Eid ul-Fitr 2011 online wishlist (so far)

Let me begin by saying amiss the $100 that were given to me for Eid, I have no money right now. SOMEONE has been using my bank account and using it to by weird things! I only know of one reason how this could have happened...I only used my card recently to do something for a family member...and, oh, I hope she didn't...
But, nonetheless, this is the last day of Eid ul-Fitr (if you celebrate it for three days) and I'm still hoping my money problem will be figured out soon so I can buy some new shat. I haven't a clue how much clothes will cost, but aside from clothes, I'd love to buy some things to begin a gothic room environment for me as well as non-apparel stuffs.

Black Lipstick from the Portland Black Lipstick Company

Image from Google, sort of

ODDITORIA Lip Balm from The Morbid The Merrier

Image from Etsy

Black Jack body lotion from The Morbid The Merrier

Image from Etsy

Pocket Watch Necklace - Gunmetal Black from Robin Hood Couture

Image from Etsy

Plastic 12 Hole Sweet Potato Alto C Purple from Songbird Ocarina

Image from Songbird Ocarina | will be my starting ocarina!

Some apparel...

Gothic Unisex Dark Side Bondage Arm Warmers - Black w/ Silver Metal D Rings from Zen And Coffee Designs

Image from Etsy

Restrained Gothic Lolita Corset Laced Up Arm Warmers w/ Ribbon from Zen And Coffee Designs

Image from Etsy

And what I'm most looking forward to aside from clothes...Since furniture is much too expensive right now and totally out of the question (I'll probably have to wait until I get my own place), after painting my walls white, I'm going to spice up my room with....WALL DECALS!! I can't get enough of them!


Vinyl Wall Chalkboard Decal Sticker Art - Vintage Hanging Sign from Wordy Birds Studio

Image from Etsy

Vinyl Wall Decal Sticker Art - Ye Olde Salem Broom Co Sign - Halloween Decoration from Wordy Birds Studio

Image from Etsy | planning on it saying "Project DV"

Vinyl Wall Decal Sticker Art - Trick or Treat - Halloween Decorations from Wordy Birds Studios

Image from Etsy | planning on it saying "Maryam's Room"

Vinyl Wall Decal Sticker Art - Keep Out - Halloween Decoration from Wordy Birds Studios

Image from Etsy | planning on it being on my door on the outside...

Gothic Ironwork Window - Wall Decal from Many Strange Things

Image from Etsy | planning on getting two

Bat Attack/Vinyl Wall Art from Pillbox Designs

Image from Etsy | planning on getting two

In the future, my home will have a million wall decals, I swear! AUGH!!!

*Ahem* I can dream. I'm not going to add up all the prices, including the shipping prices, but...I'll bet it's way more than I can afford to spend on non-apparel (sans the armwarmers) when I (had and would have had) $200. Then $50 would have gone towards shoes...*sigh*

Damn you, whoever you are using my card!!!

Well, I have to go, now. Hopefully I'll come back online tomorrow...

Also, random, but LOOK AT THIS LAPTOP DEAL! Sucks today is the last day....!!!

The Goth Challenge: Day 25

Day Twenty-Five: Did you ever consider leaving the subculture?

Hells freaking NO! This is who I am, you know. I'm not changing me for anyone. And I consider myself not just part of the goth subculture. I wouldn't want to "leave" any of them. If anything, I would like to be a more prominent figure in the subcultures I like. I doubt I could ever be a model (but you never knoooow~) but I'm thinking something more along the likes of owner of an alternative-catering company (*COUGH*ProjectDV*COUGH) and simply someone who can be found at a lot of alternative events.

And...do you guys think I should add random pictures to my entries? I see a lot of blogs do that, though I never understood it...Why post the picture when it doesn't belong to you or has nothing to do with the entry? Well, sometimes I think it works. Like when posting a picture of, say, piercings you want to have...*ahem*

Also, I won't be able to post much else aside from the rest of these days of the Goth Challenge for a while. After that, I'll probably just post...whatever. I'll be operating from the library and I have a lot of catching up elsewhere online. I have no idea how long this no-internet thing is going to go for at home, but...it's not looking good.

The Goth Challenge: Day 24

Day Twenty-Four: Name the best websites for Goths.

1. Google (el oh el)
2. Gothic Charm School
3. Old Curiosity Shop
4. Etsy
5. Ebay

Not in order of what I think is best...I think...?

Oh, yeah...

Short list, but I can't think of anything else, really, aside from actual stores.

I'M ALIVE?!

SO. In wake of the hurricane here aaaand my home situation (yeah, I moved) aaaand Ramadan, um...I'm alive!

Gosh, I have so much to read...so much to look at...and not just here. Fanfics, email...Whoa. I've got a lot of catching up to do. As for the Goth Challenge, I dutifully continued with it even while offline! I have all of the entries with me, but I'm just going to finish with the last of the ones for the last six days and then upload the ones from offline afterwards. Same with...all other entries I made while offline...

