages, you ask?

My first stage, stage zero, was doing what every child does: what they're told. I believed what I was told. I did what I was told. Or in other words, I was simply that. A child. Innocent, for the most part, and my little heart untainted. My stage one was the stage of rebellion and figuring out what my likes and dislikes are, but still pretty much too afraid to break out of my protective mold as much as I wanted to, around ages ten to fifteen. Stage two was when I was beginning to travel on the road to my ultimate dreams and who I really want to be, not what others say I should be, believing what I believe to be truth...yet conflicted between myself(s). I was hesitant to dare to do things. That lasted from around age fifteen to nineteen. And now, the beginning of stage three is me daring to be who I am....whoever, that is, I actually am.

I hope for the stage after this to be me on that road to my ultimate dream and already knowing I am indeed who I want to be and no one will change that. I don't care how much someone doesn't like it...

To end this rather strange intro, welcome to my stage three. I'm a ranter, so a lot of entries will still be rants and vents, and interests and shit, but hopefully this blog will include more pictures and bits of my everyday doings instead of what's on my mind.

...But I doubt that.

New Year...new blog

...So it's 2013. Originally, A Dark Mind in Dark Times was...weird. I look back on entries from 2011 and I cringe. I don't know about myself, anymore...

So I've decided, to hell with this. I don't know what I'm going to do with this blog, and I don't know where it is going. I haven't had the chance to go back on all of those entries with my pictures on them, and I don't...I just...
I don't even know how to freaking explain myself. There has to be a word for my inability to do so...

Don't mind me. I'm just pissed off after having a week and a half of school missed because I got sick for that entire duration and now I have to do an essay in which I'm pulling blanks for.

...Anyway...
That means...Stage Three comes sooner than expected after all.

Seriously, people. I'm pulling at straws, here. Originally, this blog was a place to rant and talk about my love and nature to be in various alternative subcultures, but that was pointless considering...HAHAHA! Right. The focus was then (2011) about my musings, rants and expressions of my hopes and dreams in the (near) future as I went through some hard, dark times in my life, specifically covering what it was like to be so different from the (great majority) of people interested in the alternative subcultures as a woman, African-American and Muslim.

...Riiiight.

Since that has greatly deviated, and...honestly, I don't know why I even did that...let me get this straight.

Dead serious, I don't have a life. Not like that, anyway. Not in the way someone would call it "life", not to me. I exist. Every day is monotonous, endless repeat, with even the same meals and very little variation in-between. That is...a typical life, I know, but...nothing worth repeating every day. And et cetera, et cetera...

The few things in my life that do have variation are my interests, the things that happen in my mind, and the music I love and greatly adore to the very meaning of the word; practically worship, for crying out loud. But there is very little to practically nothing I can do to express my desires and likes...

...It's painful...Floating like this...

The reason why I want to make a Stage Three blog is...pretty much to start over. I don't know what I will do with this blog...I might just keep it up. I might even keep my old pictures up. I don't know. Seriously, no clue.

This is the story of my life. I am clueless.

I've also started a new Hot Blood regime. I think I mentioned the Hot Bloods before...Not sure. 2011 was my Hot Blood Workout. So far, it is the second most successful Hot Blood regime. Last year was the Hot Blood Overdrive, the first most successful HB regime. And...I have yet to start the 2013 Hot Blood Overdose. I meant to start it today, but...this whole year, 2013, has already been...the worst year in my life in a long time...

So...onwards to Stage Three: The Dark, Daring Experimental Days, a.k.a. Double-Daring and Damning myself. And who the hell is "Maryam"?

I'll be making my first entry whenever the hell I manage. Still not doing too well with access to the Internet, guys. You have no idea what that is doing to my psyche. I have nothing to do at home except listen to music, clean, or try (emphasis on TRY) to do work, both my own and school work...

Eh. I'm bitching again...

Life in the school culture

...Don't mind the title; I'm at school, that's all.

Second day of school after a long weekend of work. Man. I feel just like...well...a college student. 

