Define: devious

Typed in:

Define:devious

Used dictionary:

Google.com

 Result:

• indirect in departing from the accepted or proper way; misleading; "used devious means to achieve success"; "gave oblique answers to direct questions"; "oblique political maneuvers"
• characterized by insincerity or deceit; evasive; "a devious character"; "shifty eyes"
• deviating from a straight course; "a scenic but devious route"; "a long and circuitous journey by train and boat"; "a roundabout route avoided rush-hour traffic"
• wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
• Deviating; not straightforward, not honest, not frank; not standard
• en.wiktionary.org/wiki/devious
• deviously - in a devious manner; "he got the promotion by behaving deviously"
• wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
• deviousness - the quality of being oblique and rambling indirectly
• wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
• deviousness - The characteristic of being devious; sneakiness; underhandedness
• en.wiktionary.org/wiki/deviousness

Which of these do you think I mean when I use the word "devious"? If you've seen anything related to Project DV, obviously, this word comes up quite often. I've been thinking about it for a little while now...and since I have so many projects in mind and so many things I want to go public in the future...I'm wondering how the general mass will react to my usage of the word "devious". Whatever the reaction, I do admit I'll never change it. It's been the word I've always used.

Devious...

The meanings I use are "indirect in departing from the accepted or proper way", "deviating" and thus "deviating from a straight course".

The word "devious" has always been a favorite word of mine, even before I knew I liked it as much as I do. It's the only reason why deviantART interested me back in 2006...And it sounds strange, and although totally unrelated, but I always associated the word "devious" with mature, serious media and a dark, serious mindset.

So it all began around 2006, like said. I found deviantART and joined it in 2007 (my old accounts have since then been deleted...).  I was hoping dA to be a serious atmosphere sort of place, so I was genuinely disappointed when I realized it was more like...a seriously funny online community. Really, it is. If any thing "devious" about it, they do what no other art community site has done before. I can't even list the things, good and bad.

Since then, I've religiously looked for other online communities with mature and dark atmospheres...and have found none. There was one, but it wasn't what I was looking for. It wasn't nearly dark enough and more focused on Alice in Wonderland the way the first incarnation of Project DV was focused on Halloween. So, no, that won't work. I don't even remember its name...It might not even be around anymore. So, obviously, I've tried to make my own serious (and witty) deviant site, to no avail, via PDV itself. It's gone through too many incarnations over the years...

But "devious". This word is usually used negatively. What is it about this word that interests me and sucks me in the way it does? Honestly, I don't know. If I wanted to be 'chievous about it, I could say because it begins with 'd', the way dark, different and devilish do. I like those words, too, within certain contexts. But I know for sure that's not the real reason. I know once upon a time, the word I always used was "unique". I used to use that word when I was in my tweens. But somehow I stumbled upon "devious" in my early teens and haven't looked back since.

I use the definitions of devious in a sort of rebellious way, taking its meanings of "not standard" and "indirect in departing from the accepted or proper way" to heart. It's like being different, you see. Best thing, like all things I associate with my nature, is just that. It's my nature to deviate. It's my nature to be devious. I don't need to fake or "act like" much of anything, amiss what it seems like sometimes. When I am inspired by another's personality and etiquette, it's because it's a part of me that I never really divulged into, always wanted to, and didn't know how to apply it into the real world. I needed to see an example.

PDV is my life's work, also staring in 2006. Everything I do is to help PDV in some way or another, whether financially or for divisions and subsidiary projects. It is the hub of my deviousness. And it all started because damn ol' deviantART wasn't what I was looking for, so I thank thee. At the moment, it's more of a...work in development...but it has locations online that give plenty of a general idea of what I hope for it to be in the future. At least, I think so.

Related to the word "deviant", I've also used "darkness", as in the darker side of life. I accept and encourage those interested in it to go for it. It's always been a part of who I am, a dark interest. It all started with Halloween, thus the reason why the first incarnation of PDV was Halloween-related.

To this day, Halloween reminds me of how it all began, my true interest in the darker side of life and my realization that I dared to be different. And that started with noticing how different from my peers I was, and of course, still am to this day.

Another definition of devious I use is one I've made up myself. As mentioned further above, I use it to mean something or a person related to darkness, maturity and a serious "atmosphere", all of the things I enjoy but find hard to come upon nowadays. I know there are people like that out there, and I myself aren't always this devious, but it's the general makeup of who I am (...after sarcastic and witty).

I never really noticed it before, but I've taken one word and completely reinvented it to my liking and incorporated it into everything I do. This is why Project DV is my life's work. It was spawned from my love, my nature to deviate. When I think about it, dream about it, I can see a future with me being my devious self like nobody's business and being a strong believer in Islam. Might sound funny, or "wrong", in the same sentence (Islam and devious, that is), but hey. This is me. I reinvented the word.

Be proud. Be devious!

Guess what came in the mail~!

After a strenuous and studious day at school yesterday, I arrived home to find a package waiting for me on my bed. My mom told me...it was my corset I ordered from Corsets-UK!!

Me first corset~!!

I got it for less than $50...$45, in fact; free shipping! And it wasn't expected to come until May 16th or something ridiculous like that, but it came YESTERDAY!! Oh, man. It's so legit. Weighty, you know...and soooo beautiful. It's unbelievably REAL! I'm wearing it right now. I can only wear it at night, unfortunately, since...well...you know. How the hell would I explain it to my dad...?