On a completely unrelated note, today is Eid, but...there's nothing special happenin' here. At least from what I know. Nothing planned...*sigh* Really boring. I miss the good ol' days...

The Goth Challenge: Day 9

Possible last GC's day until I learn more on my home situation...

Day Nine: What genre of music do you dislike?


Since it says "dislike" and not "hate" or "refuse to listen to", I shall be honest and admit I'm not fond of (American) pop and hip-hop. Now, don't get me wrong...my musical library is extremely diverse. I'm also a fans of Eminem, Insane Clown Posse, Gorillaz, DJ OZMA, and HOME MADE Kazoku, especially the first three, so I can't say I hate the genre. I'm just not going to go looking for music of said genres, unlike what I constantly do for metal, rock, etc.

Like many genres I don't fancy, with it comes to hip-hop I'm picky and weird. There's only one song by Rihanna I like (Disturbia~!), I overall like the Black Eyed Peas, Beastie Boys, (the above previously mentioned artists/groups), I really like Cupid's Cupid Shuffle, a few Mary J. Blige songs I really like, even one Snoop Dogg song, but...music like that most of the time and what I hear around my community? Hell no. Not Lil' Jon, not Ludacris, not Lil' Mama, not Chris Brown...though I will honestly admit a lot of pathetic/trash hip-hop songs have AWESOME beats/tunes. Case in point? That horrendous song Get Low. I still hear that song and wish ever so wistfully that it had better lyrics to such an amazing beat...*shudders* I know more about that song than I ever wished I knew. I'd rather just hear it point blank like they do in ICP songs.

As for pop, well...I have no idea what the deal is there. First of all, the only American pop bands/artists I can think of that I even have one song of in my music library...they literally only have one song in my library. The ones right and only in my head right now are Lady GaGa's Bad Romance (LOVE the music video and lyrics!!) and Ke$ha's Tik Tok (love the tune). Not many, I know...Even I think there has to be more...??

Weirdest thing of all is that if you were to look into my music library, you'll see a lot of pop from other countries...Maybe I'm prejudiced, le gasp.

And...I think that's it. I don't dislike country, jazz, opera, as I have likes in all of those, but the above mentioned genres are my least liked.

Info on the challenge here.

The Goth Challenge: Day 8 (late)

Due to the new changes in my...well, my life, I'm just going to do these two challenges in case I can't get back online for a few days to come...*le sigh*


Day Eight: What's your worst and best experience with non-Goths?


My worst...

My worst was when I was at a Youth Day event in my (Muslim) community. All of the girls were flipping out makeup and whatnot, so I decided to experiment with makeup and don a sort of "Crow" look, but I think I mentioned before I never saw it as the Crow's look per se. I consider it more of a...jester/harlequin/joker sort of look, which I love more than crows. Afterwards, parading proudly around mostly to get me a mirror, I was confronted by one of the older sisters who I've known since...I was seven, eight, nine, maybe? She loudly chided me for having a "Satanic" look and that I should have known better or someshat like that. Interestingly the only feeling I remember having was wishing she hadn't said what she said in front of her daughters and other younger girls. I kept the look for some time until it was time to put the makeup away.

Fortunately, some of the young women around my age were more open-minded about it and commented that I looked nice. Or something along those lines. I can't remember, but it was positive. They took my pic upon request...but that picture is probably long gone or floating about the internet and oh, so embarrassing. Right. Sure.

Best experience...

I can't remember. That...sucks.

Today's challenge to be uploaded next.

Info on the challenge here.

Fallout

At last (and this is sarcasm) we get back to the more depressing, irate subjects...

You may skip.

So. Dad comes in about twenty minutes ago with some boxes. Now, last week my Mom told me that we need to start packing since we're going to be moving soon, so this was something I was looking forward to since...well, we need boxes to start packing. Thing is, right after my dad brings the boxes in, he tells me we need to start packing...because we need to be out by tomorrow.

What. The. FUCKERY?!

Last time a stunt like this was pulled, we were evicted from the last place we lived at not even a year ago and got the eviction notice THREE DAYS before we had to leave! It was horrible! We ruined so many things because we were rushing to pack...things were lost...and the place we left behind was a wretched, embarrassing mess. It's going to be even WORSE than that! But forget that...

With the way he worded it, it sounds like we got evicted...AGAIN!


So. I may not be able to work on the Goth Challenge today, and maybe tomorrow or whatever, depending on how this goes...

I'm going to try to organize my room, now.

10 Followers!

And I am this much closer to corrupting you all! *Maniacal laughter* Bowahaha!

Thanks, everyone! To congratulate, I shall...

...

