I literally don't know what to say. I'm grasping at the straws, here. I'm distraught, unable to calm my mind and go to sleep. I'm just letting it all soak in. As I lay here, in my bed, crying, I can't help but think something.
I'm free.
Which is strange, because I know for sure that I'm not; I'm still here, surrounded by a community that I don't particularly like, in the company of family that I feel estranged from, and very, very unhappy. Yet it's strange. Why did those words come into my mind? I just discovered something many hours ago, something that I had never heard of before, but is exactly what I am.
I am bigender (bi-gender).
And all this time, I thought I was suffering from some sort of multiple personality disorder...but I'll save that for another post...
It's really something to take in. But the more I researched it, and spent all evening and now to early morning doing so, the more it seemed to describe me perfectly. And now I can say it and be strong, be confident. Eve is a part of me. He is me, and I am him. We are one. I don't have to be afraid that something is wrong with me.
But I'm so scared.
I've always been conflicted with who I am, my personal beliefs and thoughts. It took a long time, just about two years ago, before I could acknowledge that I was most likely going to go to Hell no matter what I did. Because of that, I spiraled into a very deep, dark depression. I cut. I bit. I hit. I pulled. I hated myself, and still do, very, very much. Though now, though I hate myself, I can at least admit I am who I am and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't even feel like changing myself anymore. But I would like to love myself, at least...
And now with this glorious revelation of being bigender...
I know for sure I have a one-way ticket to Hell, now.
Funny...with the way things were going, I thought the only way I could possibly get a one-way ticket Downstairs was by committing suicide...so I didn't. But now...
I guess it doesn't matter.
To say I am scared, actually, is an understatement.
I'm terrified.
What do I do now?
I usually do not comment but I have been reading your blog for a long time as a silent follower.
ReplyDeleteBut today, I have to comment because I so want to comfort you and let you know that I think you are perfect the way you are.
Although I am neither Muslim nor Christian (I do believe in Divinity though) I feel that you are not going to fo to hell because of things you cannot influence nor change. You seem to have tried very hard to be someone you are not and I absolutely understand that you feel self-hatred. But you should not! Please do not think that other people's interpretation of religion are the truth. After a everything that has been written down in any religion was written and interpreted by HUMANS. And as you know, no human being is without fault.
Keep your head up high! Research, even compare religions. Find what is true for you. You are not going to hell for being bi-gender. You are not a sinner. You are a human being. And that is absolutely okay.
sal
I also usually do not comment but I applaud you greatly for still having the courage to discover what you feel is true to yourself. I also do not believe in Organized Religion or their versions of GOD. I believe in the energy of the universe and that we all have been here more than once for more than one reason. It took me a while to get comfortable with myself as well. I'm 32 and still sometimes wonder whom I can trust with what I have come to.
ReplyDeleteI was raised Catholic and at the age of 13 began to question my belief in that system. In fact as a teen I used to have a theory that we shouldn't be afraid of Hell because we are already there, and that if you made yourself a path with internal knowledge that was a good one you went to the next place. If not you just came back here for another go round.
Now how ever I feel that we come here to have experiences good and bad, but the key is to feel whole by being true.
I'm not sure what you will find on your path, but I wish you safe passage and happiness. Hell is only in existence if you let it be. You are going in a good direction though Research is the first step.
Here's my two cents- If there is a Creator, and that Creator put two genders into one body, then it was probably deliberate. If it was deliberate, then it's probably okay. The alternative idea is a Creator who makes mistakes. I can't really wrap my head around a Creator who makes mistakes and then blames the mistake on the individual living in the body. There are too many grey areas in this world for a black-and-white sort of worldview.
ReplyDeleteYou ARE free. Your mind and body are your own. Only you can decide if your ways of perceiving the world are right. Nobody else is you.
I know you'll get friction- my roommate is Muslim, and she catches flack for many of her life choices. Being the captain of your own soul is worth some flack.
I'm religious, but not Muslim, Christian, Jewish or similar, and personally, I believe in reincarnation.
ReplyDeleteIf I did believe in Heaven and Hell, I don't think the Divine would have it that you were born certain way and then damn you for it. It's not your choice, and you can't be blamed for something you have no control over.