I do have a few worries, but I think it's just my body. I messed up my insides pretty badly, you know. My kidneys are probably in a bad shape...and...well, I probably shouldn't even be wearing this yet; give my body some time to heal from the shit I did to it, y'know what I mean? But I can't resist....!!! Wore it to bed last night and stood/sat upright effortlessly all day with it off. Awesome.

So. I would post more pics....but...there's not much to show. The second one I took literally looks similar to the first.

Soooo happpyyyyyyy....

And I watched my favorite Beetlejuice scenes today. About...five times. *Ahem* Yes. I am happy. Started watching The Nightmare Before Christmas, but...had to stop since my dad came home. *Sigh* Oh, WAIT!! I can watch my DVDs on my laptop!!!

OH YEAH!!

Quoth the lyrics flowing through my ears at this very moment, "It's Friday, I'm in love"~!

...This is new...

I'm a person, damn it all

The following is a heated, mindless rant fueled by pent up anger. You have been warned.

Yesterday the strangest, annoying thing happened to me. I'm minding my own business in the school library, just about an hour and a few before it closes, and trying my damned hardest to do my plethora of homework. I have a lot on my mind, mostly self-antagonizing, as well as the fact that the math finals are coming up and there's just so damn much I hate about math and it's all chicken shit scratch to me, and my right wisdom teeth have effectively made the entire right side of my face painful to touch and just overall in pain, not to mention cutting the inside of my cheek. Unfortunately, as I've been told by my mother, brother, father, and even complete strangers who stop me on the street, when I'm in a funk, it shows in my aura and on my face. Unfortunately. So I wasn't even looking in the general direction of this woman sitting at the computer beside me, and she suddenly asks me if I'm having a bad day.

What was I expected to do, lie? So I tell her yes, but blame it aaaall on my teeth and math finals instead. Then she goes into this...um...repetitive talk about how I "am old enough to make my own choices," and that I "am free" and "can be free" and asking if my father was harsh to me that went on for about...fifteen minutes. I swear, if I wasn't raised right...

You get where I'm going at with this? If I wasn't wearing a so glaringly obvious headscarf, this woman probably wouldn't have said anything of this annoyingly "nice" sort. No, it's not "nice" when you talk to someone about their choices in life, much less because of their religion. You have no idea what someone could be going through.

My point is...how I...greatly...desire for people to not look at me and only see a Muslim woman. Because, oh, you know where the mind strays with those two come together. Oppression! Wearing all black! Faces covered! Being beaten by their husband! Having no rights whatsoever!! OH THE AGONY MUSLIM WOMEN MUST GO THROUGH!

Shit, fuck, man. The media is such a reliable tool, isn't it? Oh, and then when you actually see how "normal" Muslims can be, you immediately believe it isn't real! That it's just a ploy against the world and to make people see we can be trusted! So you shut the show down. Bastards.

As much as I love covering my head, and believe me, I do, I can't do this. This isn't helping my mentality at all. And I'd rather not have to feel as if I must prepare myself once I see a person coming towards me for questions, go on the defensive, and grab my mace in case this is a crazy person who won't leave me alone. It has happened to my mother and I. I don't want to have to announce to the entire quarter of a mile that a Muslim woman is truckin' through because they can see my headscarf from that distance.

I don't want to only be seen as a Muslim woman. I want to be seen as just a person. An anomaly, even. Just leave me the fuck alone and stop talking to me about my religion.

Videos are in the works...

...I swear, they are. I think I've mentioned a million times how I want to upload at least one video a week. But...this isn't...WORKING. I will admit, though, most of the holdup, aside from not having a good moment to record, is also because I can't figure out what to talk about. But that old Q&A video I mentioned a while back is dying to be uploaded. I'm just so damn awkward on camera...and I really, really hate my voice and...

Oh, and everyone is free to still ask me questions until...forever! Anything at all. I don't care what they might be, anymore...I also have a Formspring account, so ask me something outrageous.

General update...

Review: Beetlejuice

Who saw this coming?

This is a review of both the movie and the TV series. Warning: this contains a rave (the good equivalent of a rant) of an obsession, making this a VERY LONG and ONE-SIDED FANGIRL POST. You've been warned. M'kay, thanks. 8D

Where should I begin...? The first time I ever heard the name "Beetlejuice" was way back when I was knee-high to Chuck E Cheese, watching the often-repeated 60th anniversary version VHS of Disney's Pinocchio during the movie previews. I remember exactly when the name was said, during the preview of The Nightmare Before Christmas's "What's This?" scene. All at once, I wanted to watch three things: that awesome-looking movie with the moving skeleton man, this strange Beetlejuice movie, and then another called Edward Scissorhands, all three by the same man named...Burton? Hm. Fast forward a few years later in the ol' Hollywood Video store and I saw a movie called Beetlejuice! So I picked it up and asked my mom if we could borrow it...and she said no. Unfortunately, I can't remember what my reaction was to the cover of the movie, but I do remember being told a few years later that it was a comedy.

From Google | The second Burton movie I'd ever heard of!