Well, there really isn't much I can do, aside from give everyone virtual hugs. *HUGS* :D

I started working on the second part of this fanfic I've been working on since...last year...under one of my *ahem* "aliases". I'd give you the link to the first part, but then you'd know who I am. Pfft. "What's the point of telling us" is probably what you're thinking, right? Well, in the (near) future, I will divulge all of my...*ahem*..."aliases" to ze world, but I'm not ready. I'm not sure how they'll be taken since...*ahem*...well, that's a long story for another time. *Deadpan*

I'm feeling particularly out of it today, even though I managed to wake up at about noontime. *Sigh* There's so much I have to do, so much I've neglected and it's really not going to do me any good, especially since it deals with me getting financial support, which I desperately need. It doesn't help that there was no One Piece this week! One Piece never fails to make me happier!!

Last chapter spread | Huge picture is huge CLICKY CLICKY!

Yes. I am a huge One Piece fangirl. Yes, I said One Piece. Yes, you know, that manga/anime you constantly see beside Naruto and Bleach that everyone who has read/watched it tries to get you into but you are very wary about because it looks "childish" and "stupid". Read One Piece's Wikipedia entry and be amazed, fellow non-believers. Be amazed. There's a lot more to OP than what meets the eye. Best manga....EVER. And the anime has made me cry too many times to count.

I'm ranting and going everywhere right now, so I shall shut up and attempt to do my homework or clean my room...while staying online. Hm. I'm going to bed.

The Goth Challenge: Day 7

Day Seven: Ten of your favourite goth bands.


Oh, I was looking forward to this~! Since it's impossible to list my favorite bands, no matter what genre they are, I'll just list the ones and/or songs by certain bands that have been in my head for a while within the past month or two. These bands are in no particular order, I just gave them numbers so I'd know I was listing ten.

1. Katzenjammer Kabarett

I love this song so much, and the lyrics especially, that I've added it into a story of mine.


2. Schwarz Stein

Most favorite song by this band. OH GOODNESS I love these two, Kaya and Hora!


3. Clan of Xymox

Clan of Xymox has been a long-standing favorite band.


4. Paralysed Age

Another song that I believe is so fantastic, I must add it into a story. This isn't the best version of the song, but it's still really good.


5. Bella Morte

Yet another long-standing favorite band.


6. London After Midnight

Overall, pretty much the first goth band I came across, I think. Another long-standing favorite band.


7. Two Witches

IGNORE THE VIDEO. It's the only vid I could find with this song on YouTube. The video is NOT related to the song! I swear if I can find something else, I'll use it instead...


8. Type O Negative

Rest in peace, Peter Steele.


9. Diary of Dreams

...I couldn't decide which song to put up.


10. She Wants Revenge

This song...Um, you should see the comments.

I wish I could list more than 10, but I think that'll be overkill.

Seriously. There are too many bands I love. Thus these ten are constantly changing positions in my list of favorites. Not to mention these are just goth bands. What about those in the top that aren't goth? ;)

LIKE TURMION KÄTILÖT AND INSANE CLOWN POSSE. My loves...~!!!

This was fun. Haven't listened to my music in a while. I apologize in advance if the videos go away in the future. I'll try to get different ones if that happens.

Info on the challenge here.

In other news...

...It's nearing the middle of Ramadan (yeah, riiiight). I've slacked off this whole week, even with my homework. I really have to pick up the pace...

Not to mention my room. It looks like a tornado durn torn right through it n' a NASA shuttle done took off in it. And then, a bomb went off. And then I died.

Done a lot of research about the Wave Gotik Treffen. Never saw a dark-skinned person in any of the videos I just watched...and I don't remember seeing any in previous videos I've watched, either. I know you're out there, mein kin...WHERE ARE YOU ALL??

It's slightly...I don't want to say "depressing". It's more like...strange. Apparently goth and other such alternative-lifestyle-lovers that are of ethnic groups exist, but you rarely ever see them. Is it because we simply  rarely have the money or someshat like that (though some truth to it) or what? Tell me, someone, it's killing me.

And lastly, piercings. I've done a lot of research on piercings lately and...boy oh boy. All I want are my ears to be pierced as much as possible, two nose rings, my septum pierced, and snakebites. All but the snakebites seem easy enough. And if it weren't for the fact that oral piercings are so close to or in constant contact with the teeth and gums, this would be nothing to worry about. Naturally. And if you think about it, since I wear a hijab, you'd only see the snakebites and nose rings since the septum can be easily hidden.

...But...

I'm really really really REALLY nervous about gum recession and teeth damage from the snakebites. Sure, I'll bet there are people who have had snakebites for years and have had no problems, but is it from good care and a watchful eye that you won't have problems or does it just happen and there's nothing one can do about it? The obvious fact that anyone with oral piercings has a chance to get gum recession and teeth damage makes sense, but can it be 100% avoidable with care? I want snakebites so bad...

I'd want snakebites close to the lip/practically on the lip like these, only on both sides

Also, you'll notice that the majority of people getting snakebites nowadays are teens and young adults. Forget them, what about the adults that have had them for years (emphasis on years)? I wish I could interview such a person...How did they care for them? Have they had any damage? How did they manage the damage?