Yesterday, my dad took my family out to a restaurant. Even my mother. To say it was nearly a disaster is...just my opinion. Arguments, the usual things we all hate, exhaustion and my poor older brother on the sidelines. And really crappy food; the tea was the only redeemer. Of course...the focus of our lovely family night, after simply arguing why the hell my little brother wasn't looking his best...was on me. Oh, yes. Let's attack Maryam, since she decided to make that godDAMNED post on Facebook!!! I'm not even getting into it. The rest of the dinner, I was just too disgusted, almost, to say much else. To say I was pissed doesn't even begin to explain. And it doesn't help there was a mention to "at least [I'm] not getting a sex change!", which means it will indeed be difficult to explain anything related to gender...even to my mom, as she was the one who made the comment to my father. The only one in my family who has even the slightest idea of my identity...and...gender...ah...situation, is my older brother. And I'm only guessing this. I really only hope...

So let's talk about something else. 

I've been doing some experimentation with my dress, as of late. Very slight experimentation, as...there isn't much to experiment with...but I've been having some fun. Today my dress is rather feminine, though shit like that is irrelevant. Unfortunately, I am at school and don't feel like lugging my iPad into the bathroom to take an awkward bathroom picture (there's no mirror big enough, anyway...or maybe I'm just making excuses...), but I'm wearing pants under a skirt without sides (flaps, if you will) and a long navy blue sleeveless sweater over a long-sleeved shirt. Of course, the pants, skirt and shirt are black. In fact, I'm currently in the cafetteria, wondering if I should spend some of the very little bit of money I have with me on lunch, even though I brought my own lunch from home. In a classic brown paper bag.

...Hmm...

It's snowing, by the way...Bloody hell...

Right, so I made a Tumblr account, one I will rarely do anything with due to my lack of internet access. I want to post naughty NSFW pictures of the many I favorited or whatnot, but...like I said...Internet..Eh, so far all I've posted are things related to DMC anyway, as I'm currently obsessed over it. I'm going to try to take some pictures at home to upload when I DO get online, but so far I've been forgetting to do that...

Ah, well.

Passed the 60 mark with followers!! Wow, everyone. Thanks. :)

This blog is a mess

I never got around to editing this blog, as I said I would...but jeez louise. This blog is a mess. I don't know where to start. I feel like just going "hell with it" and making another blog for stage three after all.

So many posts I either completely disagree with, have different views on now...or...I just want to get rid of because I don't know what I was thinking/wonder why the hell I even made said post.

It's a new year. Sure, I have resolutions...most of which never get done...And I really want to start drawing again. It's all Devil May Cry's fault. I'm working on this stupidly large DMC fanfiction project (realize I said project) with elements from Spawn, Resident Evil, Silent Hill, and The Crow, and my desire to draw has re-emerged since...well, if I can't write what I see in my head, can I at least draw it...?

...I'm also hungry. All the time. It's been this way for a while, now. I expend more energy than I consume. I walk...everywhere. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to pick up some money, because...thanks to losing $100...and I know my roommate or one of her "friends" stole it...I have literally spent all of my money on the cheapest alternatives to what I usually buy...For instance, crackers instead of bread...

...Why am I talking about this...?

...I don't even know what to write...

At the library at the moment...

That's not a hat, by the way...I don't know what to call it, but it keep my ears warm.

Trying to quell my DMC obsession and get episodes of the anime from YouTube...but, eh...T2, here, isn't downloading the episodes the way he should be. If only I had the ability to modify his internet settings the way I need to at home...

I created a Tumblr, but...now I'm wondering why the hell I did that. I have absolutely nothing to post. And..I'm barely online as it is...

Thinking of selling my overbust corset, as...an underbust would work better for my future outfits. *Ahem* Not to mention...ah..I don't have a bust. Seriously.

Oh, that?

That's the bra. Not me.

DAMMIT, T2, I WANT THESE EPISODES!!!

...Since looking up more information on the DmC "reboot", I've also considered uploading my rant/cohesive reviews of DMC3, DMC4, and Bayonetta, but...I don't know. If it isn't obvious, I haven't exactly had the most stable mind as of late...I'm everywhere, chaotic...

...and work is taking a lot out of me, but only because I walk there and back...

As usual...nothing to talk about, people.

Still haven't spoken to my brother about leaving Islam and...everything else. But he knows. I know he does. It's a bit awkward...

...As you can see, this post is all over the place. Like my head...