Now fast forward to last year when the movie came on the ABC Family channel and I finally got my chance to watch it for the very first time (and let's not mention that the first time I saw The Nightmare Before Christmas was only about four years ago...). To be bluntly honest...it was all good and well until that damned Otho took the Handbook for the Recently Deceased! After that, I stopped watching it, feeling cheated that a great movie would fall for such an annoying cliche! But guess what? After that...I felt stupid. You see, I have a bad habit of leaving movies once they become awkward or uncomfortable. In this case, like in many cases, I really wanted to know how the movie ended!! So I lamented over that for a while...

I can't quite remember right now, but I think the next time I saw it was on TV (though that doesn't make much sense right now; I'm just going by what my brother said, that I had seen the first half of the movie, never the rest, and then he saw it with me, but only saw the end half...). I think the obsession started from there, but how, even I don't know. So then I looked up Beetlejuice and nearly hit the roof upon learning there was a TV series that came on during the early 90s!! Immediately, I looked up the series on YouTube and watched as many episodes as possible (still haven't seen them all!!). The stripes. THOSE BOOTS.  DAT CACKLE. I was hooked in mere seconds.

Now fast forward to a month or two ago when, overcome with my obsession (which is rare, very very rare), I went ahead and bought the Beetlejuice DVD! Rarely does an obsession hit me so badly I go ahead and buy something related to it on a whim. But do I regret it? NOOO! For crying out loud, the DVD has THREE episodes of the friggin' TV series on it! Including one of my favorites, Skeletons in the Closet. Beej is just....

*Ahem* Since I've just realized this is more of a rave than a review, I'll get to it: Beetlejuice is a perfect example of good ol' classic Burton goodness. Slightly off the rocker, full of whimsy, a dash of revolting, hints of twisted romance, and twistedly perverted yet somehow lovable old men classic stop motion and puppets to scare the shit out of you. What the hell happened to Burton movies..? Michael Keaton steals the movie as Beetlejuice, and my shock when I discovered way back when that the awesome Batman/Bruce Wayne from Burton's 1989 classic Batman movie and Beej are the same people...was...uh...yeah. It was pretty bad. Took me a while to believe it, as I had seen the Batman movie (strangely, considering its gruesome and very adult content) long before I ever saw Beetlejuice. I think it was his mouth, 'cause it sure as hell wasn't his voice! *Ahem* Back to the point. Every Beetlejuice scene is my favorite scene. I go to YouTube all the time just to watch those scenes...

To be plainly honest, aside from the story, in my opinion, the stealer of the movie is, in fact, Michael Keaton. It's no wonder Keaton himself would love to play Beetlejuice again...so where's that damn sequel, Burton? Keaton's not getting any younger, you know, damn it all!! And where the hell IS Keaton? You never hear of him...

And now, a rave/review of the TV series.

From Google|
The people behind this show are all perverted. Believe me. They are.

Completely deviating from the movie, the Beetlejuice series is more of an off-shot. However, as many fans can agree, there are debates as to if the series takes place after the movie or not. The debates of it being canon are often heated with the additional fact that Burton himself developed and produced it, so it has to be canon, right??

As I said in the caption above...the people behind this cartoon are all perverted. From the history of why Beej's fingertips are red (look it up) to all of the underlying double-meanings, puns, the very friendship between Lydia and the ghost with the most, and of course, imagery that wouldn't be in many a kid's cartoon nowadays.

And most fans, from what I've seen, wouldn't have it any other way, including myself~♥ The fact that this cartoon got away with a Y to Y-7 rating is awesome. How many cartoons nowadays are black comedies? The last one, another favorite (as much as I try to deny it) was The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, right? I think like-minded Burton fans, no matter what age, would love the Beetlejuice cartoon. I know I did. Most 80s 90s shows were enjoyable for all ages, anyway...

Oh...and I want to give major props to Stephen Ouimette for giving cartoon!Beetlejuice such an...AWESOME voice.

*Ahem*...once again, I've noticed that I've paid attention to the character Beetlejuice instead of the cartoon and movie themselves...but...I can't help it. I will say, however, that I prefer cartoon!Lydia over her movie self, and as much as I like Adam, I still can't believe that is...Alec Baldwin. What the frakedy frak frak?

And yes...I've tried to summon Beetlejuice. But if you could summon him...what version would you want? The cartoon version...or his original movie self?

....Me...?

...I would have either, but preferably...uh...well, that's a hard one...

Of body modification

I've mentioned body modification a few times in the past. This time, due to a request of sorts from a very nice reviewer, and my own desire to simply talk about it...this time, I'll touch upon the subject with greater detail...and I mean it this time.

For as long as I can recall when body modification comes up in mind, I always wanted them done. Tattoos...tongue piercing...dying hair...pointing ears...etc, etc...and only within the past two years or so have I become serious about it. I love body mods. I really do. Love the way they look, love what they do to the body, love how they look on a body...but I will admit, I'm scared shitless about getting them done.

Why, you ask? Because I don't know where I could possibly go to get them done by a professional! Yes, absolutely, there are plenty of people in my school who have piercings. But they either did it themselves or got it done from a place called Studio Zee, a rather local piercing and tattoo place. Or so I've been told. I've never seen it.

But that's not going to stop me! Of course, price is the number one thing keeping me from getting them done. That and...getting away with having it. So, like many other things, I will have to keep on truckin' until I get away from home...