...And as for the obvious of getting them and only keeping them for a few years to reduce the permanent possible effects of oral damage, I don't know about that. If I got piercings, I'd want to keep them forever...

Life's full of tough choices, ain't it...?

The Goth Challenge: Day 5

Day 5: Is there a local Goth band or group in your area?

...No bands/musicians in my immediate area that I know of. Goth group? The Freaks of Connecticut (that's not the name, I just call us that). Not much is going on, though, at least I think so. Sure, the club is around once a month but I think I already mentioned why that's just not happening.

There are many bands and projects from New England, however.

51 Peg | Washington DC | DISBANDED

Cesium_137 | Philadelphia

Ego Likeness | Maryland

Bella Morte | Virginia

Interface | New York (can't find a better picture)

Terrorfakt | New York

Unto Ashes | New York

Android Lust/Shikhee | New York

Chemlab | New York

Informatik | Boston

Unfortunately, the only bands I've heard of here are Ego Likeness, Bella Morte and Android Lust, but I've only listened to Ego Likeness and Bella Morte. Bella Morte was one of the first bands I got into when I discovered the goth scene.

I guess it's nice to know only one of these bands/projects have disbanded.

NOW TO HEAR NEW MUSIC! 8D

Info on the challenge here.

LIMBO

I spend a lot of my time online doing one of three or all three things: reading fanfiction, listening to music/researching for new music and browsing for research and information. Ton— this morning I've spent a lot of my time doing...research.

It allll started while I was looking at some new uploads by people I'm following on YouTube. One young gal, who is also someone I watch on deviantART, uploaded a "walkthrough" of her playing this fan-fucking-tastic indie PC game called Limbo.

LIMBO Xbox Live Arcade cover |  Source

Limbo seems to be...a game unlike any out there. It's a 2D sidescroller, and you know many games like this are the best among the best, and classic puzzle-platform game. OH, but this is like Mario for the dark lovers out there. I swear....look up some videos on YouTube. Feast your eyes on this magnificence!

The primary character in Limbo is a nameless boy who awakens in the middle of a forest on the "edge of hell". The boy seeks his missing sister, and encounters only a few human characters that attack or run away from him. Not to mention mother fucking bigass spiders, weird, creepy-ass sharptoothed wormlike things, humanoids looking like children that commit suicide with maggot like things attached to their heads (or is that web?), and the environment itself can be your demise. And the whole game is in grayscale with black to fill in the boy (his eyes are white), the creatures, etc! OH, such FUN~! I do mean this 100% and I'm severely arachnophobic! I still want it!

So that definitely says something!

Man, though, the music can creep the shit out of you. Think...Silent Hill.

I'm going to create a wishlist of indie and other strange games I wish to add to my collection and show what I find here. I need a larger video game selection aside from Mario, TLOZ, Kingdom Hearts, Jak and Daxter, and Final Fantasy. 

Seriously. 

The Goth Challenge: Day 4

Day 4: Name a stereotype or cliche you can relate to.


I'm not even going to comment on that "a" stereotype part. Did she seriously...?

• Probably the most typical of loved cliches, I love Halloween. Love it. It also, however, frightens me, but that's partly due to what Muslims are told about Halloween (or at least I know I was). Let's just say that next time you run into someone dressed like a wraith, that might not be someone and more on the lines of something. I've had a fascination with Halloween since I was young, amiss everything, but more of the Halloween aesthetic (and the colors~!) than the whole modern-day traditions of Halloween. Also...Halloween has rules. Respect them or stay home. Like I do. 
• The first time I ever tried dark makeup was during a girls' gathering in my community. Instead of lipstick, I put khol on my lips and down my eyes and corners of my mouth in lines like what I've learned is called "the Crow" look. That's not what inspired it. Long before I saw the movie, I had/have a love for jesters and harlequins. I consider that a carny/circus sort of look. What is the big hubbub about that look if its done right...? Sure, its overused, but hey, cliches are cliches for a reason. Look at how many goths love Halloween.
• Black. All black. Favorite color in the universe. Now that I know what the interior of a house would look if all black, I'm even reconsidering not painting my house or at least one room all black and white. I'll talk more about this soon, it makes me so excited.
• I've always dreamed of myself to be the friendly neighborhood "witch doctor" once I get into herbal, homeopathic and macrobiotic foods. I'll be like that hippy/witch who lives in a creepy or intimidating looking house who is one hundred percent friendly...to those who deserve it...and as long as I'm not bothered. I don't know if this is a cliche or not...aside from it dealing with witches.
• I like skulls and bats, but within reason. 
• I'm not a very happy person at first glance. People, even literal strangers on the street have told me to smile and asked why I look so "sad" or "angry". I don't mean to look that way, I just prefer a neutral, expressionless face. My emotions, however, will write themselves all over my face like a mood ring unless I put effort into doing otherwise. I will also happily admit I do not like to smile. I almost hate smiling. I'd rather stay neutral or smirk. Grinning is optional, depending on the situation and why. Of course, when I'm genuinely happy or other, I'll do all that smiling or slight smiles on my own. But just smiling? For no reason that I see? That....that is what I almost hate.
• I have a fascination with cemeteries, but that goes along with Halloween (even though my love for Halloween is greater). In some ways, they also frighten me. 
• Black makeup all the time (if I could). Or more so black and white makeup, my favorite combination.
• I like to be left alone.
• I actually do very much like dark and disturbing things.

