No. That was not misspelled.
So another vent/rant. Feel free to ignore...
...I feel like a late bloomer, even though I know for a fact, to a certain degree, I am no such thing. I'm legitimate. I'm not trying to be anything. I am just being me, as hard as that is to accept oftentimes. But really...nineteen years old and only now...
I see pictures and read blogs galore of everyday (and some not-so-ordinary...) people younger than me or my own age and they're able to express themselves in so many ways through a plethora of mediums. Art. Body modification. Writing. Clothing. Music...You name it, I've seen it. I hate to complain or whine, and hate is no exaggeration, but...I feel as if I have nothing to express myself with or through. And what little I can do isn't...quite...how shall I put it...what I want? No...that's not it...but...well, I don't know how to explain it in words, especially written/typed ones.
The same annoying, horrible thought goes through my head: if I had been braver to accept who I was when I was younger...where would I be? Or was there truly nothing I could have done with how things have worked out up to now? Is it only now, at the oh-so "adult" age my mother keeps wonderfully reminding me I am, that I can even do the little things I do? Only now, when everything seems so far behind? In comparison to my mindset, I appear as...a...masquerade. A sham. I want to feel my mindset. I want to be happy.
And I'm not. Not in the slightest...
...Ah, yes...and about that, my lovely tendency to bitch...
I know...I know...believe me, I know I am quite immature, amiss how often I'll think otherwise. It's times like these I know for sure I'm not...and of course the other things I tend to do or think so frequently...
And yes, damn it. I am thankful for what I have. How shall I say this without sounding...
...But what I have just isn't...me.
Yes. I suppose that did sound very, very stupid and bitchy...immature...annoying...Brat...
...Oh, well...
And off to bed I go...
...And don't worry...the next time I see my psychiatrist, I'll tell Doc I need my new pills...though I'm not looking forward to it...I hate taking pills...but I can't do this on my own. Not now. Not yet...Anyway, I think so...
You're not a late bloomer. You're fine. Don't forget that.
ReplyDeleteFYI, if they suggest Effexor XR, be very wary. I was on it for over a decade. It works, but.... it's damn near impossible to get off the stuff. Serious withdrawal problems. Took me a few years to wean myself down.
I agree with TanteFledermaus about Effexor. Avoid at all cost. That medication should be illegal. I was experiencing hot flashes similar to what menopause must be like, and I was very aggressive. Celexa worked a lot better for me, and withdrawal is less intense.
ReplyDelete19 is not a late bloomer, many people discovered the subculture in their late-teens or early-twenties. But I understand where you come from. My parents were also very strict, and when I left home it was to be in a relationship with an abusive and possessive man who was forbidding me to do a lot of things, so there are many things I haven't done until I was 25.
Late-bloomer has always been a bad term in my opinion. You most certainly are not one. I encourage you to not be in such a hurry. I know that when you find something that clicks with your mind and soul it's tempting to wish to rush it, but if you take your time and go with the flow. You will find that you will place yourself into whom you wish to be soon enough, and be strong in whom it is. Getting upset and angry to the point of Apathy was a mistake I made in my twenties, and now in my thirties I'm looking at reintegrating into a different aspect of a subculture I adored until the age of 25 when the apathy took over. I essentially zombified to be the person that everyone around me wanted me to be.
ReplyDeleteTake your time that is given to you to solidify yourself. Only take medication when it's absolutely needed.