As for how piercings are perceived in Muslim society...? Very poorly. Nose piercings and simple lobe piercings are about as far as anyone seems to go. Placing piercings anywhere else is considered devious, not the good type, and "following non-believers", which is oh-so taboo. Since Muslims aren't supposed to alter or "deform" their body, wanting my ears pointed is also a huge no-no. And so is getting a tattoo. Pretty much anything even remotely related to body modification is a great, huge "No". As for why normal nose and lobe piercings aren't looked down upon, my guess is because it was done 1400 years ago, when everything started, so it's nothing "new". Granted, there are plenty of cultural things looked down upon, but for some reason, those two aren't, whether they originally be cultural or not.

Obviously, I haven't done much research for this post. I don't find it necessary, as I'm sure I just summed it up top "No, body modification is not allowed". But is that going to stop me from doing so in the (near?) future? Like my gender identity and lifestyle choices....no, it's not going to stop me from being me.

From Google | So true

The real reason I do what I do, or hopefully will do, is simple. I simply refuse to obey something that makes no sense to me. So I'm human; I have a difficult time blindly following something, no matter what it's source, if I can't understand the reasons why. Yes, I do consider myself a Muslim amiss all of the things I'm not doing or not doing enough of. I hope and pray things will improve, but I'm not going to force things on myself, especially since I don't feel comfortable doing them right now.

So all of this about body modification? I don't at all see how this has anything to do with you being a Muslim, or a follower of any religion, because isn't what should matter how you present yourself? What you believe in? Why should the clothes you wear or what's on your skin judge you going to heaven or hell...? Damned? Me?

...Seriously?

Honestly, I haven't gone out and about in my community in a very long time, the last time probably being November, so I don't have much to say about how my community reacts to my style....other than shock, stares and questions. I was interrogated in November as well. That time wasn't too bad, since there were just questions that I believe I answered very well. But so much has happened since then...I have no idea what would happen if I were to make a reappearance...

...I also think there is someone in my community who has read this blog and might know about my being genderqueer/bigender. So...I wonder what would happen...? Unfortunately, my community has it's gossipers.

Yes. Gossipers. Believe me, Muslim communities have their own problems...

Define: devious

Typed in:

Define:devious

Used dictionary:

Google.com

 Result:

• indirect in departing from the accepted or proper way; misleading; "used devious means to achieve success"; "gave oblique answers to direct questions"; "oblique political maneuvers"
• characterized by insincerity or deceit; evasive; "a devious character"; "shifty eyes"
• deviating from a straight course; "a scenic but devious route"; "a long and circuitous journey by train and boat"; "a roundabout route avoided rush-hour traffic"
• wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
• Deviating; not straightforward, not honest, not frank; not standard
• en.wiktionary.org/wiki/devious
• deviously - in a devious manner; "he got the promotion by behaving deviously"
• wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
• deviousness - the quality of being oblique and rambling indirectly
• wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
• deviousness - The characteristic of being devious; sneakiness; underhandedness
• en.wiktionary.org/wiki/deviousness

Which of these do you think I mean when I use the word "devious"? If you've seen anything related to Project DV, obviously, this word comes up quite often. I've been thinking about it for a little while now...and since I have so many projects in mind and so many things I want to go public in the future...I'm wondering how the general mass will react to my usage of the word "devious". Whatever the reaction, I do admit I'll never change it. It's been the word I've always used.

Devious...

The meanings I use are "indirect in departing from the accepted or proper way", "deviating" and thus "deviating from a straight course".

The word "devious" has always been a favorite word of mine, even before I knew I liked it as much as I do. It's the only reason why deviantART interested me back in 2006...And it sounds strange, and although totally unrelated, but I always associated the word "devious" with mature, serious media and a dark, serious mindset.

So it all began around 2006, like said. I found deviantART and joined it in 2007 (my old accounts have since then been deleted...).  I was hoping dA to be a serious atmosphere sort of place, so I was genuinely disappointed when I realized it was more like...a seriously funny online community. Really, it is. If any thing "devious" about it, they do what no other art community site has done before. I can't even list the things, good and bad.

Since then, I've religiously looked for other online communities with mature and dark atmospheres...and have found none. There was one, but it wasn't what I was looking for. It wasn't nearly dark enough and more focused on Alice in Wonderland the way the first incarnation of Project DV was focused on Halloween. So, no, that won't work. I don't even remember its name...It might not even be around anymore. So, obviously, I've tried to make my own serious (and witty) deviant site, to no avail, via PDV itself. It's gone through too many incarnations over the years...

But "devious". This word is usually used negatively. What is it about this word that interests me and sucks me in the way it does? Honestly, I don't know. If I wanted to be 'chievous about it, I could say because it begins with 'd', the way dark, different and devilish do. I like those words, too, within certain contexts. But I know for sure that's not the real reason. I know once upon a time, the word I always used was "unique". I used to use that word when I was in my tweens. But somehow I stumbled upon "devious" in my early teens and haven't looked back since.

I use the definitions of devious in a sort of rebellious way, taking its meanings of "not standard" and "indirect in departing from the accepted or proper way" to heart. It's like being different, you see. Best thing, like all things I associate with my nature, is just that. It's my nature to deviate. It's my nature to be devious. I don't need to fake or "act like" much of anything, amiss what it seems like sometimes. When I am inspired by another's personality and etiquette, it's because it's a part of me that I never really divulged into, always wanted to, and didn't know how to apply it into the real world. I needed to see an example.