And now the anti-cliches: things that are usually loved by goths or other darkly inclined but I cannot stand...

• Spiders. Right here at the top so everyone knows it. I. Am. SEVERELY. Arachnophobic. Pictures of them will frighten me and stop me from entering a room just as much as a real life one, no matter what size. I've had nervous breakdowns over the tiniest of spiders. I can seem to have a very fortunate built-in spider sense that allows me to spot them no matter what size. Believe me. My whole family can testament.
• I believe vampires are overrated, or perhaps the words should be "have been incorrectly and pathetically portrayed in the media", especially within the last...oh...four years or so. High school vampires? Teen-aged vampires? No shadows? No Dracula unless bastardized by Hollywood?! FAIRIES?! Oh, I think I've died a little more inside...To sum it up, I don't like:
• True Blood
• The Vampire Dairies
• The Twilight movies (the books were good, though overall still...not the "true" vampires, of course)
• Blade
• Dracula 2000, Dracula II, Dracula III
• I'm 50/50 on Buffy the Vampire Slayer
• And I thought I was interested in Laurell K. Hamilton's vampire stories, but I'm beginning to doubt it...

Info on the challenge here.

This is no act

This is a sort of add-on to the second part of the Goth Challenge, since my head was all jumbled up back then...I suddenly know all of the things I've wanted to talk about.

Starting with this thing my mom has told me a few times I've shown and explained to her the pictures of African-American lolitas I've seen while doing some extensive research and searches online, or even just browsing. I'm going to say it: most of them are not at all...well put-together. Is this in my opinion? Hell yes, this is just my opinion. I would post pictures, but that would be mean, I suppose. What do I mean by "put-together"? I'm talking the typical things that would make anyone, no matter what they were wearing, look awkward: bad wigs, wigs of colors that don't match their skin, clothes of materials that look very much like costume material (like satin), wonky colored materials that, again, don't at all match their skin, and I could go on.

Of course not all dark-skinned lolitas look like this. There are three I can think of (via mental imaging) that looked wonderful! Inspiring! But like I said, most of them are not. I told my mother this and you know what she said? "I think many of these girls are into the lolita scene because they might have white friends who are part of it."

That got me thinking about something else that I'm wondering.

It's obvious. You go to an alternative event and you might, just might be lucky enough to see one dark-skinned fellow. Okay. Some people may or may not see that one alternative of color and use them as the poster child for proof that alternative subcultures are diverse and tolerant of, duh, being different. Whatever. What I'm getting to is...what does that say about me, huh?

I'm African-American, but have no white friends. I really mean that; there aren't any white girls my age in my community that I can think of off the top of my head unless they moved away. I discovered these subcultures on my own through my own research. That's the way it's always been. When I saw/heard/thought of something, asked about it and received a response that didn't satisfy me, I looked it up online or in a book. I was fifteen when I finally, after years of admiring them at a distance, looked up the alternative subcultures and realized I've always been a part of them. This is simply, utterly, truly who I am. I'm not faking this, I'm not trying to be someone else or "act like I'm white". Fuck that.

I'm preparing myself for the day I'm asked questions like that from strangers and maybe even people in my own community, aside from the Devil Speeches that I might and have already received once. Oh, yeah. That was really lovely. I already know what to say to those lovely naysayers who will/might bust a gut over my decisions...

I wonder what'll happen when the day comes that I arrive at an alternative event decked out in wonderful, proper attire, but my imagery as African American and a Muslim woman on top of that? (Because guys can totally get away with that not being obvious.) I almost look forward to the day...

The Goth Challenge: Day 3

Late entry, but better late than never. 


Day 3: When did you come out of the Goth closet?

I came out in 2008 after doing research on what the goth subculture is. Nothing much changed from the usual. I was already wearing a lot of black as it had become my favorite color (still is). I guess at the time I considered myself an industrial/rivethead goth, considering I was listening to a lot of industrial music back then. I'm still more into the industrial and cyber scene as far as music goes.

I just realized I forgot something...

I haven't really come out yet. Not really at all. Somewhat yes in terms of my family, but...you know, I'm not exactly sure how to explain it. I guess we'll find out in the future...I plan to do this whole challenge over in the future anyway...

Info on the challenge here.