PDV is my life's work, also staring in 2006. Everything I do is to help PDV in some way or another, whether financially or for divisions and subsidiary projects. It is the hub of my deviousness. And it all started because damn ol' deviantART wasn't what I was looking for, so I thank thee. At the moment, it's more of a...work in development...but it has locations online that give plenty of a general idea of what I hope for it to be in the future. At least, I think so.

Related to the word "deviant", I've also used "darkness", as in the darker side of life. I accept and encourage those interested in it to go for it. It's always been a part of who I am, a dark interest. It all started with Halloween, thus the reason why the first incarnation of PDV was Halloween-related.

To this day, Halloween reminds me of how it all began, my true interest in the darker side of life and my realization that I dared to be different. And that started with noticing how different from my peers I was, and of course, still am to this day.

Another definition of devious I use is one I've made up myself. As mentioned further above, I use it to mean something or a person related to darkness, maturity and a serious "atmosphere", all of the things I enjoy but find hard to come upon nowadays. I know there are people like that out there, and I myself aren't always this devious, but it's the general makeup of who I am (...after sarcastic and witty).

I never really noticed it before, but I've taken one word and completely reinvented it to my liking and incorporated it into everything I do. This is why Project DV is my life's work. It was spawned from my love, my nature to deviate. When I think about it, dream about it, I can see a future with me being my devious self like nobody's business and being a strong believer in Islam. Might sound funny, or "wrong", in the same sentence (Islam and devious, that is), but hey. This is me. I reinvented the word.

Be proud. Be devious!

Music is my boyfriend

I have a saying that is somewhat bittersweet: if music were a religion, I'd be thoroughly devout.

Very bittersweet, indeed.

I. LOVE. MUSIC. I've never heard a genre of music I don't like, though there are, of course, genres I like more than others and some music I wouldn't continuously look out for. Such genres are hip-hop, country, and reggae, to name a few. But if I could list all of my favorite songs, having one song from each genre, I think you'd pretty much find almost every common music genre and then some. That's currently impossible, however, since there are a plethora of songs from newly discovered genres of which I have no idea what their names are!

I spend the great majority of my every day listening to music or hearing it in my head. Somehow I manage to find a way to focus on other things amiss that...but I'm not complaining! When not even listening to music cheers me up...there is something SERIOUSLY bothering me.

Bands/artists/musicians I'm currently obsessed over include (in no particular order):

• Insane Clown Posse
• Sopor Aeternus and the Ensemble of Shadows
• Abney Park
• BUCK-TICK
• Suicide Ali
• Die Krupps
• Paralysed Age
• Spectrum X

...and I recently heard a song called Fires at Midnight by a band called Blackmore's Night my brother likes. *Smug* He owes me for corrupting introducing him into the music he likes now~

What I'm trying to get to is that I have a vocational therapist who took me to this old record store that has always been within walking distance from where I live. Hell, I've passed that place a million times and never even knew it was a place from my dreams! It really IS a record store, complete with old, retro gags and arcade games from the 80s!! Vinyl records galore! 80s music CDs galore! David Bowie! Siouxsie and the Banshees! Joy Division! AKSJALHSAM AND SO MUCH MORE. I felt like I was in bloody HEAVEN! I'll ne'er travel miles away to the mall again; I can just walk to this place for my music wonders!

And it's got CDs and DVDs, too (if that isn't somewhat obvious). I just may....may be able to find some more DVDs I want from there, too. Oh...speaking of which...after this, I plan to make a review of a movie I have recently fallen in love with...That, and also one of my newest obsessions who originated from the 80s...

Anyways, I just had to rave about this. I can't wait go go back! I might be able to work there during the summer, if all goes well!

...Can't keep this blog moody and selfish all the time...

Let's talk hair

As of now, I am bald. Hair maintenance is quite hindering in my current situation and mindset, so it was the best thing to do. Feels good. Looks nice for me, fortunately. However, in the future, hopefully once all of this adolescent drama is a thing of the past, I hope to let my hair grow back.

Here are a few hairstyles that I drool over used by:

Anna Varney Cantodea (Sopor Aeternus)

Found on Google

Rotny Ford of Psyclon Nine
 

Found on Google

Rotny's hairstyle is more what I'd want now, whereas Ms. Cantodea's is more what I really want when I get older. But both are so very much adored...but I don't know what the styles are called, if they have names, and I have no idea how to begin with my head already shaved! Maybe let my hair grow in the front and back only...? Have a little afro grow and then twist and whatnot until I have locks again (had them previously)?

And about my eyebrows...as much as the idea of shaving them off sounds tempting as well...I think I'll just thread/wax them a bit instead...eventually...

...Input, anyone...?

Mizerable

No. That was not misspelled.

So another vent/rant. Feel free to ignore...

...I feel like a late bloomer, even though I know for a fact, to a certain degree, I am no such thing. I'm legitimate. I'm not trying to be anything. I am just being me, as hard as that is to accept oftentimes. But really...nineteen years old and only now...

I see pictures and read blogs galore of everyday (and some not-so-ordinary...) people younger than me or my own age and they're able to express themselves in so many ways through a plethora of mediums. Art. Body modification. Writing. Clothing. Music...You name it, I've seen it. I hate to complain or whine, and hate is no exaggeration, but...I feel as if I have nothing to express myself with or through. And what little I can do isn't...quite...how shall I put it...what I want? No...that's not it...but...well, I don't know how to explain it in words, especially written/typed ones.

The same annoying, horrible thought goes through my head: if I had been braver to accept who I was when I was younger...where would I be? Or was there truly nothing I could have done with how things have worked out up to now? Is it only now, at the oh-so "adult" age my mother keeps wonderfully reminding me I am, that I can even do the little things I do? Only now, when everything seems so far behind? In comparison to my mindset, I appear as...a...masquerade. A sham. I want to feel my mindset. I want to be happy.

And I'm not. Not in the slightest...

...Ah, yes...and about that, my lovely tendency to bitch...

I know...I know...believe me, I know I am quite immature, amiss how often I'll think otherwise. It's times like these I know for sure I'm not...and of course the other things I tend to do or think so frequently...

And yes, damn it. I am thankful for what I have. How shall I say this without sounding...

...But what I have just isn't...me.

Yes. I suppose that did sound very, very stupid and bitchy...immature...annoying...Brat...

...Oh, well...

And off to bed I go...

...And don't worry...the next time I see my psychiatrist, I'll tell Doc I need my new pills...though I'm not looking forward to it...I hate taking pills...but I can't do this on my own. Not now. Not yet...Anyway, I think so...

Of Elian

Or Eve, for short...

I'm not sure how to explain this without sounding like a pathetic, confused and moronic fool trying too hard...but take it or leave it. You're free to ignore, but please do remember what the name of this blog is. And I'll stop spamming your inbox with my rants after this for today, I swear...

I'm not sure how this all started. He was always what I considered to be my male, mature, darker and more defiant side. I gave him his name early, around ten years old, and back then called him "Me", and then later "ChoH', which stood for Child of Halloween in honor of my love of Halloween. Somehow, somewhere along the line I elaborated on him as I grew older, shoving all of the darker aspects and the part of me that clashed severely with my religion, etc, into him, sort of used it to shape his being. He had no religion, cared less of what others thought of him, and spoke his mind, even if it hurt others. He was my soundboard when I was lost, listening to me and telling me his side of the story to mine. Through him, I told myself this is just who I am. It can't be wrong...

Around 2007 -2008, I had shaped him into so much more than what he started off as, whatever that was, exactly. His name is Elian V. "Eve" Hollow, or E.V.E. Hollow for short, and my dearest, closest friend. There were even some times when I felt like him, clashing with my "good" self as Maryam. In-between conversions, I would catch myself beginning to talk the way he would talk, my mindset straying to that darker, twisted confidence I dared not show to anyone. For about three years afterwards, I would "lock away" his personality on and off, finding it easier to just type out my personification of him in chats than real life, because how would I get caught then, if people thought he was a real person instead of some utterly pathetic, lonely and self-conflicted young woman?

In 2009, during the worst of my depression, he became a person I took comfort in. I would talk to him often, but also mourn aloud the fact that he wasn't a real person. I would ask him, aloud, to talk to me, and would chat to him that I wish he were real. "I know" he would type in response. "I wish so, too". It didn't help that I  once had an emotional breakdown in the bathroom, unable to find the will to stand, and thought I heard him in my head, sounding just the way I always thought he'd sound. He told me, clear as day, to stand back up. And I did. Whether out of shock, or what, I don't know. But I'll never forget that time...

No, he hasn't spoken to me since. He's just what he's always been, my male, darker, more mature and defiant half. Now I suppose I just have to stop trying to reign him in...let him roam free from me, if you get what I'm trying to say. He is me, so I shouldn't be afraid or ashamed when I act like him, think like him...

...Honestly, I don't know what to think of him or how he came to be. But one thing's for sure, he sure as hell isn't going anywhere anytime soon...

About my religion...

Yes. This time, an actual religion post. Let the chaos ensue....and you're free to skip this lovely rant/vent.

I consider myself more spiritual than religious, though what that exactly means, even I'm not quite sure (as dumb as that sounded, let's just act like it makes sense for now, okay?). Born and raised a Muslim, I've had little time to explore my personal take on this religion I follow...except within the past few years or so. I've found that, at least for now, the rituals contained within Islam are...pointless, excessive, and/or just not for me. Not right now...

Therein lies the problem. In Islam, Muslims are required to believe and follow five "pillars". One is Shahada, the profession of faith, to say "There is no God but God and Muhammad (SAW) is the Prophet of God", give or take a few translations on that last part ("Muhammad is His Messenger" "His Apostle", etc.) Sure. I got that one. Next is Salat, to pray five times a day. That's where I come up hella short...

The other three pillars of Islam are fine for me...Fasting, Zakat (giving charity), and Hajj.

So what's my beef with Salat?  I have nothing against praying, but I just can't do the whole ritual that is Salat. Yes, yes, I know, the ritual takes about five minutes. Five times five; twenty-five minutes out of the day for prayer. Is that so damn hard? No, it's not. But for me it is. Not because I don't want to...but because it doesn't feel right.

It. Doesn't. Feel. Right. At all. Puts me in tears. Makes me an emotional train wreck of pathetic goodness.

Try to think about that. Let's start from the beginning: I'm struggling with who I am, practically everything that makes me so clashing with the rules that make Islam what it is. And to top it off, I've learned of my gender identity as something that clashes enormously with Islam. No matter how happy I will be to learn of myself, I will forever have issues with myself for as long as I'm uncomfortable with the realization that I'm at odds with my religion. So yeah. Praying is something I don't want to deal with right now. It doesn't help any, if not makes my feelings worse. So can I please just focus on myself for a few more years while keeping my thoughts full of God, at least?