*Insert holy book here*-thumpers

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother doing Google searches for "Muslim goth" and the like. It's disappointing, blood-boiling and seriously not something worth reading for one with a very open mind. Did I mention blood-boiling?

I've done a lot of searches for Muslima goths and I came upon something that pissed me off beyond being pissed off. So there's this blog by a Muslima researcher, tutor, etc, that I came upon by complete accident in which she answers a question someone gave her about the "ruling on dying the hair black". After the  rubbish that simply is rubbish about people who dye their hair black will "never smell the fragrance of Paradise", even if it is a Hadith (and an authentic one at that) and the semi-sense that it doesn't make sense for a woman (?!) to dye her hair black if she intends to fool someone about her age (yet a guy could if he wanted to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies, oh, what lovely times those must have been), what really got my blood boiling was what she says at the end of this entry:
(That was probably a run-on sentence, but I don't care)

"This hadith actually reminded me of something else that has become common between the Muslim sisters i.e. dressing, and taking the Gothic fashion. Many Muslim sisters, and especially  teenagers are starting to dress or take Gothic fashion, such as black nail polish and black dye on hair, black lipstick… subhan Allah, many actually lie to  themselves and say I just think it looks nice. Sisters beware of imitating any group other than the righteous Muslims. The prophet peace be upon him said: “who so ever imitates a group, is one of them” narrated by Abu Dawood."

Damn fucking straight, I'm "one of them". But guess what, bloody? I always have. This is who I am, I'm not imitating anyone! Oh, so perhaps the fact that I see one of my alternative crushes and am inspired by their style/look and incorporate something like it into my own wardrobe/look I'm in really fucking trouble. Ohhhh, yeah, that makes all the sense in the universe. You know what really pisses me off, it's when she says "beware of imitating any group other than the righteous Muslims" and "many actually lie to themselves and say I just think it looks nice". What the fuck? What. The. FUCK? No, you see, I don't take shit like this and I don't care who said it or where it's from. Unless God himself is going to tell me I'm wrong —not Prophet Muhammad (SAW), and you did read that correctly— I just do not compute.

Righteous Muslims...HA! That reminds me of something that was rammed into my head when I went to Islamic school:

"We are the best because we worship Allah and enjoin the good and forbid the wrong"

And looking back on that now, that pisses me off. I hate self-righteous crap, no matter who said it of whatever religion or none at all.

I'm not articulate, but there are times when I wish I was so I could wonderfully dissect pissant righteous fools....

Holy book thumpers.

The lot of 'em....

The Goth Challenge: Day 2

Day Two: Share photos and experiences from your Baby Bat days

I'm still a Babybat and I have no pictures whatsoever, so I shall talk about some recent things.

Some experiences...Shopping and DIY, I suppose. I'm not really into DIY right now. I'm used to simply buying what I need. I like the idea of helping someone else; never really thought much about making some of the things I buy for myself. I know some DIY is simple and things anyone could do, but I'm quite happy with the idea of buying instead. I hope to become a better...er...DIYer (pronounced "dyer"?) in the future, but not right now.

I'm also having some problems with the more artistic and talented aspects of the goth subculture. I don't think I have much of either in me. Talent, I have no idea, and artistic, I just don't have the patience for. That's something I'm struggling with. Many people in this subculture are so very hands-on and creative...I feel almost...insecure, somewhat, because I'm not. 

I also remember the day I went to Hot Topic for the first time. Amiss everything about HT, including the low quality of some their things and currently selling out (or at leas the one near me has, to my horror and great sadness...), I like(d) the store. I still do, in some weird sort of way that I can't explain. Back then, the store had a lot of fantastic and hard-to-find-in-a-store bands like Dir en grey, Children of Bodom, Rammstein and Dimmu Borgir. I've been in a HT at least three times, the first and second being with my mom and my older brother. Funny, I tell you. My brother had looked around the place with this blank expression like nothing could shock him, no matter what he saw. Nothing. Being my brother, I have to agree. :p

Not much else to share. I'm looking forward to the rest of this challenge.

Info on the challenge here.

The Goth Challenge: Day 1

Read Amy's post about this new challenge and then read the info at Juliet's Lace. I'm going to give it a shot. I've got a month left until school starts, so that helps, too. I might have to modify some since I don't have a camera...but I might use my (somewhat) crappy webcam instead. Oh, well. I might have difficulty with others since...I'm a newbie at a lot of things or simply haven't done them, regardless of them being related to the goth subculture or not...

Day One: How did you come across the subculture?

I don't remember how old I was, but I know I was much younger than ten. I vividly remember often seeing a group of dark clad young adults at the beach, which I look back at now and find really interesting. They gathered under a nice, sheltering tree...I found them to be so interestingly different, loved the fact that they all wore black and white and hated it when my father scoffed at them. I don't remember anything they wore in detail, but I remember looking to my left in their direction and a young woman looked back at me, not at all in a hostile manner (she was probably just as curious as I, somewhat, since I wore a hijab even back then). She had pale skin and a long skirt, was very well put-together...

Around the same time, I guess, my mom watched shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dark Angel and I would be there watching them with her sometimes, as I wasn't really big on live-action back then. I guess I must've seen scenes of The Crow movie or my mom briefly watched The Crow: Stairway to Heaven, but I remembered the story and how much I loved it (and wanted to watch it, amiss my mom telling me no). Seeing dark imagery like that, especially in Buffy and the Crow, really sparked my imagination. I even based one of my first characters off of Eric Draven. What was his name? Pfft. Crow.

And The Nightmare Before Christmas. Holy cow. That...that was my Dream Movie I Hoped to See The Moment I Got Older, because for reasons still foreign to me, my mom didn't want me watching it. I had found out about it while watching the ol' 60th Anniversary edition of Walt Disney's Pinocchio during the trailers they had before the movie started. Also heard info about other works by Tim Burton, namely Batman (love, love, love Jack Nicholson as the Joker~!), Beetlejuice, James and the Giant Peach, and the movie that put me on a team to this day...Team Edward....SCISSORHANDS! :p

Now, long before I did my research, I had some seriously dark interests and likes. I seem to have inherited my grandmother and my mother's interest in mystery, supernatural and other gothic-related literature, art and media and knew that at a young age. However, I do remember being afraid that Dracula was in our old apartment basement in a little black corner with a doorway that was perpetually black...

I remember telling my mom my favorite bird was a crow, to which she responded "No, it's not". But alas, I'm still in love with crows and ravens, but more crows than ravens, thus the reason why I'm obsessed with The Crow. I was also fascinated by the fact that a group of crows is called a murder. How old was I....?

I most definitely remember being fascinated by Marilyn Manson, but I don't remember how I found out about him. I just remember there being a general dislike about him and feverishly wanting to know why that was. I thought he looked cool, different, fascinating. Never heard his music at the time, though, or I might have thought otherwise.

Fast forward to late 2006 early 2007 when I finally broke out of my usual websites and did some actual searching and browsing online. One of the first searches I did was about goths, though I don't remember how I learned the word, either. Boy, was I in love and murderously happy at the things I discovered. I don't...exactly know what it was that made me so happy...but I guess knowing that there were others like me out there, and a hell of a whole lot of 'em. I was very darkly inclined by then, sort of an evolution of what I was already dabbling into when I was younger. That was also around the time I fell in love with black. Oh, black...dearest, darkest black...~

My world was never the same again.

The first goth musician I came upon was Sean Brennan, the man behind the project London After Midnight. Not too long after, LAM came to Toad's Place, which is within walking distance from my house. I had asked my mom if I could go...Yeah. That didn't happen. Naturally.

After LAM came Siouxsie and the Banshees, Bella Morte, Das Ich, Moi dix Mois, Schwarz Stein...and then Last.fm. My musical taste was never the same again.

The end?

I know this can be cleaned up a bit, but I don't know how to at the moment...

Let's try again

I'm starting this blog over. Hear me out, please.

...As you, yes you who subscribe to this blog and/or visit (!) on occasion (!?), may have noticed, this blog isn't at all what I had meant for it to be. It wasn't as bad earlier in the year, but things have severely landslided since. (Is landslided even a word?) So I've decided, hell with this. I'm going to make this blog exactly what it has become: a more personal blog focused on my literal struggles during these hard times I'm going though. (The things I've bitched about aren't even half of it.) So I changed the name of the URL and the blog itself. The old Babybat Rants have changed to a new blog that is currently...empty. I hope to use it in the (near) future when I am...well.

It's another early morning. Made breakfast for those men I call my brother and father, as well as myself, and...the sun is rising. Lovely. It really is a bummer Ramadan had to start on the very first day of August. I had hoped to do so much since I have this whole month off of school. Now all I want to do is sleep all day and stay home. Ugh.

*Ahem* To begin a more...interesting...discussion, I've been thinking about some things since this month started. Like that new goth/alternative club that I found out about a few days ago or so. Tonight is the night it's opening its doors for the month. Most annoying thing is that even if it wasn't Ramadan, I still wouldn't be able to go. But I think I mentioned and explained that already in my last post...

I told my mom. I told my friend, Eedi. I need...support. Support for not just this mental shit I'm going through now, but also the community sort. I need people I can be me around, the real, true me and would be willing to go with me if I were to go to an alternative event. So what I need to do is *dun dun dun* network.

....I have no frigging idea how to network.

Been hoping blogging would be a start, as well as joining the Connecticut cult on VampireFreaks, but...erm, I think there's more I need to do...

Uh...have I ever mentioned I'm socially (as in dealing with people) inept? I just don't know what to do. Help? Anyone?

Hold that thought

I just remembered something that is worth talking about. I swear this isn't depressing and angsty this time.