No?

Well, then. That's just peachy.

Do I like being a Muslim? Yes. It's a religion that makes sense to me. But apparently, I'm not really a Muslim because I'm willingly and knowingly not doing one of the five pillars of Islam, even though, sure, I hope to get back on track with it in the far (and hopefully not too far) future. But, hey, that's no enough for some people, no matter what I think...

My mother, in fact, told me I'm going to have to pray. When she does, I do. And when she eventually goes back to the Netherlands, she told me I'm going to have to pray with my father and brother. Which is funny, because she was just trying to slap the sense that "just because (she) tells me what to do, (I'm) old enough to make my own decisions" shit into me not too many days ago. Apparently, this isn't included. In her words, it's something else entirely. Perhaps it's because I still live with my parents.

Fine. I think it's stupid, but fine. I'll let my emotional burden swell while I'm forced to pray with my family.

Just peachy.

Time for a new venting post

So beware. Beware...

In the past few days, I've felt extremely...subdued. I'm going through motions and doing things it normally takes some great encouragement to do. I have been spurred on my be new self-discovery, maybe even more than even I thought I would, because after getting all the damn education I need for what I want to do, then I can do whatever I want and can get away from here. Start over. No one would know me. "Who are you?" I am me. "Oh, okay. Pleased to meet you," or fuck off. Not "What are you doing, Maryam? Don't you know that's haram (unlawful)?"

I've been having internal discussions with myself, as I always have, and have decided I just need to do two things and I'll be good. Just do whatever you need to do, ignore your own selfish desires, and do what they tell you to do. Is that three...? As long as I'm listening to music, it shouldn't be too hard...I hope...

I did all of my homework last night, which is new. I'd usually be on my way to get it done now, before my first class.

I also want to talk a little about some things that have been on my mind since...Monday. But not in this post, I think. I have to get going and I'm feeling rather numb...

Next time: Of Elian, or Eve, my dearest, darkest friend...

My opinion of Juggalos and Insane Clown Posse

I'm feeling better, more like my usual self instead of freaking out, after having wonderful talks with some of my fellow bloggers, so let's talk about something less intense. This is a late video that I recorded during the week of spring break.

...Please excuse the horribly bad edits towards the end...And now I wish to elaborate a little on this.

Ahhh...yes...ICP. I'm technically just a little bit afraid of clowns. But these, including the Joker and Harley Quinn, strangely, don't scare me at all. In fact, I love these guys. ICP have a bad reputation, if that isn't obvious, but they've been at the top of my favorite band/artist list since I discovered them...and...don't look like they'll be going anywhere anytime soon.

Personally, I don't understand why, generally, Juggalos give themselves such a bad name. I can barely stand it myself, being a fellow fan of ICP (and slowly getting into Twiztid as well). Now, not all Juggalos are as bad as the media say they are, and I am proof of such. The most violence you'll ever see come out of me is when I'm provoked, and for me to take out my pocketknife on you...well, that would take a lot of provoking than the type you hear in their songs. Not that their songs usually bother me at all (if anything, I find them inspiring for stories or hysterically entertaining...like the Chop Chop Slide)...And a song like the Neden Game? While some of their songs are funny, and some have deeper meanings behind them, to quote another fan, "I think this one is just a product of boredom". And that...I can do with that...Boredom does horrible things to all of us...You wouldn't believe the sick, psychotic things I've written out of boredom...

Yes, they have a very disturbing and blunt way of talking about things no one wants to hear. One of my most favorite songs with such a message is Halls of Illusions. That was when I started respecting them, even if I don't agree with everything they do. Watch some of their interviews. Personally, I see those I've listened to and know of under Psychopathic records, in a way, like the Marilyn Manson of the hip hop world: it seems as if "everybody" dislikes them and their imagery, etc...but they come across as intelligent, legitimate people!

And yes, I have started designing my own face paint clown mask. I don't know when I'll ever be able to test it out, but designing it makes me feel...happy. Psychotically happy!

Laughter...OF DOOOM!

Now off to see if any of these Beetlejuice fanfiction I'm watching have been updated...

Painting a true image of myself...

I guess I just like to record what's on my mind...

So. Let's talk how I'm going to go about my recent desire to uncover when, for the longest time, you'd think I was one of the last people on earth (within my community) to dream of doing so.

I have nothing against wearing a hijab. In fact, when I was a little younger, just a few years ago, I once felt the outside on my bare neck and head when my brother opened the door to outside...and I felt naked. So I'll admit I'm comfortable with wearing the headscarf (hijab), but I don't want to forever. Heck, I love wearing things on my head, just like I happen to love things over my eyes, like veils, glasses, goggles...But to actually wear a hijab all the time...

That is something I don't want to do anymore. I wish to dress the way I feel, and I can't do that otherwise. To me, you either will wear hijab, or won't. And I, currently, don't.

But for now, I will...For now...

There's this look I see myself having in the future, you see...Familiar with the great Anna Varney of Sopor Aeternus and the Ensemble of Shadows?

The decadent, gorgeous, supremely talented Anna Varney | Image from Google

Ah...I look up to her so very much. Even before I discovered her, I saw myself with that sort of look when I got older...but why save it for then? Why can't I start sooner? I love the shaven head look and always have (I cut all my hair off recently, in fact, now I have to find a way to keep it that way! It grows back too fast...). If I could somehow paint a picture of how I see myself in the future...*sigh*...