I'm a member of a cult in VampireFreaks called VF_Connecticut and to make a long story short, I've discovered that there are indeed alternative/gothic events that happen right in the area I live at!! The hell have I been all these years and months, eh?? The only problem is, this "Goth, Darkwave, EBM, Industrial both old, new and hardline, Noise, and EBM" club called Ulteria that is within walking distance from my house is 21+ only. Not to mention, even if I was 21...it would be kind of stupid to go. Well...


Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with going to a club, even though I am a Muslim. So what the fuck, clubs can be for socializing, you know, not just dancing, getting drunk, high, whatever. It'd only be stupid for me to go now because I have no experience whatsoever of club life, have no one to go with (sans my mom, and even that is a bad idea), have nothing to wear, not to mention how awkward it would be for me personally, and I'd rather go with someone who knows the local scene or is part of the scene and has done this sort of thing before. Unfortunately, I personally know no one of the sort. I know, I know...I have to start networking. Damn my sheltered upbringing and shy nature to the darkest depths of hell.

*Ahem* Before I go all emo on you...

I'm just glad the scene isn't as dead as I thought around here. It was just as I thought, is all: one has to be part of the subcultures and/or know someone who is in order to hear about anything. Sort of. My brother did see a poster of it in some obscure location...or was it a coffee shop...? Why haven't I seen...???

Right. Pretty...good news...I suppose...

I need to work on my self-esteem..

Pulling myself together

Sort of.

I shouldn't even be awake. It's Ramadan, you know, so I'll have to wake up in about four hours to eat breakfast and whatnot...

I'm not going to talk about Ramadan. I'm disappointed with myself with that. What I meant to talk about was...well, I'm not exactly sure. I'm disappointed with myself, also, for letting this blog go down the drain. I abuse my notebooks enough with my angst and drama. Must I bring my baggage into the internet world as well?
But the truth is this:

I have nothing to talk about.

That's just it in a nutshell. It's not that I don't want to talk about things, but my life is simply not interesting. And I know this, at least a little bit, because I've read enough blogs to bleed my eyes over and yes, I do have a very drab and...simply not interesting life. Even if I had a camera, I don't know what I'd take pictures of. It's not like I see things that are worth taking pictures of very often and I don't have enough clothes to take outfit pictures...but perhaps that's just my cynical, pessimistic side talking.
The Babybat Rants aren't so much about a Babybat at the moment, are they...
And alright, I won't talk about my life. At the very moment, I simply don't have the focus to talk about things on my mind, as strange as that sounds. I'd share so much on this blog...secrets I'm willing to part to anyone willing to listen...aspirations...dreams...so many dreams...and the impossible because they are impossible...but the moment I go to a blank entry, I lose all will to type. I draw a blank in my mind. I hate it. I don't understand it. Is it me? What am I doing wrong?

I started taking medication last week. It's suppose to help me focus and feel better about myself. I know medication does not help everything...but I'm desperate. Very, so very desperate. My pessimistic self believes even that will not work. How can I try to change when no one else...

Right. Venting in depressed-mode once again...

So. I'm going to shut up, now, and leave you all be. Maybe the next time I type something it'll be worth...wasting time over...

Pulling myself together

Sort of.

I shouldn't even be awake. It's Ramadan, you know, so I'll have to wake up in about four hours to eat breakfast and whatnot...

I'm not going to talk about Ramadan. I'm disappointed with myself with that. What I meant to talk about was...well, I'm not exactly sure. I'm disappointed with myself, also, for letting this blog go down the drain. I abuse my notebooks enough with my angst and drama. Must I bring my baggage into the internet world as well?
But the truth is this:

I have nothing to talk about.

That's just it in a nutshell. It's not that I don't want to talk about things, but my life is simply not interesting. And I know this, at least a little bit, because I've read enough blogs to bleed my eyes over and yes, I do have a very drab and...simply not interesting life. Even if I had a camera, I don't know what I'd take pictures of. It's not like I see things that are worth taking pictures of very often and I don't have enough clothes to take outfit pictures...but perhaps that's just my cynical, pessimistic side talking.
The Babybat Rants aren't so much about a Babybat at the moment, are they...
And alright, I won't talk about my life. At the very moment, I simply don't have the focus to talk about things on my mind, as strange as that sounds. I'd share so much on this blog...secrets I'm willing to part to anyone willing to listen...aspirations...dreams...so many dreams...and the impossible because they are impossible...but the moment I go to a blank entry, I lose all will to type. I draw a blank in my mind. I hate it. I don't understand it. Is it me? What am I doing wrong?

I started taking medication last week. It's suppose to help me focus and feel better about myself. I know medication does not help everything...but I'm desperate. Very, so very desperate. My pessimistic self believes even that will not work. How can I try to change when no one else...

Right. Venting in depressed-mode once again...

So. I'm going to shut up, now, and leave you all be. Maybe the next time I type something it'll be worth...wasting time over...