Here's my personal opinion: it's not about what you wear that makes you a Muslim, it's about what you believe in. Just because a woman doesn't cover the traditional ol' way, it doesn't make her any less of a believer in Islam, and the same thing with men. I'm much more interested in what's inside, though I'll admit I have certain perceptions on public, everyday decorum and certain things I just wouldn't be caught dead doing...

As for how I want to dress...no differently, really, at least for now (because who knows what I may want in the future).

Also! I can't give enough thanks to all of the good wishes and kind words and encouragement I've received from so many of my fellow bloggers and deviants! I'll try not to cry so much, guys. ;) And you may call me...Mae Quay! That's pronounced "key"! Mae...KEY!

A future post I plan on musing over is...how on earth am I going to pass as a man when I look too much like a woman, not even androgynous? This is seriously bothering me...

Contemplating covering

So my new discovery has me more willing to "feel male" when it hits me. Not sure how to go about it, though...

This is just one more reason why I want to uncover. There's no way I can do want I want to do wearing something that just SCREAMS "female!" and I have to wear all the time. Androgynous or masculine or feminine. Never definitely...one. Do you get what I'm trying to say...?

Also, I can't thank those who gave me encouraging words enough. It means a lot to me, really. I feel more accepted as myself. It's very comforting to know there are people who won't look at me by my religion, but who I am as a person. That's all I want.

I'm in school right now and have to go in a few minutes, but I'm going to touch up what I've decided within the past hours when I leave my last class.

Untitled

I literally don't know what to say. I'm grasping at the straws, here. I'm distraught, unable to calm my mind and go to sleep. I'm just letting it all soak in. As I lay here, in my bed, crying, I can't help but think something.

I'm free.

Which is strange, because I know for sure that I'm not; I'm still here, surrounded by a community that I don't particularly like, in the company of family that I feel estranged from, and very, very unhappy. Yet it's strange. Why did those words come into my mind? I just discovered something many hours ago, something that I had never heard of before, but is exactly what I am.

I am bigender (bi-gender).

And all this time, I thought I was suffering from some sort of multiple personality disorder...but I'll save that for another post...

It's really something to take in. But the more I researched it, and spent all evening and now to early morning doing so, the more it seemed to describe me perfectly. And now I can say it and be strong, be confident. Eve is a part of me. He is me, and I am him. We are one. I don't have to be afraid that something is wrong with me.

But I'm so scared.

I've always been conflicted with who I am, my personal beliefs and thoughts. It took a long time, just about two years ago, before I could acknowledge that I was most likely going to go to Hell no matter what I did. Because of that, I spiraled into a very deep, dark depression. I cut. I bit. I hit. I pulled. I hated myself, and still do, very, very much. Though now, though I hate myself, I can at least admit I am who I am and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't even feel like changing myself anymore. But I would like to love myself, at least...

And now with this glorious revelation of being bigender...

I know for sure I have a one-way ticket to Hell, now.

Funny...with the way things were going, I thought the only way I could possibly get a one-way ticket Downstairs was by committing suicide...so I didn't. But now...

I guess it doesn't matter.

To say I am scared, actually, is an understatement.

I'm terrified.

What do I do now?

Fuck this and fuck everything

I want body mods. Why? I just do! I find them so damn beautiful. I think I've talked about body modification before, but I want to be a bit more...how to say it...cohesive about it this time.

As I said once, I've thought about having mods for a very long time, but only within the year or so actually did research on them. What I've seen has both excited, fascinated, encouraged, and also worried me. The only things I truly worry about are getting it done by an acclaimed, legitimate professional and...the care. I'm not going to worry about the price anymore because hopefully by the time all is said and done, I will have the money to get said mods.

And now to talk about the conflicts I have about them.

So where to start...?

Oh, yes. In general, Muslims aren't allowed to change, alter, mutate or interfere with ones body. So that means...ALL of the things I've dreamed of doing can't be done!

...

You know what, fuck this. I was going to go on about this but I have to stop. I feel as if I'm going to have a mental breakdown if I continue reading anymore about what is forbidden in Islam, a.k.a. things I want to do, dream of doing, and...

Fuck this...

...And my Muslim community wonders why I don't want to be around them anymore...

Back to basics...

Back to my usual school schedule. Not really looking forward to going back tomorrow. I haven't been in a good mood for almost a month now. I've had a lot on my mind, a lot on my shoulders, and a lot I've wanted to do...

As for my previous post, thanks for the responses. You have no idea how much this has been bothering me, and letting this out has been...well, I have mixed internal reactions. On one hand, it feels good to have this revelation known, as I guess I've been trying to deny it, yet at the same time...I just don't know what to think! I'm so very...very...neutral and stoic. And I suppose understandably sad, because there's so much I want to do and feel yet have no way to go about it, at least that I know of...

I feel like just slapping up all of Eve's links, but I'm going to save that for another blog some other time, one I plan on sharing with him. That's...not going to happen anytime soon. Though he does have a blog that he rarely updates...

Since I received a few more questions, ones I'm really looking forward to talking about, I plan on making an entry or a video (doubtful, unfortunately) or maybe even both at separate times in which I answer them.

Until then, saia~